My Montana Blu

2010-10-25T01:16:00.000-06:00

Wow..it's been a long time since I wrote anything on here. I keep thinking about it, but never seem to find the energy to do it. Ah well.....

My life is happy. I love my house, and I'm settling into coupledom really well with my girl. I've come out to nearly everyone that I need to do this with...the latest being a co-worker who works in a different building than me, but whom I'm really interested in becoming friends with. Figured it was a needed conversation, and I did it, and it gets easier each time I do it.

Other news....my friend...the first friend is back in my life in a real world way. She moved home after a terrible...breakup/unbreak up with her GF...it's been so nice having her home, and being in the place we can really be friends again. She and Ilene....my GF...get along really well, and totally seem to dig each other, and it's easy and wonderful to have her back..and I've realized she's always been meant to be in my life.

I don't...it really is like I've walked through the smoke, through the fire, and come out on the other side. My life is in a semi peaceful place now, and I've realized that everything is so much easier now that I'm not so horribly stressed about things. Work is easier, socializing is easier, etc...

Small Son and Little Miss are doing really well, though I did put Small Son in therapy, more because of how hubcap is acting toward me, than any real problems he has on his own, he just has a really rough time dealing with his daddy when his daddy isn't dealing...so there you go....

I'm not going to say I'm going to start writing like I used to, but I am going to try to make more of an effort. It's just harder to find things to write about when I'm not miserable. It's something I need to work at though, writing can't and shouldn't be just for misery in my life. I love writing, I love my life now. I'm totally broke, and happy as a clam...

Soooo.....off to bed with me...but happy trails to everyone...and keep on pushing, there is life on the other side of the proverbial fence.....

Mon

Moved Finally

2010-08-29T13:21:00.000-06:00

I'm sure you've been wondering where I've been hiding. I've been moving, painting, and entertaining my mom, who decided it was a good time to visit literally one week after the big move.

So here is an update. I love love my new house. It's perfect. The kids are doing so well here. They go to sleep so well here, eat better, and behave better. I have to think this is because they are outside playing instead of watching TV.

I don't have TV anymore, don't want to pay for Satellite, so I'm working on getting us hooked up to the Internet via computer. We'll see how this goes.

My new kitty , Mr. Zipp has taken up residence in our house now. He is so sweet, but is having light urinary issues, so we will see. I'm hoping it's just an adjustment period for him. It's not excessive, and I haven't found any "evidence" since my mom and sister left. Cross your fingers because I've fallen in love with him.

It's raining today, and I just made myself a taco salad for lunch. I'm not going to spend too much time writing today, I need to clean. Little Miss is starting Kindergarten tomorrow, and I need to get the kids ready before they get home from their dads. I will try to make some time to do a real update soon.

Mon

Insurmountable Joy and Sadness

2010-07-22T21:00:00.000-06:00

I had a conversation tonight with a dear friend, that made me sad, and it made me reflect on my own life. I value life, now more than ever.

Today I spoke with a new therapist, for Small Son. I've decided he needs therapy, as he is having a very hard time dealing with this divorce, and all it means in his life. He is finding it hard to tell me, because I believe he feels he is being disloyal to his daddy. It's time. I figured it would come eventually, and it's here.

This therapist was recommended to me by a friend at work.

He wants to involve Fucktard in therapy, which I'm all for. I think he needs to be involved, possibly more than I do. So now I have to tell Fucktard that I've initiated this process. I will, but I know it's going to cause an issue...so be it I suppose. I'm also thinking Fucktard will relate to this therapist, and maybe in some sort of back door way, it might help him. Anyway, I've got my fingers crossed.

I get my house next week...finally. It's been a long time coming. I'm taking Small Son with me to the walk through, so he can finally see it. He wants to go so bad, and I think it will be good for him to go with me. I'm more excited than I can say.

Financially, I'm approaching crunch time. Still so much to buy for the house and funds are dwindling but, I feel in my gut, that it will be all right. That this is what I've been working for my whole life. My own house. I've picked out paint. I've picked out my tractor mower. I've bought the much needed flatbed trailer, and I've given my heart away...to the most wonderful strong women I've ever met.

I feel so connected to her. I can talk to her about anything, everything, for hours. I've never felt this way in my life. I know I can depend on her, really depend on her to work with me, to hold my hand and support me in my weakness. I feel like things are so possible with her, and I don't feel alone. I think she is beautiful.

Where am I going with this? I'm pondering my life, the women in my life. I've said it before, I get and have gotten all of my emotional meals from women for most of my life. My dad and my son are really the only exception to this. It is women I go to when I hurt, be it my best friend or my mom, or my little girl when I need to snuggle her. It is women I call when I'm filled with joy. I guess it's just my turn, in this life, to trust in my female bonds, of which I have many. I am truly blessed. I didn't realize I had so many really good friends, until I accepted who and what I am.

So the things I'm doing for myself this week. I bought a guitar for me, and for Small Son, and intend on learning together. Something is calling me to learn to play the guitar, and I'm listening.

I'm following my gut....listening to my inner voice, and trying so hard to take care of myself so that I can take care of my loved ones.

I bought myself a kick ass cowboy hat and wore it to T-Ball practice tonight...I looked like the dyke I am..and was loving it. I especially loved the look I got from Fucktard, as I walked by him and didn't look at him.

I've drowned myself in the Indigo Girls this week, and that is ALWAYS good for me.

I've committed to adopting a new kitty when we move. His name is Zip..soon to be called Zippy and he lives at a cat sanctuary now. He's white and tabby, 5 years old, declawed, and soon to be very spoiled.

I told my last friend in the world I need to tell, or sort of told her, that I'm queer. I'm still alive and getting stronger by the day.

I've decided that it's not stupid to get the tattoo I really want on my leg, a copy of the hand Amy Ray has on her forearm. I decided she is what pulled me through this journey, and that honoring that was something that was spiritual, and would always make me feel good...so after the move, I get my 2nd tattoo...and I intend on decorating my body with tattoo's for the rest of my life!!!

Peace,

Mon

King of Anything...???

2010-07-19T22:06:00.000-06:00

My very very good friend Andy texed me today, and said, "this is my Mon song"...I hadn't heard it so I listened to it, and I agree...loved it. Googled the lyrics...and I am tempted to send this to Fucktard...

Enjoy the music, enjoy the view...and Thanks A...You know I love you more than my luggage!

Similarities..

2010-07-16T01:22:00.001-06:00

It's been awhile since I've written. Guess I just haven't been in the mood.

It's been rough going with hubcap, and I'm changing his name, officially from here on out. He will now be known as 'fucktard'. I'm trying my hardest to "not" react to him. To ignore his horrid behavior, but it's hard, really hard. Here is a sample of the email I get. I got this one two nights ago, and it's cut and pasted in it's entirety.

(Can you say DRUNK any louder?)

"I hope you know, that there is apsoluly no way I wil let your lesbian bich lover pick up my children. I will meet you no further than the legal tender parking lot in clancy. I am more than willing to fight till the end on this one. Bring it on you loser lesbian pussy sucker.Thanks for doing this to me and the kids.

Hubcap

P.S. Go to fucking hell"

So, this is what I've been dealing with lately. I thought for a long time, I'd get away without going through the pain of coming out. The grief of losing someone you did really love, and watching them change.

Granted I have changed more than I can say. Since I accepted who I was, really accepted her, I've felt myself get strong in ways I never thought possible. I feel scared, but this fear, pushes me forward instead of paralyzing me.

I'm putting Small Son into counseling. I have an appointment with the guy I've chosen next week to do the initial stuff with me. He says between Small son and I, we can get 8 visits on EAP, which is great, that's two months.

Found out from Small Son today, that "daddy says mean things about me and Ilene".."mommy he hates you", etc...I told him I know it must be hard to talk about his daddy like that, and asked him if he'd like me to get him some counseling, and he actually wanted too. I visited with him in the car for awhile this morning, and tried to explain the best I could what is happening. That daddy is sick right now, and that none of this is his fault. I explained that he needs to trust his gut, and realize what daddy is saying about me is a lie. He has a good sense of self, and he is highly intuitive, and I'm hoping that part of him will pull him through this with support from me, a good counselor and Ilene and Sissy. Just try to make as normal of a family as I can for both of them. It's killing me to see my babies go through this, because their dad is a fucktard.

I've grown as close as I hope to come to actually hating him. The only thing I can say, is that he is not seeing how bad he is getting to me. I'm able to hold it together and not react most of the time. I may vent to my friends for days, but he's not privileged to this info.

He's not going to be happy with some of my upcoming actions, but I have to protect my kids, and I'm done, so done, worrying about his sorry ass. I'm done with him, and his sorry poor me behavior.

He calls me the "three hundred pounds pussy sucking lesbian"...well first of all, I'm not even close to 300 lbs, not that it matters. Second, he's never once stopped to think, my impinging arthritis and god knows what else, has been hampering my movement. Not to mention the constant stress, the constant fear of him flipping out. He doesn't care, and never did. He didn't help me when I was married to him, what makes me think he will help me now?

All he wants to do, when we are actually talking is "bum a few vicodin" from me. Then he gets mad when I won't give them to him. I need them for me. It's a balancing act between my wonderful Doctor and me, and my pain. Without the pain pills, at times I just can't function. With them, I can. I can move and do stuff around the house, go out with the kids to music festivals, and to national parks. Without them, I'd be in bed crying in my milk.

So back to my topic, "Similarities"...it's become clear to me lately, that you really don't know how people are going to react to you, until you tell. I've told many people now, and all the important players in my life know, and are uber supportive. The ones that surprised me the most, are my friend Kelly, who I really expected to have a hard time with it, considering her religious bent. Not so, she has taken my hand, and held it with compassion and love that only a true friend can do. My friend Lynell is the same...I was so so worried, and all for naught. She still loves me, and the kids, she may not understand, but she's doing her best to understand and support in a real life way. There have been a few, one in particular that I am super disappointed in. This person is in my mommy group, and honestly, I thought we were better friends. I never in a million years, thought she would diss me this way. But if you want to know who your friends are, the real ones, tell them you are queer, and watch what happens. Most of them, have come to the table, pulled up a chair, and said, it's alright, we love you, there is NO issue. The few that haven't....well I have to let them go. Another friend of mine, Karen, has dropped me like a hot potato. I thought for sure, that though she wouldn't understand, she would still support me and love me. Instead, it's gossip behind my back, and no word from her for months. This is someone I was very very good friends with, in real life. Worked with her for several years, etc...

So I guess the similarities I've been pondering lately, are, what is REALLY so different about me? I still work, I'm still a single mom, I still shop at Walmart, and I still take care of my kids. On top of that, I deal with the most unpleasant and mean of ex husbands on a daily basis. I ignore him most of the time, which makes him madder still, but I refuse to sink to his level.

The best way I can prove to people I'm not a freak, is to just live my life. Who I love is my business. It's ceased to be a choice for me any longer. I've come to realize the choice for me, was loving men. That was the "choice"...but it was never a good one. It never felt good. It never felt free. It never felt like I was getting my needs met, and it never felt like I really had a partner, of which I totally feel now. I've never in my life felt so loved and cared for. So "in this together"...like I do.

I managed to "come out" to the last two people I wanted too in the last few weeks. My friend Melissa. That was a relief of major proportions. We do things with our kids all the time. The other person, is the mother of Small Son's best friend. I took her to lunch, and spilled my guts...she was wonderful, fabulous...as is her husband. I told her about the drinking and drugs and neglect, and asked if they would mind taking Small Son sometimes when they go on "boy trips", i.e. hiking, fishing, etc.....Scott is the kind of Daddy I wish Brian had. They both seemed super agreeable to it, and super supportive. I finally got my head around the fact I needed to ask for help, that it wasn't going to fall on my doorstep.

I've sucked up at work, and just decided to do it his way. I'm tried of fighting with my boss, and it's causing me nothing but stress. Since I gave in, started doing things "his" way, life has been much better at work as well.

I'm going to get a new tattoo on my calf, it's going to be similar to the hand Amy Ray has on her arm. I finally decided it wasn't silly, that it was profound. She and her music, and the Indigo Girls have pulled me through this for the last almost 5 years. It's been her I go to for constant comfort...so after I move into my new house in 3 weeks, I'm going to get myself a house warming present on my fat, ugly calf!

Peace,

Mon

2010-06-20T12:02:00.000-06:00

This was my first "Pride"...it was so fun. We probably didn't do as much as we would have had we been twenty years younger, but I have to say, out on the dance floor last night, we were making the kids jealous...!

I saw my very first ever Drag Queen show...it was a hoot. Not the drag queens you might find in the city for sure, but fun none the less. I over indulged in Tequila last night which made things even more fun.

"The Empress"

Heather and her "Date"....

"Chase the Chicken"

"Melissa"

Pride---Montana Style!

2010-06-19T19:26:00.000-06:00

This is the Spokane "Giant Ass Drum Core"...they played quite a lot at the Pride celebration today, and kicked ass...I'll post more later...

Why Homosexuality Should Be Banned

2010-06-15T00:53:00.000-06:00

Ummmm...Wow....nothing more too say.

One Of Us

2010-06-15T00:51:00.000-06:00

I'm going into Gemini mode tonight, as Sta, would say. I can feel my head spinning. Feel the need to listen to music that is old and comfortable for me.

I've been thinking on some things tonight, trying to format them into something that makes sense to me. Elusive thoughts that flit in and out of my head, there for a moment, then gone again.

The thing is, I wonder, was I drawn to artists like Melissa Etheridge, Stevie Nicks, etc...because that's where my soul was really comfortable. Looking back on my choices, I have always put myself right in the center of the queer community. I may not have been "part" of it, but I was always around it. I was just instinctively more comfortable there. I still am. Organized religion of nearly every form, save some forms of paganism frighten me with the single mindedness of it.

The narrow views, the doing "what you are told"...I've though so many times, life would have been easier if I could have subscribed to that type of thinking. To that type of life, but I never could, and never really tried. It's never been something I believed in.

Sure, I believe in being spiritual, but so many things don't make sense to me, and then I think, well if there is a "god or goddess" would they really organize a church based on hate and injustice? No...they wouldn't. And since those very things have always been central to my basic belief system, I guess I just naturally gravitated toward the queer community for friendship.

Now that I'm here, across the proverbial fence, I need this support even more, but it's harder to come by here in MT.

Ilene and I are going to Montana's Pride Celebration this weekend. I'm so looking forward to it. I've never done "pride" even with all the years I spent living in San Francisco. That was when I bolted out of town because so many people descended on us. This will be number one. I think it will be so good to just be some where even for a few days where I really feel comfortable.

I can't seem to make myself sleep lately, and I'm very tired to show for it. I need to find some energy to clean my house, and make myself start packing. Even even been considering hiring a house cleaner for the next month...

Because it's a great song, and it still has a super strong message...

Happy 6th Month Anniversary Baby....I Love You

2010-06-14T18:13:00.000-06:00

Saturday...was our "official" 6th month anniversary...who counts such things? Evidently I do now. The only thing is both Ilene (yes that is my girls name) and forgot on Saturday. We remembered before and after, but on Saturday, gone..nada...

Still, it's been a wonderful six months. This song embodies everything I feel for you. I want to lay and stroke and kiss you for hours...I love you so much!

We are going to hole up in a rented condo this weekend in Kalispell for Montana's Pride Celebration. I'm excited, taking a four day weekend, and considering this my birthday present for myself! How much better does it get than every queer person in MT celebrating my birthday??? Seriously though, I'm super excited.

5 FIVE 5

2010-06-10T20:36:00.000-06:00

Little Miss turned 5..yes FIVE...on Tuesday. Now, every day I wake up, and she say's, "Mommy, THIS IS MY 1ST DAY BEING FIVE....MOMMY..THIS IS MY 2ND DAY OF BEING 5, MOMMY, THIS IS MY 3RD DAY OF BEING 5...FIVE....

Can you say she's obsessed with being FIVE???

Some of her conversations this week have included..."Mommy...my friend Lina is not FIVE yet", "Mommy...it's only three day's until my FAKE birthday party for being FIVE"...

"No, I'm serious Mommy...I'm Five"....

I told her this week, that when you turn FIVE, your mommy get's to pick a new name for you, and that her's would now be "Savannah Lou"....I again heard, "Seriously Mommy, that is NOT true"....

I've had more giggles from my kid this week...and I've never ever seen any kid as obsessed about being FIVE....

Spinning....

2010-06-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

Is there a song that makes you melt inside? Every time you hear it, you just melt, fall back into a big down comforter of softness, and melt into the song? For me, it's the song "I Love You" by Sarah McLaughlin. I adore that song. Mirrorball reminds me of driving down Hwy 1, from San Francisco to Santa Cruz, soaking in the warm sunshine, smoking Marboro's....listening to Mirrorball over and over. Good times, and sad times for me.

I sit here sometimes and just wonder where on earth the time has gone. How am I almost 46? I don't mind 46, in fact I rather like it, but the journey to here sped by with such fury...I blinked, and 10 years were just gone. It makes me wonder how many chances I wasted. How many things should I have done, and didn't because I was afraid. Afraid of fear. Quite the revelation now. I really am enjoying my 40's..even with the pain. I've become authentic inside of myself, for myself.

I'm finally settling into me. Doing what I want for me, for the kids. Running on instinct, and knowing instinctively, that it will be the right choice, because it's a gut reaction. My gut never led my dad, nor myself down the wrong road. Where my mistakes have come, were from NOT listening to my gut. So from here on out, I'm working on listening to my inner voice. My truthful honest choices will be the best ones.

So where does this lead me? It leads me to ponder making garden pavers myself. It leaves me wondering just how hard it would be to build a kiln in my yard. Things that didn't seem possible before, are all the sudden working for me.

I went on a shopping spree yesterday, online. I realized my "good" tshirts were going on 3 years old. My jeans were becoming tattered with holes, worn spots...my shoes, though comfortable were starting to look comfortable.

So I bought out Lands End, Lane Bryant, Victoria's Secret and Zappos.com. I am wearing a new, wonderful pair of Doc Martins, and feeling like I can't wait to get some new clothes. I'm going to cut my hair, and I believe I'm going to get a 2nd tattoo. I'm wondering if tattooing in your 40's is addicting? I keep thinking about the feeling of getting my first one. The pain. The places my mind went...and then the way my GF worships my tattoo...and think I really do want more. Why not decorate my body during the 2nd half of my life???

I'm even content with my Dell Laptop, not feeling the need any longer to run out and buy a new Mac. I thought I'd do that as soon as I sold my house, but instead I keep tapping away on my Dell. I've never made that computer permanent. I've never put my photo's, nor my iTunes on it...I'm considering it...just to prove to myself I can change...I can make due and learn something new. As I become happier in my life, "things" are not as important to me.

Life and Love

2010-05-28T15:47:00.000-06:00

Have I told you lately...I'm in love....so in love.

Last night, I worked up the courage from somewhere to come out to my mommy group..the whole group. This group started online nearly 8 years ago now, as a due date group. We've somehow hung in there, and become real life friends, online. We've gone on trips, been though many happy times, and terrible tragedy's. This group of women, have become my family in so many ways.

I've been holding back from them, for a long time. Last night, I told. I posted a long post about my journey, and about my life now. I think it went fairly well. More importantly, I feel an enormous weight off my shoulders now. There are not too many people left to tell.

Back to being in love. It takes my breath away. OMG....how??? How have I fallen this hard? I can begin to share my real life joy in real life. It's making me so happy.

I'm going to Kalispell with my sweetie this weekend, and with my kids. We are going to Glacier National Park, so pray for nice weather for us, then I'll post some pictures when I get back,or maybe even from there.

Gotta Jam....places to go, and wonderful people to see!

Mon

On Coming Out...Really Comming Out...

2010-05-13T22:28:00.000-06:00

Where have I been?

OMG...it's been a wild ride for me the last few weeks...

I came out to one of my very good friends last night. One I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. She can be uber religious, and judgmental. Last night she wasn't. Last night I told her about my life, that I was tired filtering it for her. Tired of NOT sharing my real life with her.

If you all remember back to the woman that stayed with me last fall, right after I got out of the hospital, the one who moved away and came back, this is the friend I'm talking about. She looked at me when I told her, and said "it's going to take me awhile to get used to it, and why didn't you tell me?" I told her simply I was telling her now, that she was super important to me. That our friendship meant a lot to me, and I needed her in my life. She told me she just wanted me to be happy, then asked me all the typical questions about "how" this happens. I told her simply that I fell in love. That I'd been in this place for a long time, not acting on it, then someone came into my life and I fell in love. I didn't tell her the whole story, that is my own private Idaho for sure, and she knows and is friends with the first woman I fell in love with, and I think for everyone's sake, it's better if that particular detail does stay in the closet. I know, and she knows. My woman knows, and we are actually meeting up with "her" next weekend so they can meet. No one else needs to know this.

I did realize last night, why I am friends with this woman though. In the end, she hugged me, told me she loved me, and could she still "come over and hang out with me and the kids?" Dumb question. I told her that was exactly why she needed to know, because I wanted her in my life. My kids need her and so do I. She told me she loved that I "shared" my kids with her, that she adored them. I told her that I adored how she adored them.

With is woman, I've forged a bond that is strong enough to make it though this for sure. It gave me faith that I am moving in the right, forward direction. Two more people to tell, then the rest, they can just guess. I don't owe anyone any explanations about my life. I want to be truthful.

I read Melissa Etheridges book this week, and the thing that was so profound for me, was a statement she made. After she had been to hell and back, she said, "I am standing in my own truth"...of course I'm paraphrasing this, but you get the gist. I'm finally living a truthful life. I'm being honest in a way I've never been before. I'm not willing to compromise myself. I'm strong, and I will keep walking, arthritic knees and all.

I find myself floating in moments of extreme happiness. Just little glimpses of it, but they are there, coming to the surface. Finding me. Looking for me. Little bits of perfect spirits floating around me. It's wonderous. I find great joy in my kids, every day. I am having the best sex of my life for sure. That alone is freaking amazing. God..who knew?? I spend hours just kissing.

My friend last night, told me she had been dating this guy, and that she never knew sex could last an hour. All I could think of is....only an hour??? Seriously...now days, SEX...sex...SeX...sEx....for me...lasts hours...hours and hours....an unbelievable amount of time that amazes me each time. I shouldn't call it sex...I should say making love, because that's what it is. I've never felt more connected in my life.

It's hard to believe just where I was even one short year ago. I was so miserable, so unsure and unhappy. Now I'm finding my way.

Hubcap still has a pretty major ability to take me down 40 rungs on the proverbial ladder, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to not react to him, not engage. It's hard, and I can't always manage it...but I'm working on it.

I'm going to try to start writing more. I'm feeling more sure of myself. Each time I tell my GF that I'm tired, or I don't want to talk, I get a feeling of fear deep down inside, like I'm disappointing her. But she keeps reassuring me "it's okay honey"....god...I need this...her ...in my life so much. I just fucking love her so much.

So there you go, I will try to get on here, and write a little more often.

Mon

I'ts All About You

2010-05-01T12:34:00.001-06:00

Having so much trouble writing lately. I think of all these wonderful things, then I'm too tired to write.

This has been something that has been floating around my head for awhile.

One of Hubcaps favorite things to say to me is: "It's all about you"....It's amazing the different meaning this simple phrase takes on when someone else says it to me.

He said: "It's all about you....this divorce....you are selfish....."

She said: As she's stroking my hair, "It's all about you baby....let me love you.......It's all about you...."

He says when I ask him to pick up his kids: "Why should I do that? It's always ALL ABOUT YOU?", even though I remind him, it's really ALL about the kids...

But she says: "Baby...you are tired, go take a nap, I'll watch the kids..."It's all about you"...as she looks at me lovingly.

I've never had anyone treat me like this before. Like I can actually take a break, and become a human who is tired, who needs a nap, and doesn't need to explain "why"....

I'm tired, and I'm falling more in love every day.

More to write, but not much time to write it out.

My house closes escrow on July 30th.....

Hubcap has "figured" out about me and my girl....he was predictably nasty.

I talked to "HER"...the old "her", if you all remember this week.

She reminded me that I had given him a hundred chances...lists..expectations...etc...

She reminded me how I used to call her in a panic at night so we could talk because he was doing this to me way back then.

I needed to hear this from someone that was there with me. I needed to be reminded that I'm not making this all up in my head, like I sometimes feel I am after he gets done with me.

I'm caught up in a million nuances and what ifs...

I am finally really divorced....the papers were filed by my attorney at the courthouse on Friday.

He told me that I "had" change my name back to my maiden name, that he didn't want me to have "his" name.

I told him, NO, my name will remain the same, because I need my name to remain the same as my kids...he didn't get it. It's not that I want his name, but I must keep myself united with my children.

The light is finally peeking through the dark mists at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

Mon

The ARAY in Me....!

2010-04-15T21:13:00.008-06:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote. Not sure where I should even start at this point.

First, you probably want to know why I named this post, "The ARAY in Me..!"? (Amy Ray, of the Indigo Girls, in case you didn't know)

Well here is the thing. Ever since I began this journey, she has been who and what I went to for the strength to keep walking. The balm that's eased my soul, and the light that has taken my breath away to make sure I don't waver in my queerness. I hope that makes sense. Simply stated, she has given me the strength to come out, to listen to my inner voice, and the courage to fall in love, and I should say, fall in love like I never have before, she is simply amazing to me.

I was reading my old blog this week, "Bearsmountain" which I closed down last year.

(Go take a look, you know you want too, it's a good read if I do say so myself, I think I have it open again, but if you have any trouble, let me know).

It took my breath away to see what I was going through back then. I'm going to open it back up for a bit, if any of you new readers want to see where I've been, how I've gotten here, and how long it took me. I was feeling way to vulnerable to open back up for a long time, but it's good for my mental health at this point to see just how far I've come in one short year.

Bearsmountain is where I made the most intense blog friends. It is a place I bared my soul, over and over again for over two years. The friends I made though that blog, are still with me. I still feel their guidance and love helping me along my journey.

I guess you might say this week has been full of excitement and lots of reflection.

The biggest news of all...I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!! Yes, that's right, let me say it again, I BOUGHT A HOUSE OF MY OWN....It's perfect. It's out in the country, away from the town I live in now. It is a manufactured home, that was built in 1997. It has a view to kill for. It has 1 1/2 acres of grass for my kids to play on. It has both a jacuzzi tub inside, and a hot tub on the elevated screened in deck. It has a very over sized garage, with enough space for my girlfriend to set up her photography studio that she is closing down soon. I never in a million years thought I could find a place like this I could afford, let alone, qualify and buy it myself. OMG...this is so so huge. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel sure of what I'm doing.

The second thing is that by the end of April, my divorce will be final..really final. This too is so huge I can't get my head around it. I finally felt ready to let go of the power I had created by keeping Hubcap semi-dependent on me. It's hard to say that, but it was like the card I could pull out, and wave at him when I wanted him to do what I wanted. Sick, twisted, but the truth.

I changed the locks on my house, and he hasn't come near it since. When I told him he couldn't speak to the children if he called drunk, he quit calling drunk. It was like when I exacted my REAL power, he took heed and listened...

The drama is nearly over I think. I'm nearly out of this mess, and ready to really begin to live my life on my own terms. Things I thought I'd have to give up when I left hubcap suddenly seem attainable on my own. I never thought I'd have a yard like this again, now I'm going to have one that was better than the last one. One I picked out and paid for. I'm going to be able to look out my new sunny family room and watch the deer in my yard again. I'm going to be able to toss the kidlets on the back of my 4-wheeler again and take them riding whenever I want, right out my back door.

I'm going to buy a tractor lawnmower that I get to drive, and I'm going to buy an additional 4-wheeler so my girlfriend and I can take the kids out together, and so we can go out together. I'm so looking forward to this, since my knees have taken a dump on me, riding is the one thing I won't have to give up. I can get out in nature and not have to torture myself with the pain of hiking. I'm going to teach her to ride, though I suspect she will be a natural at it, since she used to ride a motorcycle. She will be able to make good use of it to get out and take photography trips on her own if she wishes.

I was so scared to leave hubcap because then, it meant giving up the things I loved most. My yard, my 4-wheeling trips and camping. My girlfriend is going to teach me how to tow my trailer so we can camp....

The life of fear I've been leading for the last few years seems to be leaving at a rapid pace now. I can't tell you just how huge buying this house feels to me in such a good way. It shows I can provide a home for my children. It shows I can find the place of my dreams, and honestly, the moment I looked at the listing on the Internet, my heart dropped. I ''knew" it was the right place. When I got there, I new with even a stronger certainty that it was the right place. My old house never felt like "my" house, it was always his. With his artwork that I couldn't stand to his mom's jello molds on the walls, to the ugly funeral looking urn thing that was on my kitchen counter that he got from his first marriage. It all felt icky and wrong. The place in that house, where I felt comfortable was the yard. That was mine. But this new yard, will be even more mine. It already has the beginnings of a garden. We are going to build a fire pit.

I am setting the kind of example now for my children I can be proud of. Not fear based, but strength based. I want my kids to be strong. Showing them I'm strong and that I love them is the best gift I can give them.

I'm not even really scared of bringing my girlfriend into their lives. I think it's going to be a great match. For all of us, right down to her little shelty named Jack.

STRONG SONG

Toxic Waste and Me

2010-03-21T09:58:00.002-06:00

I've spent the weekend literally sick to my stomach over Hubcap.

So here is the backstory.

We had our part of the escrow signing on the house on Thursday.

I can't tell you how much I was dreading this.

Anyway, when I got there, Hubcap was not there, and I asked if I could sign the papers alone. They happily obliged me, and I sat in that tiny room by myself and signed my house away with the realtor I don't like and the woman that worked for the title company.

Hubcap got there shortly after I did and waited in the waiting room, and when I left I didn't see him. This was my preference, as it really felt like I was signing away my previous life in lots of ways.

So later on that night, when I got home, he was leaving before I even got in my house. Same thing on Friday night. So when he called the kids on Friday night, I asked him,

"Okay, what are you mad at this time?"

It took a bit of me pushing, but finally he yelled at me..

"We should have signed those papers together!"

"You made me wait until you were done!"

"You made them do it twice!"

"It's always about "YOU", he said.

It' goes on, but you get the gist.

I told him I was sorry if it hurt his feelings, but I needed to do it alone. Then I asked about Small Son's Birthday this year. It falls on Friday, which is his weekend. He yelled at me...

"If you had read the PARENTING PLAN...you would KNOW you get him on EVEN years..."

He went on to call me self riotous and self centered.

Then I said, "Well do you want to keep him for his birthday or not?"

"Of course I want him", he said.

"Well then you keep him weekend", I said

"I guess YOU don't want him on his birthday then", he said.

"That is not what I said, I said if you want to keep him on his birthday it's fine with me, but I want to bring him a gift" I said.

"No, if I keep him on his birthday, you CAN'T see him"...

I then said, "well forget it then"...I'll keep him.

We dropped it at that and I haven't brought it back up at all, but then I haven't talked to him since.

The thing that made me sickest though, was he yelled at me me...

"I hope you choke on all the money YOU are going to get from MY inheritance"....I hung up on him at that point. I sounded like toxic waste coming out of his mouth.

I literally felt as if I were going to vomit when I hung up.

I had a friend over, who I thought was just stopping by to get the router I was giving to her, so I asked her to watch the kids and went upstairs and called GF.

It really comes down to this, I've let myself fall into a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse from him. I feel guilty if I don't do what he wants, but I don't want to do it so I feel guilty. I try not too "set" him off.

I've spent the entire weekend sick over this....thinking how he comes into my home and brings this shit in with him every day. I let him do this to me....

Soooo....I'm going to have the locks changed tomorrow. I'm going to start picking up my own kids, and yes, we can start sticking to the parenting plan. I honestly was feeling unsafe last night. I couldn't sleep because he seems so unstable to me, so not the man I married, that I really felt unable to go to sleep. I laid there wishing GF were with me so I wouldn't be alone. Wishing GF's little dog Jack were here to bark. I've never felt that way before.

I felt his hate of me this weekend in a huge way. I never thought he'd turn it on me...but he did.

I also spent part of last night upset at Small Son for a bit because I bought an Xbox, and he told his dad. I think that comment he made on Friday about me "choking" on the money made me feel guilty again, even though I've been planning on this purchase for awhile. I wanted one so I could play upstairs in my room, and I all the sudden feel the need to justify what I do and why.

Why does it matter what I do with my fundage as long as I take care of my kids?

It certainly has been a reality check for me this weekend, because I realized how easy it is to fall into these types of patterns even if you never have before. But then again, maybe I've been walking this subtle line for a long time and didn't know it.

If you have any good wishes to send out to the universe for me this week, please do, I suspect this is going to be an emotional brutal week for me.

Mon

It's Official...I'm "OUT"!

2010-03-15T18:17:00.002-06:00

Well folks, it's official. I told my mom today!

I told her I was seeing someone, and it wasn't a "man" and that she was wonderful.

You know what my mom said? "Honey, that's WONDERFUL"

....seriously, that's what she said to me. "Wonderful".

God...so this means I'm officially "out" to anyone in my life who matters....so I think that means I'm "out"...or does it???

Who the fuck cares..what a fucking relief!!

Now I can call my mom more often because I won't feel like I'm hiding this huge thing from her. Now I can include my GF in conversations about my life....

I'm so happy, and of course the very first thing I did was call my GF to tell her.

I had such an amazing weekend with her this weekend, it takes my breath away.

It's all good...

Mon

Red Hot Cookin'........Gotta Love The Marlboro Man!

2010-03-10T01:16:00.006-07:00

Okay, I admit it, I love to cook..it's like a sickness.

The only problem is, that Hubcap would not eat a vegetable...an onion....a tomato....so I got out of the habit of it. The bad habit continues because of the kidlets and their dislike of food.

Unfortunately for me, I've spent the evening watching the Travel Channel and the "wing challenge show"...my mouth is watering for hot wings....good god I'd snarf a dozen if I had them right now. Then it was the show with the Chicago Italian Beef sandwich (pronounced Sangwitch) Of course I HAD to Google that....

Then I went digging for some of my favorite recipes on my mommy board. I dug up one of my fav's...Pork taco's with Cilantro Cream Sauce, invented by a good friend of mine. That may just be on the menu this weekend. I'm in the mood for an all out cook fest. Good thing my GF likes to cook and especially seems to like to eat my concoctions....

I'm digressing in a big bad way, but I ended up on the Pioneer Woman Cooks site. Have any of you ever been there??? It's one of my favorite although much neglected sites. I've tried a boatload of recipes from this site and they are all good. Good doesn't begin to describe it really.

On my to-do list for the next few weeks..."The Marlboro Man's Favorite Sandwich". I've made this several times, it's to die for. I make extra and freeze them, then stick them in the oven at a later date for more Marlboro yumminess...Hubcap didn't like them...I of course adored them.

Another Marlboro Man Yumminess Casserole is "Chicken Spaghetti"...this is a favorite of me, the kidlets and even Hubcap. I need to make this soon, my mouth is watering.

I need to try the Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno "thingies" that she raves about, I've been wanting these for year....but have never done it. Soon. I happen to have a boat load of cream cheese I need to use up, these need to be made...maybe I need to have a partay!!!

And the last thing on my list for the moment, other than her hot wings, which happen to be very close to my own recipe is the "Shrimp Pasta in Foil Package" This one looks too easy, and too yummy to pass up.

I think it's spring coming on, maybe the house closing that is making me feel like cooking and cleaning my house. Time to sit on the porch with a cold beer. Although, this is not tonight, as it's farking snowing outside, but you get the drift. I get like this every spring.

My best friend Sta used to call it my "Red Dress" mood...it's just a time for good food, good friends, and good times. I need to make some new friends this summer, since all of the friends I've made since I've been here, for the most part, were "his" friends.....

Anyway...have any of you ever explored The Pioneer Woman's site? If you do, be prepared to spend some time, and nearly forget to come up for breath!!

Oh, and just for good measure, I bought a magazine stand "casserole" cookbook today...arrgh...oh and I have a brand new kick ass crock pot that needs to be broken in soon!

Mon

A Weathered Heart

2010-03-08T19:20:00.003-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the loves in my life today. I've had many. I came of age in the eighties, and like most of us back then, there wasn't really much to worry about other than getting pregnant by sleeping around. I was a virgin until I was 19, and then I decided one night I was tired of it, and went to the fair on a hot summer night, and met up with a guy I liked, and Bam!!

It was done.

I was now among the many that slept with people as easily as shaking hands. At this point, I must have been on a quest or a mission to have my way with as many men/boys as I could.

Only once during this time did I "fall in love", if you can even call it this now.

This was with a guy I met through a friend. He was super tall, beautiful with dark hair and eyes, his name was Eric, and we had a few months of fun times, then he went off and enlisted in the Army....after that I pined for him, or for what I thought should be "us".

Looking back now, it was more fun to "miss him" than it was to actually "be" with him. Maybe I had bad luck, or maybe I just wasn't into it, but I went though more men than I can even count now. I finally ended up getting married to a short little balding man who was younger than I was when I was 24.

This, of course, ended in disaster. He was a schmuck...a thief...a liar, but one thing we did well was talk. We'd talk and talk, and then talk some more. It took me years to see the "he" that he really was....

I then went on to chapter two of my love life...more guys...Never did I have a problem "getting" them, but I did have a problem keeping them, as most of them were what I thought I should want, but really didn't.

Somewhere during this time, I met up with a woman named "Kara" who was bisexual.

I went to her house several times, and we hung out, but she was married, and even back then, it wierded me out, even though I knew she and her husband wanted to sleep with me, I only wanted to sleep with her, so we never did anything, not even kiss.

Looking back now, I really wish I had. Maybe it would have opened my eyes back then...

Oh well, I still sit here, nearly 46 years old, and worry about "coming out" to my mom. I guess it's never going to be an easy thing to do, but I so badly want to do it. I'm feeling stifled because I'm not sharing my life with her really. She gets half my life.

I don't get to tell her about this wonderful woman I've fallen so in love with....this woman who rubs my knees when they hurt, and kisses me until I can't kiss anymore. This woman who makes me feel more loved and cared for than anyone ever has in my entire life...

I feel like I'm being dishonest to my girlfriend by not telling my mom, like I'm denying something beautiful by sheer omission.

I'm almost ready to do this, some how I'll find a way to do this. It's weighing heavy on my soul, because I so want to tell her so I can share this person with her.

I know hands down my mom will love her. I'm pretty sure my mom will be happy for me, so why is it so so hard to work up the guts to tell her?

Maybe this stress is no different if you are 20 years old, or 46 years old...it still holds the possibility of rejection from some of the people you love the most...

I've all along since this journey has begun, I've assumed it would be "easier" for me because I'm older...but now I have to question that very thought. It's been easier so far because the people I've told have embraced me and loved me with open arms. Anyone whom I'm not sure of the reaction I'll get, I haven't told....so I'm not putting myself at risk. Part of this is just because I don't really feel like sharing this portion of my life with the people I work with now, and part of it is just plain old fear. Fear for how people will treat my kids, or if they will tell Hubcap before I'm ready for him to know...

So many things to think on...

Mon

Spring Is Coming!

2010-03-07T16:56:00.002-07:00

I spent the weekend at a local hotel with my kids. I got a screaming deal on this room, because I work with a woman and her husband works there. They were having a "friends and family" special this month. This is the local "4 Star" hotel I've gotten off Priceline a few time...for like $60.00 a night. This time I got the room for $39.00.

Anyway, the room was so so, but the pool in this hotel is bath water warm. It's a great pool for the kids. The hot tub sits in full view of the pool so the adult (me) can sit in the hot tub, and watch them (kidlets) swim. A good friend of mine and her boys who are the same age as my kids, met us there, and we let the kids swim and swim, then ordered pizza, then swam some more. It was such a good night. This morning, the kids and I got up and swam again, then just put our sweats on, grabbed the two small tote bags I brought and came home.

I think I might just be a proponent of a "mini vacation" at home, but not at home. It was so freaking easy. I didn't have to pack really, I did bring a bag of snacks from home which the four kids managed to scarf in no time, but we had loads of fun...for very little money really.

Then when the kids called Hubcap last night, he got me on the phone and said "What the H*LL are you doing there?" In this nastay controlling voice. I said, "I got a great deal on the room and the kids and I are swimming, what's it to you?" He said "It didn't matter". Obviously it did, but oh well. I was talking to "her" (GF) last night about this, and one thing that occurred to me is that maybe he just doesn't realize how he sounds...because that tone automatically puts me on the defensive and makes me angry nearly instantly. I'm not sure it's his intent, but it does. I kept thinking last night, maybe he just doesn't realize that he sounds like a n asshat when he says stuff like that.

It's funny, I got a text from my friend (the one with the two boys) last night after she left, and she texted me, "too bad he didn't know the way to your heart was through your kids"...we had a long talk last night, and our "husbands" are so much alike, I think it scares her to see how mine is acting because I think, and so does she for that matter, she'll be going through this same thing eventually.

I still have to wonder why he cares what I do with the kids, and why he cares what I do in general. It's like he is still trying to control me and each time he tries and it doesn't work pushes him further into his hate of me. He is one of the most unhappy angry people I know now. He didn't used to be, but he is now. His energy is clearly toxic, and it sets me up on edge nearly instantly.

Anyway, I had a good talk with both my friend and my "girlfriend"...god it's weird to say that, bu t it's true....:) I had a great time with my kids...I love love it when we have days...no weekends...like this.

Over and out from Montana!

Mon

Maybe Next Year!!!

2010-03-04T18:44:00.003-07:00

I didn't win "The Lezzies", but I'm so honored to even be nominated...I've been secretly lusting after that for the whole 3 years I've been blogging, both on this blog, and my older closed down blog, "Bearsmountain".

The great thing is though, that my very good friend "Making Space" did win...I'm so freaking happy for her. She has quite the journey, and story to tell. I remember a few years back when she emailed me, and we became good online friends...I couldn't be more pleased for her. Also, Grumpy Granny was nominated like me, and she really has been great to me over the years as well. I think we are all just very lucky to be recognized, and for any of those that did vote for me, I really really appreciate it and want to thank you.

I've been so stressed from Hubcap this week, it just seems to never end. I sometimes wonder just when this freaking nightmare of a divorce is going to end. He blames me for everything, and I know he is saying stuff about me to the kids, just because they say stuff to me. Then it's all I can do to not give them the third degree....I can't run "daddy" down to them...even though I know he is doing it to me. I refuse to hurt my kids.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on forgiveness and hurt. Why is it people feel the need to hurt each other? I'm not saying I'm immune to this, obviously I'm not, as I want to ram Hubcap into a cement wall most of the time, but why is it impossible for me to let it go most of the time?

He never fails to get a dig in on me. I booked Small Son's Birthday Party this week, and told him, that I had to book it on "his" weekend, since "my" weekend was Easter weekend. He got all huffy and said something to the effect "You didn't talk to me about it and now you want me to pay HALF"? I told him I'd really like it if he did, but I sure wasn't holding my breath, as he never wants to do anything where the kids are concerned, that all he HAD to do was get the kids to Small Son's party and I would do the rest. It continually amazes me that this man I was married to for so long, doesn't seem to give a shit about his own kids. He does what he "has" to do, but no more, ever. It makes no sense to me. We have beautiful, wonderful kids and I honestly don't know where his sense of duty and obligation to them went. Probably up in a cloud of pot smoke....just sayin'.

I just want to get past this daily stress of feeling like I'm going to break literally into a million pieces. Like there just isn't "enough" of me to go around. I can't get sick, since he won't help with the kids, I can't take a night off to just go to bed early cause he won't take the kids unless it's "his" weekend..he has to put them to bed a whole four days a month.....I guess that's enough for him. Not that I want my kids to not be with me, but I sure would love to just have someone say sometime...."Good God you look tired, why don't you let me put the kids to bed and you go take a nap".... I can't get my head around the fact this is NEVER going to happen. That this is LIFE as a single parent. I have to get my head around this feeling of being so very alone where the kids are concerned. Being mad is not helping me in the slightest.

I've come out to my sister, and I'm almost there with my mom...I just can't get over the "hump" to tell her for some reason. I'm not sure why, as I'm not worried about her, she is very liberal, and honestly I'm sure she already knows, since years ago I accidentally sent her that erroneous blog post...If you are a long time reader you may remember that.

I know I was sitting at my desk at work today, thinking, I'm really going through this "coming out" thing. In the back of my head, all this time, I think I kept thinking that journey was for "other people". I'm starting to realize I am one of those "other" people after all. There is nothing special or remarkable about me. I'm having to go through the pain of it..just like everyone else.

Well enough for now....

Mon

I'm a Finalist!!!!

2010-02-22T07:40:00.001-07:00

Okay peeps...I made it to the Finals of TLL's 2009 Lezzie Awards, now you really have to vote for me!!! Voting starts today at 12:00 PM.

Good God....We Have an Offer!

2010-02-21T12:51:00.003-07:00

Okay folks, cross your fingers, we had an acceptable offer on the house and signed the papers accepting the offer yesterday. They still have to do a home inspection and all that jazz, but the house really is in good shape. Escrow is set to close on March 26th, which ironically is Small Son's birthday.

Hubcap as usual was his normal putrid self. He just discovered that I had raided the equity line after he did, and he was all pissed about that. I looked at him straight in the face and said, "what, it's okay for you to take money, but not okay for me?" He put his head down and mumbled "I guess not". I'll tell you, I'm getting more and more sick of the whole thing.

Last night he called and asked me not to take anymore money out of the equity line, then proceeded to tell me that I had taken out more money. I said, maybe, but I also didn't have any money and I needed to feed the kids...He once again said his infamous phrase to me, "I didn't ask for this, not my problem"...fucker. He gives me $90.00 per month for two kids...and it's not his problem. Well maybe not. But it is his problem if his kids need to eat or have new jeans..but evidently that's not "his problem" either. I know I shouldn't get so angry but I do.

I'm trying to get my head around cutting him off, finalizing and all that jazz. It's much harder emotionally than I expected it to be. Oh well.

Mon

A Day...or a Week In My Life

2010-02-17T00:38:00.004-07:00

Goodness it's late. I've tried to go to sleep. I did in fact go to sleep, on my couch. I called my girl to say goodnight when I woke up, then went to bed. Now the fun begins. I wake up and can't sleep. I clock watch. I dread going to work tomorrow.

I feel like I live a half life. Half real, half holding back. I'm not sure when I'm going to find the courage to finally break through the walls I need too. I had no idea this process, this coming out process would take me literally years. That I'd need to have a final experiment with a man. That I'd fall in love the first time I reached out to someone.

My mind wanders in a million directions, and I really feel like I need some time off to just process it all.

I have made many decisions this year. Who do I tell, when do I tell, do I even need to tell? Is it any of so and so's business who I sleep with? But if I don't tell, does that mean I'm "hiding"? All questions to ponder. I sometimes think I'm walking a tightrope. If I do the wrong thing, surely I'll tip and fall down into the rabbit hole.

A good friend of mine at work keeps bringing up lesbianism. I can't figure out if she is figuring me out..or leaning that way herself...I have no interest in this person other than being friends, but it's a sticky situation.

I think this is the core reason I want to move. I can move and just "come out"..period. I can tell people here, and because I won't have to deal with them on a daily basis, I can relax a bit. I can live my life in a more honest truthful place.

I really am having a hard time with this right now. For as honest as I am being most of the time, there is the part of me that is totally compartmentalized. I have made a promise to myself though. I will not hide things from "her". I won't compartmentalize in my relationship again. I feel safe opening up and telling her the dirty secrets I haven't told anyone else to speak of. I even told her about my blog so she can read it. It's so very different than the life I lived with Hubcap.

I also wonder, just how much do I tell the kidlets? They are so little, my gut says just be normal, act normal, and they won't question it. If I make a big deal of it, then it will be a big deal for them. My only worry is when Hubcap finds out. Hopefully by that time I'll have moved and not have to deal with him on a daily basis, at least for awhile. I suspect he will eventually follow me there, as he won't want to be that far away from the kids...but we shall see.

I'm just so emotional of late. So vulnerable.

Some of the things I love about my new "girlfriend", yes I'm going to call her that. I have said the love word, I have taken the personals down. I think she officially counts as my girlfriend at this point.

She is wonderful, have I told you that? She honestly makes me feel more loved, and more cared for than I have since I was a child, and I'm not sure she even tries. She's just that way. I know she is intense....as most Leo's are. At the same time, she is so calming for me. We hang out, cook, and really don't feel much of a need to even leave the house. We talk constantly...in a good way. I can tell her hard things and not only is she okay with them, she is objective and has a good opinion. I hope I can be as much of a help to her as she is to me. I just really am enjoying this. I'm enjoying not being scared of "what" she is thinking, as she just tells me.

We had such a nice Valentines day weekend. I gave her a box of personal products so she wouldn't have to "pack" to come see me. She left her robe, and I keep going in the closet and smelling it. She gave me the most wonderful letter. I have re-read it at least 20 times, and along with a big bunch of red flowers and a cute little stufty.

I went out on a "date" with Small Son on Friday night to see "Avatar". She just hung out at my house, and when I got home rubbed my back. She gets my kids and my need to see and be with my kids..I'll never get over how huge this really is..that she is not threatened by my big freaking scary life.

I was in some pretty serious pain Saturday night, and instead of the usual ignoring me, making me feel guilty stuff that I'm used too...she laid with me, rubbed my knees and back, and we spooned and talked. It was amazing. We fit..our bodies fit.

To say that I'm happy about her being in my life is an understatement. I'm grateful I've found someone who not only puts up with me, but understands me, loves me, and finds me sexy. I hope she knows I feel the same about her.

Okay...enough babbling....I'm finally getting sleepy...

Oh..and VOTE VOTE VOTE for me please!!!!

Mon

The TLL Awards....I've Been Nominated!!

2010-02-16T19:54:00.005-07:00

I never thought I'd actually be nominated for this award from "The Lesbian Lifestyle", but wow...who ever did it, thank you!!!!

So now...y'all must vote for me...please...pretty please????

I am feeling the need to win this!!!

I've been nominated in the "coming out late in life" category. Please please vote for me in that category!

You can only nominate me for one category, so please make sure it's the "Out Later in Life" category. I need to be in the top three to make the final rounds.

I'm so so excited!!!

Mon

}

My New Crush!

2010-02-13T13:10:00.002-07:00

Good god I think she's sexy. If you haven't seen Avatar..go see it!

Trudy Chacon--a.k.a. bad ass spaceship helicopter pilot---a.k.a.----Michelle Rodriguez.

Tortilla Flat

2010-02-09T22:50:00.002-07:00

So much to blog about tonight, I don't really know where to start. So I'll start with one of my favorite books...

"To think, all those years I lay in that chicken house, and I did not know any pleasure. But now, oh, now I am very happy."--John Steinbeck

I picked this up again this week and was sucked into it like being sucked into a good cup of coffee ...honestly, Steinbeck is one of my favorites, and I think a great deal of that comes from the fact he writes so much about Monterrey CA and I can see it, I can feel it and I can smell it, so strong is that area in my memory.

Anyway...I write.

I had a great weekend this weekend. The kids and I met "her" in Missoula at the hotel and had fun at the water park. We let the kids swim until they could swim no more, then stuffed them with pizza, soda, cookies, crackers and candy and took them swimming again. To say the kids had a good time is an understatement. After I showered them, they went to bed and were in a swim coma before I got out of my shower.

I went next door to her room, (adjoining) and we had some rum and coke, and laid on the bed. It was so comfortable, so right. We talked, we made love, and I told her I loved her. It surprised me, and it didn't. I've been holding this back for weeks. Thankfully, I heard those very scary words back in my ear. We were holding each other so tight, it was impossible to let go. Finally, I crawled out of her bed, and back to my own, and drifted off to sleep.

The next day, we took the kids swimming again, and after not too much time, the kids were ready to go back to our rooms, and we all crashed for an hour or so before we had to get ready to go. Then we went out to a great place to eat..the same place we went on our first date, which is a Mongolian BBQ/Noodle place. The kids loved watching their food being cooked, and it felt so so good to just be there with them..and with her. It felt so peaceful. The kids loved her, and talked about missing her on the way home. They really didn't have any clue as to what our relationship really is, but that's for later. Right now, they just need to know that we are "friends". I was proud of both of us, as we managed to keep our hands off of each other and stay prim and proper when the kids were around.

As we were leaving the restaurant I got the kids in their car seats, video players going and walked around to the other side of her truck, and stood there in the parking lot and totally kissed her, in public, and it felt so good.

As I was driving home, I realized a few things. Here I was, driving through the scenic Montana country side, listening to the Indigo Girls, and pondering my life. I had an epiphany, I decided right then and there, that I was going to move to Missoula as soon as I could. So many reasons, and they all make perfect sense and feel right deep down inside.

Even taking her out of the equation, Missoula is a place I would much rather live. It is a college town. It has live music, culture events, real book stores, more support services for the LGBT community. It will be easier being a queer parent there. It has rivers i.e. water, for the Cancer/water sign part of me that is drying up here. I've never been into lakes much. It needs to be a moving, flowing water source, so that pretty much leaves rivers and the ocean.

That aside, it would put me closer to her and further away from Hubcap. Still it's only 110 miles between the two towns, so meeting him to exchange the kids won't be that hard.

Then there is the connection to my dad, and my mom that I feel there. I grew up listening to my folks talk about Missoula. My dad went to college there, at U of M and received both his BA and MA degree from there. My mom worked there and has lots of stories to tell about it. It always seemed so far off when I was a kid. Like someplace out in outer space. Now it feels like this could very well be the last place I move too. I've pondered other places, but it really doesn't feel like it's in the cards, at least right now. It was suddenly so clear that this was the right thing. Maybe I can settle down there and raise my kids in my dad's favorite place.

The other thing is, my stinky ass boss is on my ass again. He's on me, and I've had it. I'm officially looking now. I had my mom revamp my resume and cover letters today. They are still in process, but are nearly done. I'm looking in Missoula as well as Helena. I'm not going to let this miserable excuse for a man make me miserable again.

I've made the executive decision that I will not let other people control my destiny any more. I will not give them that power. I'm almost out of this mess, I can feel it. It's been a long time coming now, three years since I started blogging, 3 1/2 years since I fell in love with you know who....

Now I'm living alone with my kids, red curtains on my walls, and have my own big screen TV...who'd have thunk it???

Mon

2010-02-02T23:30:00.003-07:00

The hell that I call divorce and house selling is never going to end. I can't believe our house is really ever going to sell. I hate my realtor, and plan on firing his sorry ass as soon as I can.

I am going to meet "her" in Missoula this weekend and she is going to meet the kidlets. Adjoining rooms, indoor water park and good fun, I think we can all use some.

I really am doing okay, it's just this constant gnawing at me, like a sore tooth funny enough, that makes this sometimes feel unbearable. My connections to Hubcap are tenuous at best right now. I emailed him today because he has not responded to my question last week about finalizing the divorce, and how much more time does he really need. Well today I told him that I thought June 1 was fair. Now of course he isn't talking to me. Big surprise really, what I don't get is why he can't see that this doesn't work on me anymore?

Not only that, but I called him tonight, due to the "right of first refusal" clause in our separation agreement, and asked him if he'd like to have Little Miss for a few hours on Friday night while I take Small Son to the movies to see "Avatar". He told me "NO", that I'd better get a babysitter. Asswipe. He doesn't want to spend any time with his kids that he is not "required" to do. My therapist seems to think he will fade off into the great blue yonder, as things become final. I almost don't care. I almost don't care about child support even if he'd just leave us alone. I'm sorry for my kids, but they are never going to have the dad I want them to have. They are never going to have the kind of dad that I had.

They have a sorry ass excuse of a dad that really doesn't give a shit about them. He could give a rip if I put them with a sitter, if they really have enough to eat, if their home work is done. He doesn't know they cry for him, nor does he seem to care. I've told him over and over that they want to spend time with him. How can anyone turn their back on kids as beautiful and wonderful as mine?

I don't and never will understand where his sense of duty and obligation went. That he hates me, doesn't really matter to me. That he won't do shit for his own kids and just assumes that I'm the one that "needs" to do this because "he didn't ask for this" makes me nearly hate what little part of him is still left inside.

Oh well, all I can do is what I can do, and that is to make sure my babies know I'm here and not going anywhere...

Mon

My Tooth...Part Deux

2010-01-31T12:22:00.002-07:00

Just a quick update for now to let everyone know my tooth everyone know that I did get a root canal on Thursday, and it was actually about as pleasant as a root canal could be. Once he got me numbed, and gassed, I was listening to my iPod and had no desire to go anywhere else. No residual pain, and it's all been good since...

Much thanks for the well wishes!

Mon

My Tooth...

2010-01-28T04:00:00.002-07:00

I've got a tooth-ache tonight...so bad that two doses of vicodin and two doses of fast acting Tylenol have barely taken the edge off of it. I knew I was having a problem with it, I actually made an appointment, but sadly it's not for over a week. I thought I could make it, evidently not.

I hate hate tooth pain. It's the worst of the worst in my book. Lord knows I've had more than my fair share. I'm nearly at the point of telling them to just pull the lot of them and get a bridge. I'm so sick of the pain. I know I could fix it, but honestly, I've had so many abscesses in the last few years, that I don't want to do this any more. I'm crowned till there are no more room for crowns.

I had a tooth pulled last year, and honestly, it was in the very back, where this one is, and I haven't missed it a bit. You can't tell it's gone. No more pain! Poof...pain be gone.

Why does my body insist on giving me severe pain on a regular basis? It must be some lesson I'm trying to learn in this life, but honestly I'm tired of it.

I started feeling that "twinge" about a week ago. I should have gone straight to the dentist, but honestly I didn't want too. I kept thinking it would go away. I know that was a wish, but I'm not good at my teeth, mostly because I'm tired of drills, pain, drills, more pain...pain worse than having my kids. Tonight, it's bad...but I keep thinking, how bad would it be tonight IF I hadn't had pain pills to take.

Then there is the freaked out part of me that has seen too many coroner shows (Thanks Dr. G) and have seen what happens if you let stuff go. I've never been able to figure out how someone can "let it go" since when it's bad, it's to the point if I could chew it off I would.

Honestly, there is no worse pain that I've experienced, tooth pain just sucks.

So I won't be going to work tomorrow. I will be either A. getting into the dentist to get something done, or B. At least getting myself on antibiotics and more pain pill which will cut the pain right then. The pain is from an infection, and ABX cuts the infection....

We will see, but right now I'm drugged up and tired, and my alarm will be going off in 2 hours...I have to get the kids to school, then I'll be dealing with this mess. I may just go take a nice long shower right now....

Wish me luck peeps!

Mon

Love Is Spoken Here

2010-01-25T00:49:00.003-07:00

That phrase is stuck in my head tonight.

The roses, are what I came home to Wednesday Night, in a long white box on my porch from "her". OMG...I needed it. I miss her terribly every day.

My kids, I had the best freaking day with my kids. We didn't do anything special. Small son had his friend over for a sleepover, so we did that...the boys woke up and played DS and Wii. I let them stay up as late as they wanted last night, providing that I didn't hear them. They were in sleeping bags on the living room floor. I figured what the heck, it's a sleep over, let them have fun. The mama in me had to stay up, awake in my room until they were asleep, but they didn't know that.

We had one of those wonderful home days that consist of a slow moving nothing day. Wake up, eat, hang out. We did home work, cuddled on the couch, watched "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" for the 40th time, and did laundry. Ate dinner, did showers, and then they went to bed sleepy, happy and tired. Really what more does a mommy want? I haven't left my house since I got home from work on Friday. That is the beauty of shopping ahead. I wasn't out of anything at all, so I didn't need to leave. It was snowy, cold, and time to hole up with my cubs, and we did that with abandon. Little Miss spent the weekend dressed up as a "fairy"...she got a bunch of fairy costumes in a trunk for Christmas which she uses on a daily basis.

I helped Small Son make a UFO spaceship, complete with a green alien made out of a burst balloon with cotton balls and paper clip antenai, it looks rather cool if I do say so myself.

I had my weekly fight with Hubcap. I'm so done with him.

I decided I'm changing Realtors if I can get out of the contract...we will see.

Found a house online that I'm in love with, the only thing is that I would need to add a garage. But the price is so far within my comfort zone, that is a possibility. It's on an acre and a half, up in the woods, with a wood stove, rustic interior, and best of all, so the website says a "deep soaking tub"...score. Now to figure out how to sell my house faster.

"She" is coming this weekend, and I'm having a hard time waiting. This distance thing is getting harder by the farking minute. It's going well so far, and I spend nearly every night talking to her. She is an exceptional person, and I sometimes want to pinch myself to figure out how someone can be so kind to me. So understanding of me needing time, so willing to listen to my constant bitching. So willing to eat my casseroles, big joke because Hubcap wouldn't sink to eating a casserole. I'm thrilled that she likes the same kind of food I do.

I'm so happy with the way it's all going so far. Challenges ahead I'm sure. Now I just want to get past this marriage, past the house, and onto the real life I know awaits me. Each day, I'm more sure I don't want to be with Hubcap, and that I saved by my kids and myself by leaving. He is so angry, so wrapped up in his own misery.

Today though, is a happy birthday, it's my Dad's 80th Birthday. I hope my daddy knows that I'm thinking about him today.

Mon

A "New Normal"?

2010-01-19T00:04:00.003-07:00

Can't get this phrase out of my head today.

Really feel funky tonight, I even ate Cheez-it's in my bed and I NEVER eat crackers in my bed, and rarely eat in my bed at all, tonight, I was in the mood for crumbs I guess.

I keep thinking how I want things to "get back to normal". But what is normal for me now????

Normal is worrying that my kids are sick and that I can't call Hubcap to have a small conference on whether or not to "stay" home from school, because we all know how that will end up. I'll call, he'll go.."what do you want me to do about it?" and I'll get pissed and hang up, and still probably make the decision myself, in a more resentful place than where I started....so now, normal is...me making the decision...same as before, but different. If I haven't lost you yet, you get a cookie, except I'll need to rain check it to you because I have to bake them...but I digress...

Normal used to be feeling like I had to "hide" me from nearly everyone here where I live. I'm getting impatient with that. I'm getting blatant to the point it's probably not going to be long until the cat is out of the proverbial bag.

Heck, I don't know. I don't know what is normal for me anymore, except that I'm having a hard time tonight because I'm dreading this week. I'm dreading not selling the house, and I'm dreading selling it. I'm dreading going back to work this week because my Stinky Boss is coming back from vacation. I'm dreading the fact I'm not digging my job, and the State just imposed a hiring freeze. I'm dreading the fact I have no clean laundry. I feel so fucking overwhelmed most of the time.

I was talking to a friend tonight...Okay okay, it was my "new" friend about how each person processes things differently and when it comes to emotional issues, I am certainly one that will talk about it until you are tired of hearing it. Then after I got off the phone, it occurred to me that though this is very true, I'm also really good at pretending "everything is OK" to everyone in my life. The mantra going through my head is usually something like this.

Friend (any friend will do): "How are you doing?"

Me: "Oh, I'm fine, and how are you?" (all the while thinking, I'm not fine...damnit...I hate my job...my kids are sick and I can't really stay home with them, I don't want to do my laundry, I don't feel good, I need a vacation, I'm going to fall over from being so tired)

Friend: "That's cool, what are you doing this weekend?"

Me: "Oh nothing much, just the usual" (which consists of doing mounds of laundry, cooking, listening to children whine, trying to figure out just how I'm going to pay the bills this month, wondering if I can still get that cheese on sale at the grocery, cleaning toilets, falling asleep on the couch because I can't stay awake....)

I know I'm being factious...but you get the picture.

I'm just impatient. Also, the more time I have off of work (i.e. long weekends), the more I want and crave it. The more I want to just sit down, write a book and sell it so I don't have to work anymore. I'm sure half of this is because Aunt Flo came on Sunday, and I'm moody and tired, but that thought also rings true. I want out of this life, into my new one. I want out of this twilight almost done with the divorce thing, but not quite.

I want to feel relaxed like I did this weekend...like I could just chill out.

I had such a good weekend too...

She got here on Friday and we BBQed steaks, hung out in the house, then went to bed and cuddled. When we woke up on Saturday morning, it was so easy, so comfortable. We seem to have that way about us. We went out for a late lunch, went to the grocery and then she helped me move Small Son's bed upstairs to Little Misses room. We had to take apart this somewhat large lodge-pole twin bed and reassemble it. Do you know we managed this without one scuff?? Not a cross word, not a "you should do it this way" nothing...we both knew what we were doing, and we had fun. It's been a long time since I had so much fun doing something so mundane as moving furniture. Ask anyone that knows me, moving is not my forte'...

Saturday night proved to be even more relaxed and fun, and easy and just plain good. Not sure what is going on here, but it's hard to see her go on Sunday. I didn't want her too, that's for sure. But it's back to "real" life then, kids come home from Hubcap's...dinner, baths...etc...

Still...I can't help but wonder what it would be like to live my life in a place of peace, comfort and joy on a daily basis....

And just because I'm in the mood...a little Stevie treat for you....:)

Mon

MLK

2010-01-18T14:18:00.002-07:00

A tribute to Dr. King, sung just a few days after he was murdered by one of my favorite singers, Nina Simone.

I'm surprised I hadn't heard this, leave it to Sta to make me aware of it.

Lots of thinking going on inside today. Hanging out with the kidlet's is always good for my mental health, but today I just don't seem to have any energy.

I'm so dreading going back to work tomorrow. My boss is back from vacation. Not looking forward to that at all. Also, it's been sort of a hard week to get my head around the fact there is a hiring freeze on state workers right now. That means no job hunting for me, and being stuck somewhere I swore I'd really be working to leave after the 1st of the year. There must be some higher meaning in this, but I'm not quite sure of what it is. Sometimes I don't think I can keep walking even one more day.

Found out Hubcap took money out of our equity line and paid his rent three months in advance. I knew he was going to pull something like this, I couldn't figure out how he was going to make it once February came, since that was the end of his "paid in advance" rent from August. I was beyond mad, since I've had to make an arrangement with my mom to borrow a set sum of money each month just to make it. So why is it so easy for him to just "take" money out of our equity line that he promised me he wouldn't touch? Why is it I feel honor bound to be a decent human being to him, when I want to strangle him? Why Why Why??????

I'm just so tired of this, so done with it all. The despair I feel when I think of it too much is overwhelming. I want to run away sometimes, but I can't. I'm too grown up, have too many responsibilities. I have the kids, whom I adore, but who wear me out.

I had a bath this weekend, alone, and a shower alone, and it was sheer heaven. I ate good food and hung out with "her" and that was wonderful. It gives me hope that this hard phase is maybe, somehow coming to an end.

Mon

"Prayer to Changing Woman"

2010-01-08T00:07:00.002-07:00

I pulled this right out of my 2010 "We'Moon" datebook. Hopefully they won't mind. I give the author full credit. This so feels like my life right now.

"Changing Woman---all creatures bow to you, to your eternal wisdom. Like us you change, too. Born infant in the east, you gracefully crawl to the south, become potent maiden. With your first blood, you dance to the west, become adult woman. Slowing down on your journey to the north, hair silvering and body resilient with old age, you become elder in the north. And then with turquoise can, you walk bent and small, back towards east from whence you came, performing your eternal mystery of renewal and rebirth.

Goddess of many names--Changing Woman, White Shell Woman, Turquoise Woman, grant us your serenity about change, help us to see into the dark glass of impermanence, to honor the things that come as well as go, to trust your eternal cycles of birth to death and to know there will be rebirth again. Help us find peace in all things that change, in our bodies that grow old. Grant us your vision to guide our lives through our passages, large and small. help us trust in the guiding spirit that directs and births all things, from the tiniest seed to the wisdom in our cells. Help see us through the rising and setting of all our suns, the waxing and waning of our many moons. Spread your white shell of protection under our feet and help us walk with turquoise cane into our old age. Grant us the promise of your rebirth. We bow to you, oh Goddess of Change."

--Beth Beurkens 2008.

Confessions Early Thursday Morning

2010-01-07T06:55:00.002-07:00

I'm so happy about my tattoo...I keep looking at it thinking "wow" it's mine. It seems strange it's there forever, and it seems very right. It's who I am now, a goddess with a heart in her womb....

I called Hubcap on his drinking this week, specifically the drinking he does around the kids. I emailed him so I have actual documentation should I need it. Small Son had a major melt down on Monday night about Daddy. Hubcap thinks "I'm blowing things out of control". I guess he thinks if he treats me shitty enough, I'll drop it. Sorry buddy...Not.

I've contacted a few therapists already, going to get Small Son evaluated at the minimum. I need some sort of plan of action. I just can't let this continue at the expense of my kids. This is the first time I've had real reason to jump..but I've been watching. I want him to have a relationship with the kids, but I'm not going to allow this drunk fest of what ever goes on there when I'm not around.

I woke up early, it's nice to get a little time to myself, but I need to get the kids up and get this day going.

Mon

"Her"

2010-01-04T00:35:00.003-07:00

Sitting here pondering and thinking of this weekend, and all that happened and all that it meant to me.

So much change on a million levels.

What can I say about it? Probably not making much sense since I'm still trying to "process" it in my head.

One thing that was apparent to me, was that I didn't want her to go home today. I think the mere fact that we live so far apart is a very good thing right now. Everything just "worked" this weekend. Hang out time..wonderful....sex...wonderful...going out together was wonderful. It felt so normal to me.

To be with someone I wasn't immediately ready to kick out of my house, out of my life, was pretty amazing to me. I was lying with her on the couch last night, just thinking how it was so wonderful to be with someone physically that I was so into emotionally. It's a huge change for me and I don't really know how to verbalize it.

When I got my "tattoo" this weekend, the tattoo called us "life partners". Where does that come from? I mean we both clarified with her that we hadn't known each other that long, but it seems that I did get to experience things I never have. One of them was someone making assumptions about my life. It was okay for me, but it did make me realize I've actually crossed the road and now I have to figure out how to live on this side of the street full time.

I think one of the things I do find so attractive about butch lesbians is the utter braveness of it. There is no hiding who you are from the world. I have that option, but when you live your life in that place where everyone knows you are a dyke, your experiences are different for sure. I got a taste of that this weekend and it honestly thrilled me, and didn't really scare me. I guess I feel ready to deal with it.

I've made the executive decision that though I'm not ready to "announce" to the world I'm a dyke, that I am ready to tell the truth. If I am asked, I will be truthful. I'm not going to deny it any longer to make other people feel comfortable, or to keep myself comfortable. Comfortable is complacent and I don't want to be complacent any more.

I'm working on being brave.

I hope I'm being brave.

It just all felt so normal today when I woke up with her in my bed. It felt like I've always thought it should feel and didn't. I didn't feel insecure. I didn't feel like I had to hide the "real" me from her. In fact quite the opposite. It was a lesson in not hiding, and more importantly not feeling the need to hide.

I've tattooed a goddess on my back and I believe the meaning is quite apparent. It's a step I've taken to remind myself of who I really am.

One more step down the yellow brick road of authenticity!

Mon

The Goddess Has Arrived!

2010-01-02T13:23:00.010-07:00

Okay folks....you wanted pictures...here you go.

Started off the day (and night E.G.) with my friend and we went bright and early to get my new tattoo. I love it!!

See for yourself, I think it came out wonderful! It will be more fun to put pictures up after the color is settled, and I was proud of myself that I didn't pass out even once!!

Right Before

The Stencil

Working On The Outline

Almost done!

All Finished! Don't you love it?????

Just because I need to hear some ARay after my very very lovely night and day....

Losing It Central

2009-12-29T18:28:00.003-07:00

I'm going to lose it.

This weekend (New Years) is Hubcap's weekend to have the kids. He is taking Thursday off to stay home with them since they do not have DC. His night for dinner is Wednesday night. So tonight I asked him, "so are you just going to keep them overnight since you will have them Thursday", and he said, "No, I wasn't planning on it".

OMG. I assumed he'd keep them.

He then said, "Can't you just bring them over here before work??" His house is across town and the opposite direction from my job.

So then I said, "well then, you can just keep them on NYE and bring them to me on Friday morning", and he said "But I have to WORK at 5AM....!""

Does he not see the irony here

It's okay for me to get my happy ass up, and get the kids dressed and take them to his house so he doesn't have to have them at night, and lets not even acknowledge that he's taking away one of my nights this weekend.

But it's not okay for him to do the same...

Every time he does something like this he becomes more of a moron to me. I just sent him an email saying I was only going to keep the kids on Friday during the day like I agreed to.

Fuck him.

On a happier note, I paid the deposit for my tattoo tonight...I gave her the design, and they are going to draw it up, and send it to me by email probably by tomorrow night.

I agreed to go with a pretty teal blue, a very dark pretty blue outline and a little white for highlighting, I'm so excited.

I'm also excited for other reasons this weekend...I'm breaking free folks!!!

Mon

Five Days and Counting.....

2009-12-27T23:40:00.004-07:00

I don't even know where to begin anymore.

I'm getting a new tattoo on Saturday. I've made an appointment to talk to the tattoo artist this week, to go over the design, and leave a deposit, and have loose plans for Saturday AM. I'm going to do a goddess on the back of my neck. The womb will be a heart, and it will all be outlined in black, with half moons on either side of her body. She will have large hips and breasts....it will be filled in with teal. I was thinking very small, but I've decided I'm going to go a bit larger after all. I want to make a statement, so I'm not going to make a small one.

I really am feeling lately like I don't give a shit anymore who knows and who doesn't. Though I'm not necessarily telling the world, I'm not NOT telling either..if that makes sense.

I'm moving from the cocoon finally. As many of you know, it's been a long long road for me to get here. This journey started for me over three years ago now, and though I've shut it down, my old blog, is a testement to that journey.

I'm now about to embark on my first "real" relationship with a woman, and it just feels so stinking good. She's going with me to get my tattoo, which I am happy about as I'm a bit of a chicken and need some hand holding for sure.

What can I say about this person right now? I'm not sure. It hasn't gotten physical yet...but I'm nearly 100 percent that will change this weekend. We've talked of it at great length...and we both want it. After our first date in Missoula, we've talked nearly every night, late into the night. Pretty much no subject has been left untouched, and it feels so strange to think that already she knows me better than Hubcap does/did.

I know when he see's the tattoo, he's going to lose it. Not sure how long it will be until he see's it, but I know my kids are really bad at not talking, so I imagine he's going to figure it out. He still seems to feel he has some sort of claim to me, and I know he will understand when I get this tattoo...that it's broken. He always hated the idea of me getting a tattoo...hate is a pretty mild term to express his feelings about me getting a tattoo...so we will see. He's been questioning the goddess necklace I've been wearing lately as well... But I'm just going to let it go as it goes...I'm not willing to not do what I want any longer at this point in my life.

I have plans in the works for another tattoo down the road, on my belly over my womb.

I have plans for all sorts of things now.

I had a wonderful holiday with the kids....and really am having moments of true joy as of late...joy in both the little and big things in my life.

Thanks for hanging in here with me through my non writing blogging phase as of late...

Mon

Getting Up!

2009-12-22T18:06:00.002-07:00

I'm in a much less angry place about Hubcap, I think I can let it all go for now. I just can't argue a stupid issue with him, and I'm not going to stop him from telling his friends what he wants to tell them. I know the truth, I live it every day.

OK..ya'll keep asking about my date. It went sorta really well. I drove over there with a snow storm coming on...we had wonderful Mongolian BBQ food, went to a movie, had a hug, and then I drove home through three hours of snow and ice. Can I say it was totally worth it?

I just really like her. She knows I like her. We are agreed about the "no u-haul" thang.....and have plans to see each other again for a weekend soon, very soon .

I honestly can't wait.

We talk and talk and talk some more. We like a lot of the same music. I think the odds are happening that we are going to be great friends...and most likely friends with some benefits...to use that old inane term.

How refreshing is it for me to talk to someone...really talk after years of non talking??? I find her super attractive, and hopefully it's mutual. I just don't know. I feel excited and like I'm waking up.

I've decided for sure I'm getting a tattoo!!!

Hopefully we will all have a great holiday season!!!!

Mon

Brain Freeze

2009-12-16T23:17:00.005-07:00

My head is spinning.

I found out by way of a wayward email today just what Hubcap has been saying about me. I'm beyond hurt. Beyond mortified that he is telling what he is telling, and pissed as hell. I am staying here, in the frozen north so the kids can be close to him, and he's telling tales so tall the Jolly Green Giant couldn't get to the top of them...

Breathe...deep breath......

Really though, I'm just having a hard time period. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of insanity sometimes. The only thing that keeps me sane are the kids. They keep me focused and moving forward. Then I think..the thing that is driving me insane is this place...or I should say the lack of community here. I'm not sure I'd be any better off anywhere else either. I think I'm just going through a hard time...period.

I want to like it here, but this cold is getting to me. We've just started into winter and I'm already feeling done with it. Then I think...I'm miserable in the heat of the summer here as well. I want to be coastal again, but I'm not convinced that is really the answer either. A huge part of me knows I need to make peace with me...no matter where I am. I need to learn not to let things matter so much to me.

In this email today...I was called a "cold hearted bitch, who walked away with 80 grand after getting him to pay off my student loans and credit card bills...OMG....what the fuck...how is that possible that he even believes that. He knows I don't have 80 grand...he totally lied...fucking bold faced lied. He's lying to everyone about what happened, what I've done and what he has and has not done. He only wants to be daddy when it suits him.

When am I going to go postal on him and tell him just what a fucktard he really is?? Maybe he knows this, in fact I'm sure he does. He knows me. He knows I didn't take advantage of him, but he also has no explanation about why I left him other than turning me into the bitch from hell who only wants money. If that's the case, then why do I only have less than a grand in my checking account now??? I just want out of this whole thing.

I want to feel good again. I have moments when I do. When I'm around my real friends and I know that they know me, and know that I'm not a monster, that I'm a good mother.

You know, I'm just flat out tired. I need a break, I need a vacation. I don't even get my long weekend over New Years because he "has to work"...so that means I have to keep the kids on Friday....I know I'm letting him do this. I also know that if I don't take my kids, it puts them in a precarious place that I'm not willing to let them be in. It's a hard circle to get my head around. Just how much to I not cooperate, and then let them be at his mercy with his drunken stoned moods.

I'm not willing to put my babies there in that place, even at my own expense. So I hire a sitter once a week so I can have some "me" time...then he hassles me about that. He doesn't get it.

It's been so hard for me to write. I don't know were I am.

I just want it to not be so hard all the time. I want to have a week, to wake up, sleep in, and rest. I want to go to the beach.

More than likely I will continue working every day...rising at 5:30am and going to bed at 1:00am. I need to sleep but can't. I've let my kids move into my bed with me because we all need the cuddle time.

The reality of being a single parent with two small children weighs heavily on me most of the time. I know he is around some, but it's never really anything that helps me, or that I can count on.

I'm sorry this is so long and blubbery..but I've felt like I need to start writing and right now this is what is coming out of me.

It sort of amazes me that this is harder than it was when I was living with him, but in a different way. The only difference is that now I have momentary lapses of pure joy at times...but they are short lived to say the least, but at least my friends....they are there now.

Mon....

For Your Saturday Listening Pleasure

2009-12-12T09:25:00.001-07:00

This song has pretty strong feelings attached to it for me, enjoy!

Coldly...Bitterly......Me

2009-12-08T21:15:00.003-07:00

It's been a long time since I've felt like writing. Lately my head has just been going in circles. So much has happened, I'm not even going to try to do a recap at this point. Suffice it to say, I'm more certain than ever that I'm on the right path.

Little Miss killed my Macbook about three weeks ago. It sucked...bad. My brand new MacBook Pro...shattered LED screen....fixable, but very expensive fix and I'm not really sure that she didn't break the hard drive as well. She pulled it off my dresser, boom....perfume bottle fell on it, dented the "unibody" and shattered the internal LED screen.

So now I'm the not so proud owner of a new Dell Inspirion computer. I couldn't afford to replace my beloved, not yet, so I'm muddling through, trying to be grateful to the universe that I even had the option to get another laptop.

I've been having a hard time lately, I feel like I've entered into the second phase of "who am I"? Am I really gay? Or am I Bi?? Or does it matter? How do I define myself? It's hard to blog about for sure.

It seems as if I have opened a book that now I'm not sure how to read.

The positive thing is though, I have a real live date this weekend. Yeah me! I really like this woman a lot. I met her online and she lives in MT, albeit quite some distance from me, but what's a drive?? I'm excited to meet her. I don't know what to wear....

I'm going to work on writing more. I don't want to use this space as my complain zone though, and that's how I've felt in the last month. Feelings hurt, feeling defensive, and feeling like I want to lash out...make things explode....tell people that I'm not cool with certain actions.

My kids have been a challenge to say the least, my house hasn't even had a nibble and I'm thinking of getting a house mate. We'll see. I did get my Xmas tree up, and decorated, and most of the outside decorations are up, but it's been to cold to finish that.

It's bitterly cold here in Montana tonight. I glanced out my bedroom window, with my little ones in my bed, (they snuck in here, as I've been working on getting them to sleep on their own), and it was like a constant stream of smoke signals. Now when I lived up on the hill, I never saw this, maybe because there were not many houses around mine. But here, in my town-home, I'm surrounded. Smoke streams everywhere I look. It's a strange sight for sure.

Slowly and surely I'm making my way in the world. I'm going to do exactly what I want from here on out, as long as it doesn't hurt someone else. I'm in exploratory mode. Tactile mode. Single mode....whatever....whenever....

M

Honesty Is So Hard....Being Authentic is Even Harder...

2009-11-03T04:35:00.003-07:00

I can't seem to find my voice, and don't understand why it's so hard for me. It's never hard for me to write, or at least, it's not usually hard for me. Writing has always been my mainstay. My touchstone so to speak.

I'm swimming through the waves. I'm getting stronger, even as my knee and leg pain consumes me. I constantly worry about becoming addicted to pain killers. If you have ever had chronic pain, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Take this little pill, and be able to function, or don't take it and hurt like hell. When I hurt, I get nothing done. I have to think about what can I really do today. Sit too long I hurt, stand too long I hurt. I'm tired of this. I do okay most days, but this has been a hard week managing my pain.

I am terrified of taking too much and becoming addicted so I choose not too. When I do give in and take the vicodin, it's a sigh of relief for a brief time. It's time I can rest, and not hurt.

But that choice, limits my options. Right now I am sitting up in bed, at 4:30am, because my legs were hurting so much. So not only am I having pain, I am losing sleep which I'm sure will make the pain worse tomorrow.

Twice this week, the pain was so unmanageable, I had to take pain pills at work. I never do that. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and hit the doctor again. I've been trying to avoid it, but I fear I'm going to have to face it. I worry I have lupus or fibroM. I have good friends with both. Neither is a road I want to travel, so I avoid it all together.

But honestly, sometimes the physical pain I'm in just overtakes everything in my life. I am strong though. I have faith I will make the right choices. I have faith I will hold it together and take care of my babies.

This is all on the heals of watching hubcap fall deeper into his addictions. I know he's drinking a lot. I feel it. He always smells of wine. When I come home from work and he's here with the kids waiting for me to get home, there is always a glass of wine going. I made him buy it this time. I'm tired of wanting to have an occasional glass myself and it being gone because he keeps drinking it all.

I elected this week to start hiring a sitter one night a week. Tonight she came over and I went to Walmart. I was able to just relax. Not worry about what time I "had" to be home because hubcap was expecting me. I get my Wednesday's...where he makes them dinner. But he has them home by 7pm...and I don't get off work until 5pm...not much time for weekly shopping, gas getting, dinner, and maybe five minutes of "me" time.

I'm hooking up this weekend with an old friend from HS. He is driving here, and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this. He is in the middle of a separation too, so he's been very lonely. That being said, it's been wonderful talking to someone from home. Someone who knows both the town I grew up in, and my chosen home, SF. He lived in the bay area for as long as I did. His point of references are the same as mine. He also has small children, which is huge when it comes to understanding my life.

He is smart, funny and conservative. How is it I always end up being friends with conservatives? In all honesty, I think he's a secret liberal hiding in a conservative facade.

I've fought with myself about this, because in spite of it all, I feel this weird attraction. I haven't wanted to blog about this. I haven't wanted to say after all my work, I'm feeling this other thing going on. It's taking all my bravery here folks to blog about this.

I talked about this in therapy this week, and D really helped me understand that my feelings about people are fluid. I don't have to adhere to anything. I can make a new friend of the opposite sex and not have it threaten my sexuality. I am the sexual being I am. I know I want my next life partner to be a woman. I also know that right now, at this moment in my life, I want to play. I want to have fun, with no strings. I want to be selfish and do what I want.

She even said that if something sexual happened, it's all a learning experience, and that I need to trust in the fluidity of my movement. I appreciate her so much. It's been so rewarding to have a therapist who is an out lesbian, who didn't come out until her 50's. She totally gets me on a level that most people haven't been able too. She is objective, helpful, and insightful.

On the other hand, I met a woman at work I'm insanely attracted too. It's a nowhere situation, she's consumed with "finding a man".....but at the same time, I find her rather large curvacious body so much like my own terribly attractive, her long hair very attractive, and her slight southern accent charming. I'm willing to play. I wonder if she is??? She seems to mill around me an awful lot, so I can't help but wonder, you know?

Navigating my way through male relationships at this point is something I need to learn. The last years have been about navigating my way through my female relationships...finding my way...trusting that I am who I am. I told someone this week that I was gay, and it was someone I hadn't intended on telling.

Guess what? She asked me what it was like. She told me she was almost leaning there herself. This is someone super important to me, who is in my mommy group, who I've known for 7 years. This is someone conservative. But we have this base together. We have this common place of learning to be mom's together, having marriages to husbands that consistently let us down. The level of trust I have with my friend Carrie is so huge, and it was super freeing for me to tell her and have her accept me.

So I'm going to meet my new friend this weekend with an open heart and no expectations. I'm going to trust that I will meet my own needs in whatever way is right. It's all about trusting yourself isn't it?

Off to try to get another two hours of sleep.

M

Come Home Little Fishy, come home.....

2009-10-20T23:17:00.003-06:00

Like a fish out of water.

I haven't written much lately. Things have been so so hard, that it's impossible for me to begin to describe it. Suffice it to say, it's been a bad bad few weeks at work. My kids both had H1N1. Hubcap has it so bad I'm worried about him and feel compelled to check on him everyday, bring him food, make sure he is Okay.

I'm running through some sort of transition, and I don't know what it is. I hate work so bad right now, it's almost a physical sickness. I cuddle my kids at night, and keep telling myself this too shall pass. Why is it that when I finally feel myself coming into my own, that things become so emotionally challenging that I'm almost at the end of my rope?

I am starting to hate Montana with a passion. I should rephrase that. I hate living in Montana. I want to go home. I want to go home to California where I belong. I'm considering it at this point, but nothing can happen until the house sells.

I know life will not be any easier in CA...money will be hard, worse than hard.

But at least I'll feel like I'm home. I don't fit in here. I try. I know I could try more, but honestly, I'm stretched so thin, I have no energy to put into new relationships. I want to go home and bathe in my old ones.

I want to take my kids home so they grow up knowing there are people besides white people. I want to smell the dirt, grime and urine on the streets....I'm coming to the slow realization that I have tried to go country, but I'm an urban mite. I always have been.

I think about the stuff I used to love, walking down the street, hearing people talk in different languages...some I could recognize, some I couldn't. I knew the homeless on my corners by name, and gave them clothes, coffee, cigarettes, money without hesitation, knowing that they were living the life they chose, and who was I to tell them any different. What you give of your heart, you must give fully, with no regrets.

I can't say that I ever do that here. I go to Wally World, and look at people with scorn in my eyes, I know I do. I know it must be coming off of me in great waves...saying..."fucking hicks"....I go to work, and work with people who know of nothing but this place. Who think this is normal. Hell, maybe it is normal, maybe I'm the weirdo from CA. I know they think that about me, and the more they do, the more I feel myself wanting to act out.

It's getting harder and harder to stay in the closet. It's all I can do not to put blatantly gay topics right on my facebook page for all of them to see. I know one of these days, I'm going to do it and not realize it. I need to somehow tell hubcap I think....

I wish I knew what I really wanted to do. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd be out of here...now. Not waiting. But they deserve more than me selfishly pulling them out of the only place they have known as home for my own needs. I must consider this carefully...and hope with hope that I do the right thing.

I just want to go home. It's that simple. I long for my city by the bay. I long for the fog, for the drives down Hwy 1 from San Francisco to Santa Cruz, for the slow peace of Point Reyes. For the hustle and bustle. I even long for the traffic. How crazy is that? I want to go to Trader Joes, and by my coffee again at the Castro Cheesery where they knew me. How is it in a city as giant as SF....I had more "neighborhood" connections than I've ever had here?

My soul lives in CA....how come I don't? I moved of my own free will, but now I'm regretting it in a huge, big way. I'm not meant for this life here. I know people do it, but I'm not sure I'll ever feel comfortable here, really comfortable. It's because everything I loved, and treasured, in a pleasure way, is not here. I remember driving in the city, looking out over the bay, the blue water on sunny days, the sail boats...the smell of fish frying in the air, the sounds of sea gulls, my favorite scavengers.....and I would always think, OMG, I live here....the pleasure of it, time and time again.

My memories are so wrapped up in the smells (quiet now Sta). In the colors...in the funky dirtiness of it. My pleasures in that city never had to do with the fancy places to eat, or go, they had to do with the rougher side...the grimy side.

Don't get me wrong, I like nice things and places as much as the next person...but walking down a street in the mission, and seeing a mural, standing in the sun with my friend while we waited for Carnival to start....parking my car in the parking lot on Ocean beach and just sitting.......Barbara's Fish Shack in Half Moon Bay, and in Montera...the coffee house that sat on the highway with the glassed in porch and huge rockers so that you could sit there, and enjoy the view. My dad and I used to go there every time he came.

I had neighborhoods I loved, and neighborhoods I avoided like the plague. I loved the Mission, The Haight, China Town, Little China Town, The sunset, and The Richmond....I stayed far far away from The Marina, Pacific Heights, Northbeach, the inner Sunset. I loved Fort Funston and the Hang Gliders, and Pacifica and the fog.....and lets not forget Devils Slide.....

Sta and I used to take small road trips just to go there, and then down the road a bit for Mexican food at a taquaria.

Street musicians, and the silver and gold guys down on the Pier. Fleet week, with the endless noises caused by the Blue Angels flying over head all week. It's all so perfectly clear in my head, even five years later.....fiver years after I left....and it's so fucking real I could touch it.

Enough for now....

M

One More Thing...

2009-10-05T23:44:00.001-06:00

I came into my room tonight, and found the two cutest kids in the universe asleep in my bed...big surprise since they sleep with me every night...but oh well. I love their cuddly little bodies all snuggled up on me, and it won't be long until I will get the look and barely a good morning, so I'm enjoying it while I can....

Can you hear the soft snores coming from my direction????

M

Why????

2009-10-05T22:57:00.002-06:00

Where am I?

This is what I keep asking myself.

I'm not sure how much I like this being alone stuff. Sometimes I feel it so hard, so deep, it cuts like a knife. Then there are other time when I'm wandering around my new home, looking at the fire engine red curtains that I hung, with the curtain rods I hung, that I think this is just fucking awesome....

Maybe it's a question of just learning how to be on my own??? I wish I could settle on one single path...

This morning, driving Small Son to school, toward our old home, we both felt it, felt the sadness that the first snow had fallen and we weren't there. That our place was no longer on the mountain, in that big house with the view, but in the little town home with the red curtains...

The sadness lasted for a bit, then left. I don't know how to grieve it I guess. I love Hubcap, I do...but when "T" (my therapist) asked me last week if I wanted to sleep with him, the answer was a "Hell No".....it made me think....I'm holding on, and that's not fair to him either.

Sometimes though, I can't believe it's over. That we have broken up. He's been part of my life for so long. A part of my life that excluded much that was my life before him. And now I'm living in the remoteness called Montana, alone, with just him for support. I'm not in my beloved CA anymore...with my friends...I'm here, in the cold, alone for the most part, with two small kids. How do I cope with that? I guess one wave after the other...one wave of emotion after the other....I get through it.

I even feel bad sometimes about feeling bad. I'm the one that broke us up...how dare I feel bad??? It's all so complicated though. The truth is, I'm pretty happy living on my own, except when I need to change a light bulb or clean the garage.

I got excited for the first time in years tonight, planning on decorating my house for the holidays. I never did before, because I had to decorate it the way he wanted it. I got excited thinking about my new, fake tree that is under the house, that I bought on clearance last year after Christmas....and I got excited about not having to sweep up all the needles from the real one he always insisted on.

I'm missing my fireplace something fierce though. I keep trying to figure out where I could put one in this place, even a plug in electric one, and the only place is in my room.

When I start thinking hard, about where I was at this time last year, how miserable I was, how I was starting to really plan my escape, right down to paying off my student loans, re-fing the house, renting storage, getting out, it blows my mind. I'm here. I have done it..what the fuck am I doing grieving what I've lost????

Last summer was the road trip from hell...it was me crying and locking myself away constantly because I was so very unhappy, because I didn't want to sleep with him, and hating his goodnight kisses....now...I'm here. He and I are in a pretty good space, things are working out...then I go and get all sad-ass on myself.....good god....

I guess I've just come to the conclusion this is what it is....no more, no less....my feelings will come in waves of sorrow, joy, and wonderment.....my heart will lead the way for me and the kidlets....keep the peace....that's all I have to do, is keep the peace...

M

Because I Wannna.....

2009-10-05T21:50:00.002-06:00

Lookey What I Got!!

2009-10-04T12:44:00.004-06:00

A new Award from "C" over at "Midwestern Mama With A New York Heart"....

SISTERHOOD AWARD!!!

Thank you....Thank you...you made my week!!!

What, No Fall?

2009-10-04T11:27:00.002-06:00

It's cold today...brrrrrr....feels like snow and my feet are cold. I think it may be a spaghetti night at home...

I've been having such a hard time blogging lately, I think it's because I've just been flat out exhausted between the kidlets and the hell I call work. It's been pretty stressful the last few weeks...not to mention having company for basically two straight weeks (no pun intended).

So this morning, I got up again rather late, and made my way to my favorite coffee house. Not sure what the difference is between here and home except a few dollars, but whatever it makes me feel much better to get out of the house.

I slept nearly all day yesterday, I don't think I climbed out of bed until nearly 3:30pm.

I'm sitting here listening to this bimbo talk about her bikini though, so it's throwing off my sense of peace, and since I'm syncing my iPod with my new Macbook, I can't drown her out. Bikini's and "ritzy" areas are what she is talking about to some middle aged couple, like they are interviewing her to be their "2nd" wife, probably all under the guise of "church"...Ok...Mon..you are being mean, but it's so annoying, I want to take my bagel plate and throw it at her fugly blond teased hair.

Last night I watched the movie "Desert Hearts" for the first time. A new friend I met on Curves Online a few months ago, sent me a few of her favorite movies, and I fell in love with this one. Thank you J...I love loved it....it reminded me of the desert I grew up in. I know it's probably old news for most of you, but if you haven't seen it, it's worth a watch. It reminded me a lot of one of my other favorite movies, "Bagdad Cafe", both slow sultry movies with great music set in the desert. Of course I'm a sucker for any movie with music by Patsy Cline...

I've been thinking today, after an email from a good friend, about joy...where do you find it, and how do you keep it? She said there are some of us out there that find the joy in small things, like a good cup of coffee and not having dogshit on our feet. So true..you have to grab the little moments as they show up. Grasp a them and not let go. I know I find the most joy in my life from my kids.

From snuggling with Little Miss, digging my face in her blond curls and drinking in her smell. From hugging small son. He gives the best hugs, and looks at me with that look that I only get from him. I had my life, then at almost 40, I got my "real" life. I'm not sure that sounds good, but it's how I feel. I had a fairly nice life with lots of friends before 40, but it was when I had my kids, that I really learned how to love, how to give of myself and not have any expectations of getting it back...

Now I have to find a way to keep the joy, in the midst of everything else..

This place is getting crowded and busy and I like the noise, I still wish my iPod would finish syncing though...

I feel like I need to just keep writing, keep moving forward. Keep looking for peace and joy....I refuse to turn into a staid, old woman....

My joy at this moment is listening to Amy Ray....it always is actually....the Indigo Girls are the single thing that has kept me really moving through this transition...giving me the strength to move ahead.....when I start waffling, I think about my crush on Ms. Ray....keeps me running towards the rainbow.

I've posted this song before, but honestly, I can't quit listening to it. It is me right now...especially the part where she sings....

"It's been a warm winter and a cold spring, everywhere I've been has felt wrong to me.
So put your head on my heart and lay down in the crook of my arm.
Everything's okay, I've been found again, I've been found again."

This part just gets to me, over and over and over.....magic lyrics in my soul....

M

Endlessness

2009-09-29T23:09:00.003-06:00

I don't even know where to start.

I spent the evening organizing my house. I got all my papers in order and in files..which made me really happy. The house still needs to be cleaned, but all the clutter is gone and the cleaning can proceed tomorrow night.

It's supposed to snow tonight. I've got the back door open, and it's starting to get chillier by the minute, so we'll see. I went out tonight and redid the car seat/booster seats for my kids, just so I know they are in well and if I hit any ice tomorrow morning, it won't be so stressful.

Work is such a drag. I still don't know if I'm going to be written up or not, I still suspect I am. I am still so mad, I think I will file a grievance if he does do it. I'm just not feeling super generous right now. At least not with work. I really don't want to be there, most of my work is done and I'm bored out of my gourd.

It's just been a weird intense week with my mom and sister here. No fights, so that's a good thing, but I just wish sometimes I had family to help me. I'm getting better at this single parent thing, but it's still pretty tough, and I'm still dealing with a very involved daddy, so I know it's easier for me than someone completely on their own.

I can't seem to write anything, and feel completely blocked.

All I can say is I'm really looking forward to this weekend and some alone time.

Sleepless in Montana, Night Number Two....

2009-09-27T02:41:00.002-06:00

I can't sleep. I didn't sleep last night either. I did take a nap late this afternoon which I'm sure is adding to my problem.

My mom and sister are here for a very short visit. I always look forward to them coming, then when they get here, I realize why I can't be around them too much.

My sister kept telling me how they were ready to come up here when I was sick. After this visit, I find myself thinking why? Why would that be a good idea. I'm totally picking up after both of them...no one will even take a dirty dish to the kitchen. Eating all over my new sofa's...last night I had to stuff parsley in my mouth to keep from screaming about all the popcorn ball crumbs all over my couch.

My sisters way fat ass hanging out of some cut off sweat-short things...I mean if she bends over, you could see her coochie....not only is that a huge ewwwww, it's just plain inappropriate.

The worst for me is the sneery inside comments they make to each other....like they know things about me that they make fun of in private. I think they both enjoy making me feel like crap.

Last night we all went over to hubcaps for BBQ. I pulled the last of my ribeyes out of the freezer for the occasion. We had a nice dinner, campfire, etc....then today she asked me if I was really sure "her steak was a rib-eye" because it had no bone. Fuck...I mean what do you say to that???? Then she always makes the required comments about my steak because I like it about med-rare...she likes her's like a dead piece of burnt shoe leather....so what? Well...I get the comments every time I eat.

I'm faced with their constant snacking, eating, sucking their teeth...good god....am I really related to these people?

I told myself this visit, it was going to be short, and I was going to stuff it. I have. I haven't said a word, but I'm so ready for them to go home. I feel bad because they drove all this way to see me and the kids, and I already want them to leave. I guess the history I have with both of them is still there big and strong.

WORK....WORK...WORK....

I had my meeting last week with evil boss and the union representative. I'm still not officially written up. I submitted my letter of rebuttal this week, and though I think things are going to be fine, it still just messes with my head. I'm actively looking for a new job now. Crazy boss man started acting a bit normal the later part of the week, but I know he can slip back over the edge in a nano-second....but the thing I was proud of was that I didn't run away. I so badly wanted to say "fuck you" and walk. I didn't do that. I confronted him on his shit, and I won the battle. We have yet to see how the war comes out though....

Well I finally think I'm getting sleepy...so off to dreamland I go at 3:00am....

G'night peeps!

Mon

Psychotic Break...

2009-09-23T23:41:00.002-06:00

No...I didn't have a psychotic break...but it's all I can think of in terms with my boss. He has been terrorizing me all week, then all of the sudden today he comes and says he's "sorry he's been so harsh", starts yacking away at me like normal, and I know I must have been sitting there looking at him like he has two heads. It makes no sense...we will see what tomorrow holds, but I have to admit, even having one day back to normal at work felt good. I emailed him last night to tell him I wanted all of my job duties back, and he gave them to me.

It's just been fucking hard....hard...hard....vomiting in the bathroom hard.

I just kept telling myself, he is not going to beat you down...NOT. I won't let him. I'm a fighter, and he's fucking with my family.

My legs and hips are all achy tonight too....can't sleep, but so tired. I'm tired of living in pain, and it does come and go, but I get so grouchy when it comes....tonight I just want someone to take care of ME...rub my back, knee's, toes, all that jazz..

I've wanted to write for days, but have been to stressed to attempt it, and I'm not doing a good job now. Suffice it to say I'm in my room, kidlets snoring on my bed, and I think my sleeping pills are kicking in.

The only good thing this week is that I've been having lovely dreams of making intense love to someone...it changes nightly, but it's like the same soul in different bodies, which has me wondering about the past life thing again. The only person I recognized in my dream was this woman who works at the minimarket who I have had a huge huge crush on for 4 years. Very butch...very friendly, and she lives in pain...is now using a cane, but there is something about her I just really like. I'd probably talk to her if she didn't work with Hubcap....but I can't go there. That being said, I've had a huge crush on her for so long now, I'm not sure what to do with it anymore. Nothing will ever come of it, I'm sure, but I remember even before I started figuring out I was queer, going into that stinking store to buy anything I could think of if I thought she might be there. Putting on my Melissa E concert shirt under a denim shirt, looking sort of fem/butch myself...and then being too shy to even do more than look at her for a moment....

I'm certainly not a girly girl. I don't like dressing up, my favorite shoes are KEENs....I rarely wear makeup anymore, the exception is I still do my hair everyday, shave, smell like a girl, etc...like a salad dressing of butch/femm...except I don't like labels...but then I keep thinking if I make it more physically obvious...it might have a better result....god I could drive myself crazy thinking about it.

M

Coffee Dreams

2009-09-20T11:30:00.002-06:00

Last night I dreamed of a coffee house here in MT. It was hidden up in the woods, slightly out of town. It was a Lesbian coffee house/co-op place. I went there, shyly with great trepidation. I opened the rusty doors, old wooden rusty doors, and entered smelling that heady smell of strong coffee, sagey incense, and woman smells. I felt like I had come home. I sat down on a worn couch, and looked around, it was full of both women and men, all queer, all talking. I just watched, and soaked it in. It was dark, and warm. I met a woman and made love to her in the seat of a big old truck. It was such a strange odd dream. I'm not sure what it means, but I'm still feeling that dreamtime hangover I get so often with dreams such as these.

M

Saturday 9/19/09

2009-09-19T22:38:00.003-06:00

I've been thinking tonight about the fairness of life, the courage it takes to live, and the choices we make.

I've had such a rough year. We all know that. I started planning my escape last year, just about this time. I knew then I was leaving, even as I was hopeful I wouldn't have too, and hopeful I would. Such a mixed bag, breaking up your family, and hurting someone you love.

It seems as if my life went in fast forward in June and hasn't quit. I can't think about it too much or I start feeling like the wimp I know I am sometimes. I want to be one of those strong brave women that break through barriers, not the woman that sits home whining because things are happening to her. This late in life, I am starting to feel the value of choice.

For the last four years, I've been pondering going back to school. Always thinking, what's the point of finishing my teaching degree, when I don't want to teach? Would it put me further ahead financially? Will it help me??? No...the answer has been no. Every time I've thought about it...a resounding NO.

Then when my body collapsed this summer. Literally fell apart. I had to rethink. I told my lovely (I do mean lovely wonderful doctor) that I thought my body took a dump because my soul needed a break. She chuckled and said, "no" you caught a staph infection...I know I did...I also think my body caught it because my immune system was so beat up it couldn't fight anymore. That's what I think. I think I was one punch away from dying. I nearly died. I did. I had some bad shit, and it cost me dearly.

So the last month I was home, I would think...worry about going back to work. Sometimes it sucks beans to be at the top of your pay scale, because it takes away options to move around freely. I pondered going back to school. School has always been hard for me, then I realized in a moment of great Cancer clarity, that I have always chosen to study stuff that bores me to tears. Stuff I had no interest in whatsoever. In college, I was a liberal studies major, but I didn't take many classes for my major. I took Sociology classes by the boat load. I took art classes, English classes, world religion classes...but when I would get in a class for my major, I'd fall asleep. I took and dropped out of philosophy 4 times....I could never get past Jean Paul Sarte....every semester I'd start out swearing I'd get through it "this" time...I never made it past week 4. It bored me to tears.

I still remember the first time I read the Bagavad Gita...that one I couldn't put down, nor could I put down anything written by my soc professor, Dr. Samuel Oliner. I'd sit in his class, my big huge mug of earl gray tea, and be over the top fascinated by his stories, this discussions, and I took every class of his I could get into.

Why didn't I see it then? I've let myself float through life. I've let things "happen" to me, and I have not taken control of my own destiny. I've worked jobs that I found terribly boring and mindless because they paid well. I'm doing that now.

But I'm done. I will fight with this asinine boss of mine until I can get out, but I will not let him make me feel like shit, which he seems to love to do on a daily basis. You know what I did Friday? He was gone, so I didn't work. I worked on my own stuff, my applications, my resume, researching stuff re: university. He's put me, the hard worker that really does work, in the mindset of all the other state employee's...do as little as you possibly can...because if you run out of work, you are destined to sit there in a dumb fog all day while the entire day creeps by.

My life is running past me. My son is six...my baby is four. Still very young, yes, but it's flying by. It seems like yesterday I was nursing my baby boy...feeling the pull of his mouth on my nipple...gazing at him in the kind of adoration that I've only ever felt for my children. Seeing the gentle motions of him gobbling at me, and me being the only one that could satisfy that need, it was so primal. I must have thought a million times...memorize this...you'll never get this back...the way his small hands would work my engorged breasts, and I'd begin to feel that tingly let down feeling, and the final relief that would come as my breasts emptied and my babies tummy was full. I did this. My body feed him and it was one of the most precious things I've ever done. He and I had the easiest of nursing relationships..it was pure joy. It's impossible to describe...and it's gone. Now I have this amazing little boy who says things like, "actually mommy", and then goes on to tell me some complicated story. Where did my baby boy go???

My little girl is four..and she is so tall, like a blond gazelle with ringlets and startlingly blue eyes...she is beautiful. When I take her places, people constantly comment under their breath..."Look at that hair." "She is beautiful"...so many things are said, and we draw a gazing crowd when we go out. She is oblivious to it, but I am not. I think to myself that I made this wondrous creature, and did you know she started life at 2lbs 5.6 oz?? Of course I rarely say it, but I think it...

Where am I going...I'm going to choice. I'm going to choose to be happy. I'm going to choose education and running up student loans again so that I can be happy and provide for my kids in a way that doesn't make me miserable.

I'm going to prove to myself I am smart, that I have courage and that I will not be beat down. I feel my grandma's stubbornness running through my Okie veins....I feel her tenacity running through my spine....strong white trash women are the backbone of my family and I'm one of them. No pretenses here. I love nice things, but I always remember that I was born from a woman who was born in a chicken coop in Oklahoma...and is still alive at 97...

What a Week

2009-09-19T11:01:00.002-06:00

OMG....bad bad week.

Going back to work sucked more than I can say. Harder by 10 times than I imagined. My boss jumped me when I got back, before he had even said hello. He pretty much started the formal discipline procedures for too much absenteeism and work performance issues. I called the union. I had the union rep there with me during the meeting. I haven't been written up "yet", but I'm sure it's going to happen...

Not only that, he is trying to re-do a procedure (my main job) that he does not understand all the steps too. I've decided I'll do it my way, until he hands me the written formal procedures, then I will do it the way he wants...come hell or high water, if it gets fucked up..on him, but I'm sure it will be me. I've started really looking for a new job, have applied for 3 state jobs, finished my state application, and will be out of that hell hole soon. I can't do it anymore. Everything else in my life is going well, but that nastay place is overshadowing it and making life hell. I refuse to be miserable.

As far as going back to school, I've made some huge leaps and bounds this week. I found the program I want to do, and am completely busting out excited over it. I know it's the right one for me. It's a BA in digital forensics. The school I'm looking at is in Vermont, and it's an online degree, but can also be done on campus. I'm not opposed to moving if I can figure out how to do it. I've been feeling called to the east coast for a few years now, and I'm going to ponder this...what is there that is calling to me?

The other good news is, a good friend of mine showed up on my doorstep this week. I've known her now roughly 4 years, and a year ago she moved on GA. She has moved back, and I had told her a few months ago, if she did move back, she was welcome to stay with me and the kids until she can find a place. She took me up on it, and I was so happy to see her I can't even tell you. She is very straight, very religious (but not pushy at all) and she adores my kids. She helped me so much with them before she left, and truly just loves them. She and I went over to hubcaps last night and he cooked us a nice dinner, gave us wine coolers and we hung out with him and the kids at his fire pit. Was one of the nicest evenings I've had in a long time. Hubcap and my friend have always gotten along really well, so he was totally interested in hearing her stories of the last year, and it just felt like a huge connection.

It also felt like one of my true support people popped back into my life when I needed it most. It also feels like I can really be of some support for her, and I'm so happy to be able to be a place for her to land when she needs it. I put her in one of the kids rooms, and I know the kids will adore having her around for a bit.

Sadly last week, my beloved Macbook screen died. I really was beat up and sad. I made an executive decision an decided to order a new (refurbed) Macbook Pro, which I am loving loving loving. I'm going to have the old one repaired I think though, and then try to sell it. It is not even two years old, and I'm pretty sure repaired I can get a good price for it.

That's it folks, I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend of friendship and fun...

M

Dear Daddy

2009-09-13T18:11:00.003-06:00

How could I have made it all day and have not realized until tonight, that it was six years ago today, that I lost you?

I miss you every day. I think about you every day. I say good-morning to your picture on my fridge....I also say goodnight to your picture every night.

I miss you when I talk to the kids, and think how much they would love you, and how much you would have loved them...

Where ever you are...I'll love you forever....

Me

2009-09-13T07:51:00.002-06:00

Sunday morning, and Hubcap and I are taking the 4-wheelers out for a very long ride with the kids this AM. I really am looking forward to it. This week my beloved Macbook died, or I should say the screen died. I think the kids kicked it when I stupidly left it open on the bed while giving them their baths..

So I bought a refurbed Macbook Pro, and had it Fed Exed to my house. I really like the new one though there are some things that are very different. I still need to get the old one repaired, I'm going to send it back to Apple and have it fixed, then clear it out and try to sell it to offset the cost of the new one. I do like this one much better because it's got the metal body and is smaller, and a bigger hard drive, same RAM. So there you go.

Have to go back to work tomorrow, and am completely dreading it. Feeling almost sick about it. I've been rethinking school, and am now leaning toward online stuff, even with the expense, because going "back" to school with a campus means so so many changes to my life and my kids, will have to work part time (so I'm not really saving any money here), will have to work nights (time away from the kids), and honestly, it will just be much easier if I do it from home I think.

The more I think of the pro's and con's...the more I think it's probably the better route for me. Jobs are hard to get right now, and I'm not super anxious to have to worry about working part time because I need the health benefits for the kids. This means I can still move around if I need too, but I won't have to change my schedule per say...

I'll post some pictures of the ride tonight...

M

Let's Not Forget

2009-09-11T08:19:00.000-06:00

The Weekend of Untruth..

2009-09-07T10:50:00.008-06:00

I drove up Friday to see my cousin in Northwest Montana. I had fully intended on telling her everything, as all her life save the last 7 years, she was an "out" lesbian. She married a man, had two kids and has now left him, and she is starting over just like me. When I got there, we went out to dinner, and I asked her about her Facebook profile that said she was "catholic". I got an earful I'll tell you. She has gone all religious on me, and though I probably still could have told her, I just didn't feel it was the right time for me. So I didn't tell her.

We talked of being newly single parents, etc...we did have a very good time, but I was feeling a little let down about not telling her.

We went to Glacier National Park...so so fun. We did end up taking the "Redbus Jammer" tour, and it was awesome. Totally the way to go do the "Going to the sun road". We saw a bear, had beautiful weather, and it's hard to believe that I've never been there, since I live here in Montana...but wow.... Here are a few photo's.

Matt Our Driver

My Cousin and I in front of our Red Bus

Logan Pass, near the Continental Divide

Red Bus's Lined up for a break

Lake Saint Mary's

Lake McDonald Lodge

I've decided I am not allowed to go anywhere in Montana that I don't know my way by heart without the GPS. The drive home yesterday was interesting. First off, I nearly nailed two different deer going aproximately 80 mph on a two lane mountain road. Next, on the same road, I saw something running at me, I was still going pretty fast, but was able to slow down. When I reached the beast, I realized it was a billy goat trotting down the middle of the road, with a huge smile on his face. My stupid camera was in the back of the truck or I would have snapped a pic, and I'm sure he would have obliged me, as he seemed a very happy goat.

I stopped in the little town of Seeley Lake and bought myself a cup of really yummy coffee, and prowled around the best little gift/tourist store. I could have hung out in there all day. Once I got back on the road I passed a few more lovely little lakes and came to a junction called "Clearwater Junction". Because I'm a know it all and was sure I knew the way home, I needed to make a right on this road, which I did. I drove happily, enjoying the scenery, singing with the sun roof open, and after about an hour, I came to the highway....but here is the thing, it was the wrong highway. I had driven all that way in the WRONG direction....good god. I was everybit as far from home as when I started out.

I then had to call hubcap (who by the way had just got home and was expecting me very soon) and tell him I was in Missoula, not close to our home. He gave me some expasparated moaning but no more than I was giving myself. So I turned my truck down the correct way and drove home. Two hours later, I reached it, but I was so done with myself by then, I nearly snarffed at everyone that even looked at me. I stopped by Hubcaps and retrieved my kids, and said I was sorry, at that point he was laughing at me. That's the second time in as many years as I've done the same thing and added 100+ miles to my trip...

M

May It Be

2009-09-03T02:19:00.002-06:00

A new blog friend of mine, Making Space, who I feel super close to, sent me this video tonight because she knew I was feeling so down about things. I looked up the lyrics, and they are beautiful, too beautiful to not share it with you dear readers...

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be as darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh, how far you are from home

Morni? ut?li? (Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Morni? alanti? (Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Morni? ut?li? (Darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Morni? alanti? (Darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now

Hubby Hubby

2009-09-03T00:58:00.001-06:00

Go Ben and Jerry's...and go Vermont!

The List Keeper

2009-09-03T00:09:00.002-06:00

I did a huge thing today, at least huge for me.

I called "The List Keeper". The woman here in town who is the keeper of the list in regards to all things lesbian. I've known who she was for months, my therapist has told me to get in touch with her. I've been too scared. Today I sucked it up and called her. Guess what she said when I told her I was just "coming out"? She said, "CONGRATULATIONS"!!!!!!

I'm not sure I've ever been as happy hearing those words. She was so so nice to me, told me about different events and said she would be putting me on the email list for upcoming events, etc...

She said if I was uncomfortable going alone, she would find someone to go with me..

Huge I tell you, is this the first step in forming a community for myself???

I'm excited...

On the health front, I'm still feeling very very tired, I didn't realize just how tired until I tried to do some small activities this week. I went shopping....wow....I didn't even have the kids and it wiped me out. But my leg is so much better, the pain is nearly gone though it's still a funky looking dark purple color on my calf.

I'm still having a hard time eating. Nothing but veggies and fruit sound good. Coffee is not good and I'm a coffeehead.... Meat is not sitting with me at all. I'm going to turn into an edamame bean before long, it's a good thing they are full of protein. I've also been craving avocados and grapefruit juice...weirdness...

So I'm just going with it, and figuring my body is telling me what it needs right now. It's rejecting the foods it doesn't need, and asking for the ones it does.

My babies told me tonight they wanted to come home, it about broke my heart. I miss them so. It's getting bad, and it's one reason I'm going away this weekend so I can take my mind off of them. Their dad hasn't been super wonderful about calling me until late which I'm not digging, I'd really like to talk to them twice a day, but I'm holding off at one.

My emotions have been getting the better of me this week, probably because I have nothing to focus on except my self.

I've also been watching Dexter at a rapid rate....I'm sucked in, and I'm only on Season 1, show 4.

M

Going To The Sun Road

2009-09-02T20:16:00.001-06:00

Lookey where I'm going this weekend!!!! Yes folks, going to Glacier...be jealous..very very jealous!!!! I'm going to visit my cousin this weekend, and we are going to do this on Saturday!!! I'm so excited! We are going to go on the "Red Bus"....

Honest Scrap Award

2009-09-02T12:48:00.003-06:00

Camlin at Camlin's Crooked Line gave me this award, and I've been too out of it to notice, my apologies. I guess getting sick does that to you, so I'm giving myself a break just this once. I so appreciate the fact she thought of me when giving it out. She and I have been online blog friends for quite some time now, and have walked similar paths...I consider her a good friend.

Anyway, from what I can make out, I need to put ten random facts about myself down, so here goes.

1. I love to play guitar hero, does anyone want to play with me online?
2. I still have a massive crush on Amy Ray, and probably always will.
3. In real life, I'm pretty freaking shy until you get to know me.
4. My favorite color is red..fire engine red.
5. I'm scared of money.
6. I love to write.
7. Don't ask me to help you move, I probably won't be of much help, and will whine the whole time about it...
8. I really dislike hot weather.
9. I'm a super emotional Cancarian and it gets me in trouble more than I care to admit.
10. I miss my daddy everyday.

So on to giving this award out. I think it's pretty well been around the circuit, but I'll give it a shot.

Nina...will always be the first one I give any award too....just because she is fabulicious....

Boychick...because she has been my friend, and never ceases to amaze me with her wisdom and knowledge, and her straightforward honest comments.

EarthMuffin...because she's cool like that...

C...because she reads my little blog and always leaves such nice comments!

There are a bunch of other's that I'd love to give it to, but you already have it!!!

Thanks Camlin....

M

My Own Private Idaho...

2009-09-01T17:44:00.000-06:00

Just because I love this song and I'm feeling it tonight...

2009-09-01T00:25:00.002-06:00

I'm sitting on my couch, after midnight because I took a long long nap this afternoon. Enjoying a small libation, and feeling mellow. The TV is completely off, I can hear the clock ticking and the trains blowing their whistles...I love that sound.

I'm missing them tonight...the kidlets and even Hubcap. They feel so far away, as they are. I'm trying not to dwell on it. I'm doing what I feel like doing, as soon that will be gone and I will miss it as well.

I'm just lonely. I really am. Very lonely. I have to stir myself enough to get out of my house and meet some women. I just don't know where to go here in town. I think I will discuss this in therapy tomorrow. I don't know how to put myself out there. I wish I had a large group of friends like I did in California, but I don't. Without Hubcap and the kids, I'm on my own pretty much and I don't like it.

It's just a lonely sounding night between the train whistles and the wind chimes. It feels so nice though at the same time. Every night sound is magnified for me right now. The hum of the wind is telling it's tale.

How will I ever work up the nerve to get myself out there again. I'm not sure anyone will really ever want to be with me again. I'm too heavy, I have kids, I live in the middle of nowhere etc...

All I know is I'm ready to run, even if it's just a sprint. I want to feel the touch of someone besides my kidlets....I want to feel connected to this world in a way I don't know and haven't in a long time. I want to feel like I can see inside of someone. I want to let my Cancer nature come out and spoil some special woman silly, cook her breakfast casseroles, rub her back, and make love until she's done, then draw her a bath and wash her down, making her feel as special as I know she is....why can't I find her? Maybe she is across the world, across the country??? Maybe this is the wrong life for it. I just know that somewhere, my lady is waiting for me to love her.

Sadly..

2009-08-31T11:18:00.001-06:00

Cali's been adopted (happy for her), and I found out from my property manger I can have a dog, but under twenty lbs....so I guess I get to have a rat dog??? (sorry for any of you rat dog lovers...lol), I just happen to love bigger dogs.

Ewwwwwww

2009-08-31T09:20:00.003-06:00

Who puts this on their belly???

I guess this is supposed to make him attractive to all the ladies!!

Um...Dude.....NOT!

Sunday Times

2009-08-30T10:23:00.004-06:00

I spent last night with my new neighbors. A & B. They have been super friendly, and nice and I really do like them a lot. I can talk to them forever. They have three beautiful little girls, and have moved recently from Texas. The only thing that gets me is they keep tossing in little racist bits that I'm not sure are really racist, or if it's just "Texas talk".....

So here's the deal. They moved from Texas to Montana because it was getting "too crowded" where they were living and they wanted something better for their girls. OK...I sit and think about it, and it sounds wrong. But then I realize I did the exact same thing five years ago, and I'm not the least bit racist. It wasn't a question of race for me, but simple crowdedness and wanting more open space, so does that make me racist???

They are both teachers with masters degrees. They talk of their jobs in Texas and how much they love teaching and how hard it is to have to be a teachers aid here because they missed the deadlines for applying. They both speak Spanish. They talk of the lovely "tamale moms" at their old school. Hispanic mom's who made tamales for sale for all the teachers at the school, and they got to buy wonderful homemade tamales, and the "Tamale Mom" made much needed extra money. A win-win situation in the best of ways.

This woman helped me so much when I was sick I can't even begin to describe it. She brought me a care package to the hospital, she watched my kids, she let out step-dog while I couldn't. She is just plain nice. Her husband, I actually like him. I get no "creepy" vibe from him at all, simple friendliness. They are strict parents, but do a lot of the discipline by a token system and their kids are very well behaved, not brats, and very nice kids.

But, she invited me to "church" with them last night. I politely told her I wasn't "into" church. She took it well and dropped it. Not bible thumper's I can tell, I think she just does it for the community actually...which would be good, if I could stand that community.

I think I'm trying to make my peace with finding support where I can, and not being as judgmental as I know I can be. I want to party, I want to have a party, but I know no one here that I want to have a party with....so I'm going to just hang out.

I also found a pooch on "petfinders.com" about a month ago, I keep going back to see if she is gone, but she's not. She is a grown American bulldog. It says she is completely housebroke, gentle, great with kids and other dogs, is a cuddle bug, and wants a forever home. Is that why I keep going back and looking at her? She has such a happy friendly face. I have researched dogs, and the American bulldog is one I've come up with as a possible match for our family...I emailed the shelter about her today. She is in a town about 70 miles from here, but this week I actually have time to go look at her...I wonder.....I just know there is something about her sweet happy face that makes me smile.

Here is a short blurb from the shelter.
"Cool as a cucumber Cali is what we call this extraordinary dog. She is laid-back and goes with the flow. Cali has an openness with her heart and trust. She holds no prejudice towards people, even though she has been through a lot in her life. Cali is very house-broke, she loves kids and all adults and she likes to hang-out with other dogs. Cali is an absolute loving dog, she loves to snuggle and be with her person. She is looking for a place to call her forever home. Cali wants to be the best dog you have ever had. I swear to you, I know she will be."

I took a new photo of myself on my webcam yesterday. It struck me that I actually look happy...I haven't looked happy for a long time. I don't want to put my photo on my profile because I don't want people stumbling on it, but I am going to put it here just this once, because it will eventually get buried in my blog....

I woke up with a migraine this morning. I got up, took some Tylenol and tried like heck to get it to go away. It wouldn't. I finally realized my head was making me get up, so I did, went down and made my first pot of coffee in nearly three weeks and had some, and it was yummy. I think the meds were making everything taste terrible...the only thing I've been able to stand to drink for weeks is juice and water. I haven't even been able to do soda much. Today the coffee tasted good.

So I'm going to clean today. I know it will be an enjoyable thing for me. I'm going to hang my last picture that is sitting in the box it was mailed to me in a month ago, and I'm going to hang all my clocks....then I'm going to cook myself a nice dinner, steak, backed tater with sour cream and chives, and watermelon for desert, and then...I'm going to watch "The Hunger", which a new friend recommended to me as one of her favorite moves. I bought it on Amazon and I'm going to watch it tonight.

M

I'm Molting.....

2009-08-30T00:03:00.002-06:00

I'm molting, or at least my leg is. The hives have started to go away finally, and I'm incredibly thankful for that, as well as being able to shave my legs and get that itchy hair off. But I'm peeling on my left leg, I mean REALLY peeling. I'm shedding. Dead skin everywhere, I keep vacuuming it up, and then there is more. Maybe I should take the Dyson to my leg and hope I can vacuum it off.

I didn't sleep in today. You would think with out the kidlets here, I'd have slept until noon, but that was a no go. I was up at 7:30. I watched the true-crime channel most of the day, then went to the Real Food store and bought all the stuff I love that no one else does. I took a wonderful shower and used my new Lush Karma shampoo bar....which is now scenting up my bathroom in a rather pleasant way.

I miss the kids, but I'm determined to not be depressed, and to enjoy this time without them. I talked to them tonight and they are having fun with daddy.

It's funny, it's a smell day for me. Smells everywhere, now I'm lying on my bed, window open, smelling the rain outside, smelling the yummy shampoo bar from my bathroom, and smelling the vanilla massage bar I rubbed all over my much neglected skin.

It just feels good and I think I'm going to go to sleep soon.

M

10 For 10

2009-08-28T23:08:00.003-06:00

Yes folks, my kidlets are leaving in the morning with their dad to go to California, and I'm on my own for 10 days. To keep my mind off of them being gone, and try to enjoy my "off" time, I've made a list of things I can do that I can't normally do with them here. So with no further adieu .....

Ten things I can do with no kids and no work for the TEN days they are gone.

1. Sleep naked
2. Go to the bathroom without someone banging on the door.
3. Have a Greek Salad anytime I want
4. Not watch the Noggin Channel for TEN days
5. Go to a movie alone
6. Keep the house clean for 10 days with no work
7. Road trip anyone?
8. Have coffee at my place everyday and write
9. Sleep in as late as I want
10. Use up all my new bath bombs from Lush...

Anyone have any other suggestions????

It's All About Love....

2009-08-25T11:10:00.000-06:00

I've Loved You Before...

2009-08-25T10:59:00.001-06:00

Just because a dear friend of mine needs to hear this right now.....

Tuesday

2009-08-24T17:07:00.004-06:00

I slept for 5 hours yesterday. I nearly passed out on my couch when I got back from taking the kids to school, and slept hard. When I woke up, it was nearly 3:PM, is the universe trying to tell me something? Anyway, I went ahead and had an energy drink so that I would wake up, so that I might possibly go to bed last night. I need to sleep, my body can't handle not sleeping right now.

Little by little I'm getting my house cleaned up again. I still need to get my room cleaned up, and the dresser the movers broke down the stairs. I have a whole box of new beautiful bedding awaiting me when I have the energy to get it together, but at least I got the faux suede chocolate brown black out curtains on my window, and let me tell you, they are beautiful!

I'm toying with new bedding.

The thing on my mind though is I have a horrid rash all over now. I've got two calls into the DR...because I'm not sure if it's from my meds or what, and I don't want to take it if is, but at the same time, I don't want to NOT take it either.

Off to the store, then hopefully to the doctor's....

M

3:00 AM

2009-08-24T03:00:00.003-06:00

I can't sleep. It's 3:AM and I still haven't been able to go to sleep. I went to bed, and just couldn't go to sleep. I tried watching TV...I tried turning off the TV....I tossed and turned, and so finally I gave in and got up. Then I got this weird craving for salad, so I made myself a salad with vinaigrette dressing. I looked up "craving vinegar on Google, and found it is a symptom of being low in potassium.

Go figure, I was completely depleted in the hospital, they were giving me 8 horse pills a day, and IV supplements of it, so I'm sure that is what that craving is for. I'm not going to sweat it. The only real thing on my agenda tomorrow is to take the kids to school and go to lunch with my friend.

I can sleep it off tomorrow afternoon. I just don't want to go into a night owl cycle, but I'm afraid it's inevitable. I take a pill for sleep, and I took that tonight and a Valium, and still couldn't sleep, and I'm not willing to take anymore. My mind doesn't want to go to bed.

My nerves are raw, I feel on edge, and I'm not sure why. I mean, other than the obvious reasons. I think I feel scared. Sometimes I feel like I'm faking my real life. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Tonight I was watching "House Hunters" and I got this strange ghost memory of this one house my mom and dad bought when I was eight. It was an amazing old house, and I still dream of it often. I just remembered crawling through the bamboo in the yard, climbing the tree's, and how big my bedroom was.

I remember the living room, and the bay window it had, and how much I really loved that house. It had a weird breakfast nook, and this "candy striped" shag carpet in the dining room that my mom picked out because it "wouldn't show the stains". I remember boiling eggs and letting the explode on accident in the kitchen because I had forgotten about them, and didn't know they would explode. I remember the tiny little bathroom off the laundry room, and the very cool old bathroom with attached dressing room. It was all so clear, almost like I could smell it.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, except that it was a nice comforting memory.

I really do feel scared. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for the kids. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for myself, all I know is I feel myself dying in my job, in a very literal way. I could have easily died this week, I was that sick. Last Saturday night, when I was lying in my bed, immobile I was really scared that was what was going to happen. I remember calling Hubcap and telling him I really was scared, I couldn't move and I was having chest pains. I kept telling me to relax, and to call him if I needed him. All the while I kept thinking, I did call you dumbass......

As hard as the last two years have been, there was a certain security in not being alone. This feels harder. It feels good, but this week it has felt so much harder. It brought home the fact that I am alone, that I have to do things on my own. Hubcap has been super helpful, but it's not the same thing. I keep telling myself this is of my own making, it really is. It's learning to live with the decisions an the ramifications of those decisions.

G'Night,

M

Late in Life....

2009-08-23T09:58:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting on my couch this morning, with Little Miss all cuddled up to me watching "Ni Hao Kai Lan", and thinking that much of my life really is starting mid-life. I had my first child when I was 38, 2nd at 41. I moved to a new state for the first time when I was 41. I discovered I was lesbian at 43, and finally got on with the business of getting my life straight (no pun intended) then. I'm still not done. At 45, I have the first home that really feels like "home" to me in my entire life. I've never had a nice place to live, where it was just me calling the shots....and paying the bills....

Regardless, fixing it up with my taste, buying my kids a computer and not feeling guilty about it, and so on...it's so new for me. Life has always been such a struggle for me, but more of an outer struggle. I don't think I'd choose to go back to a younger age, even if I could at this point. I feel like "me".

I just have to learn to deal with my work life right now, that is my single biggest challenge. I will get there, and I'm not too terribly worried about it since I decided I'm going back to school. Maybe I should be more worried, but I believe the universe will take care of us. I believe I got sick for some other reason, if not just to have some time to sit and contemplate the skies and flowers, and rain for a bit. If you don't take a break when you need it, your body will make you take a break. That's one lesson that's always been true for me. This time my body did it in a big way, which means there are big changes to come. I need to gather my strength and find my strength..and pray my house sells quickly. When it sells, I will have a lot more freedom to do what I need to do.

I'm going to begin the application process for the Tech school here in town for spring. I'm also going to start looking for a new job that will allow me to work, and go to school.

That's all for now....

M

OK..So Now I'm A'skeered....

2009-08-22T22:24:00.003-06:00

I've been on such strong ABX this week, that I'm living in fear of getting a more than nastay yeast infection...so I ordered THIS tonight on the recommendation of a friend. I even did the two-day shipping so it would get here faster...

Thoughts?

A Little Evening Sunshine

2009-08-22T21:26:00.002-06:00

God how I love this woman....it doesn't get any better than Joan Osborne...

Long Long Weekend.....Part 2

2009-08-22T14:38:00.002-06:00

I just realized this isn't long weekend part two, but Weekend Two....

Folks, it's been a fucking long week.

On Saturday (last Saturday) the kids whined and wanted to go outside instead of napping, but I couldn't take them down. Finally sometime after this, I called Hubcap and asked him to help me. He kept saying, "what do you want me to do about it"? Over and over, and I kept hanging up on him after telling him I was so sick, I couldn't feed the kids, and I couldn't deal with him. He then reminded me I was sick last week (like I was only allowed it once) and that I was "making him feel guilty". I hung up again, the next few times he called, I just didn't answer the phone.

Finally about 30 minutes later, he called back and said, "get the kids ready, I'm taking them tonight" I told him I'd "try" to get them ready, but by the time he got here, I had managed nothing, so he did it all. I showed him the rash that had begun to form on my leg and he said, that looks "bad" and left me alone and took the kids. I then went back upstairs with water, the phone and my laptop and laid down on the bed. At this point, I still had a fever of 104, and realized I was so out of it, I couldn't even get myself the water bottle lying on the other side of the bed with me. The TV was on HSN and the remote was next to me, and I didn't have the energy to change it. About then, I puked all the water I had drunk when I went to the bathroom and went into dry heaves. I couldn't drink anymore water, or I'd throw up, so I crawled back in bed after barely wiping it all up with toilet paper and went to sleep....the fever crept back up and I didn't move for hours. I was pretty scared but didn't really know what to do since I couldn't move.

Finally on Sunday morning the fever broke and I started feeling better. So I started nibbling otter pops one at a time, and sipping luke warm water, and it all stayed down. I had horrid diarrhea all weekend ( I know TMI) and the fluids started it up again, but I kept on going. By the time Prince Charming brought the kids back to me, I was feeling a bit better and put a frozen lasagna in the oven since it was all I had to cook for them for lunch. We all ate a little and I started feeling quite a bit better, so I bundled them all up and took them to Walmart because I was afraid if I didn't I'd be sorry. I am really glad I did even though it probably wasn't the best thing to do.

I went to work on Monday Morning, got my work done and clock watched the rest of the day, and then went to Urgent Care as soon as I got off work. They took one look at me and sent me to ER. They had to stick me 5 times before they got the IV in, and took so much blood I can't even count. The nurses in the ER are still as bumbling as they were when I took Little Miss in when she was 18 months. I pretty much broke down in tears when the ultrasound guy came to do the US on my leg to check for clots. He was very sweet, but because the infection was so deep and I was in so much pain, it hurt so bad I was sobbing. I think being alone made me sob, being in trouble at work for missing work, knowing I'd be missing a boat load again made me sob, and it made me sob because Hubcap had been such an ass.

That is where the Doc told me I had Cellulitus and that they were going to admit me. I asked him for how long, and he said, at least 3 days....That's when I called Hubcap to tell him. I think he realized at that point what an ass he'd been and how sick I really was. I haven't forgiven him at all, but he did earn some brownie points by stepping it up the rest of the week and keeping the kids.

It was just a bad week. Tuesday and most of Wednesday sucked, I was in so much pain they were giving me 4 Oxycontin pills every 3 hours. Finally Wednesday afternoon the pain started to abate and they started me on Aleve.

The actual hospital stay was in the new wing, and the room was super nice. With the door shut, it was very quiet. The bed was super comfortable and there was a big flat-screen TV. Even the food was good, once I was eating. I think I went for nearly five or six days with hardly any food, and I'm sure I've gained weight as my left leg is nearly twice the size of my right. There is still an angry red rash with blisters covering my entire calf, and a rash that is less red, but still painful going up to my groin.

I'm going to be off work until after the 1st on FLMA. I'm relieved to have a break. Hubcap is taking the kids to CA on the 29th, so even the next ten days I will have a break as well because I'll be able to come home and just deal with myself.

I thought I was doing pretty well over the divorce/move/getting the house ready, but my body just told me otherwise this week.

I managed to clean my house today, which felt good because it was a mess, but on the other hand my leg swelled right back up, so I’m not sure how much progress I really made.

So there you go. Thanks for the well wishes and keep them coming, even though I'm home, this is far from over.

M

Long Long Weekend.....Part 1

2009-08-17T06:32:00.003-06:00

Part 1, I know I won't be able to finish this before I have to get ready for work...

I think I mentioned that I'm in trouble at work for taking off "too much leave without pay" in the last month. I admit it, I have, but I've needed every minute of it, and more. Anyway, on Friday AM, I started getting that awful body achy feeling you get that pretty much says, you are getting the flu.

About 4pm, I emailed Hubcap, and asked him if he could either keep the kids all night or at least keep them for a few hours so I could go home and sleep, as I was feeling so bad. He finally agreed with a guilt trip on me, to keep them until 7:00PM....better than nothing I thought.

So I finally got home, I was freezing...so I climbed in my ginormous tub and took a hot bath and then climbed in bed...that was it. I was officially sick. When he brought the kidlets home some 2 hours later, I was still on the bed. I had a fever going on 104 something and literally couldn't move. My left leg was hurting so bad, and I was developing a rash on my leg where it was aching so bad. He let himself in with his key, came up, basically kicked me in the leg and said "get up and deal with your kids".

OMG...I couldn't move. I couldn't even lift my head. Thank god he fed the kids. I let them just take off their clothes except for underwear and climb in bed with me and watch TV. Small son would go downstairs and needed and get me a glass of water. The thought of any food completely turned my stomach.

Fast forward to middle of the night Friday night. Small Son kept waking up, feeling my forehead and saying "mommy, you are so hot". I said I know baby...go back to sleep.

On Saturday AM, I woke up, completely soaked from sweat. The kids were bouncing off the walls, and since Hubcap had been such an ass, I didn't want to call him, so I sent Little Miss downstairs and she got herself and her brother "gogurts" and they ate them in my bed and watched TV. This went on and on most of the morning. Small son was able to let Step-Dog out of the house to pee, and could climb up and get cereal bars and milk boxes out of the cupboard. Finally though, they were so bouncing I had to get up.

I got up, dragged my ass downstairs and covered up on the couch while the kids played Wii and watched TV. This lasted about 2 hours and I just couldn't do it anymore, so I left the back door open for Step-Dog and we went back upstairs to take a nap. Small son kept bringing me water, but it was getting harder and harder to drink it. I developed a horrid rash on my left leg where it had been hurting so bad.

to be continued....

Breaking Down The Walls

2009-08-09T21:39:00.004-06:00

I have to write this quickly before I chicken out of writing it at all.

I think I just mentally broke through a huge wall. I just chose life. "CHOOSE LIFE", do you all remember that shirt that was so popular in the 80's...that George Michael used to wear?

I decided while eating a bowl of ice cream and listening to my kids cry because they don't want to go to bed, that I refuse to work and live in a way that makes me miserable. I'm done with it, tired of it.

I just decided that I am going to go back to school. This time for something that matters to me, that means something to me, and that will hold me. I want to learn graphic design and web-design. It sounds crazy to me, because I've been bent on working for the state, and making my way that way, but it just came to me, if I live my life like this I will die an early death of boredom and misery.

I'm sick of this town. I'm sick of my job, and I'm sick of worrying about it. I'm going to use the money I get when I sell the house to jump...take a leap of faith and jump the direction I should have jumped 100 years ago.

I will not be scared anymore. I will not be held hostage to a miserable man's moods. I want to learn how to do something that will thrill me, and I am going to get there.

I'm naturally very good at computer stuff. I love it. I spend all my time on it. Why not make my living doing this? Maybe I won't be as secure, but I don't feel secure now. I feel trapped, hated and miserable. I am going to get myself out of this fucking hellish mental mess if it kills me.

I'm going to see what is offered here, if not here, somewhere else. I've decided I will not, Hubcap or no Hubcap live my life in a place I hate....

I am not going to be held hostage to him wanting to live here, and me hating it.

It's funny, this time last year, I was planning my escape.....

Now I feel like I'm planning my second escape...my real escape.....

As much as I do like it here, and think it's a good place to raise kids, I know that I need to be more urban to be happy. I'm going to take my time, learn how to make a good living, and put my creative juices to work for me....

I'm going to investigate where I want to live, and then I'm going to live there. If it means letting go of everything I own to get there, I'm going to do it. This is all of the sudden giving my a feeling of hope I haven't felt in so very long.

I've always done the things I thought I was supposed to do. I've always been trapped by either indecision or bad decisions...this feels right.

I don't want to move back to CA....but somewhere, more urban, more middle, not so far away from everything.

Maybe it's time to explore the east coast. I have a zillion wonderful friends there...maybe I need to finish out my life on that side of the country, somewhere.

I guess...step one is making the decision huh?

If I choose to live authentically, and go with my true nature, happiness is sure to follow...this is my thinking. I am not going to do anything anymore that dampens and denigrates my spirit. I will be strong, I will follow my dreams....I can still do this, I am NOT too old.

The other thing, I want to live in a place where not only can I be out, easily, but I can be by the sea. I'm tired of missing the sea. The mountains are OK...but I'm a sea creature..I need the water, I need to hear the fog horns and feel the mist. I need to smell the salt air, and see the blue sky...

Ask anyone that has known me and they will tell you this is so.

I'm sailing back to the sea....

M

Thinking, Always Thinking.....

2009-08-08T22:23:00.002-06:00

Not even sure where to start, today has been a good day.

It amazes me that I get along with Hubcap so much better now that we are not living in the same place. I spent all day (well maybe not ALL day, but it felt like it) up at the house, working. We are almost done. I can see the end. Came home, took a nap, and then he and the kids came over for dinner. It was nice, we just hung out. Kids played, we BBQ'ed hotdogs, I made a salad and cut up a very sweet watermelon.

Then they went home, and here I sit. In MY living room, with candles, with wine, with music I like, and I'm so freaking relaxed.

I am going to have to work on this part of my life. The relaxing part. The doing what feels good to me part. I'm tired of my shit-ass job defining who I am. I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'm going to do it, and come home. I'm going to put up a mental deflection shield from all the negative energy around there. They cannot get me. I've always had my game on at work, and now is no different even if I have a booger for a boss who is so bound and determined to screw with me. It's work, if I make it so it doesn't matter to me, then I can let it go when I come home at night.

I needed a few days off, and my body told me that by getting sick. It always tells me that by getting sick. My mind won't take a day off when I need it, so my body takes a dump...

So, I welcome what is to come. It became crystal clear to me today for some reason that it is all choice on my part. I can choose to be miserable, or I can choose not to be.

I so needed to be on my own. I so needed to live in a place that was mine. I needed to clear my head, and control my own life. I don't know what's out there, who's out there, and what is waiting for me, but I do know I have a choice in all of this.

So, I'm thinking, moving out and moving on....was a good thing...

M

Dear Ear Infection Guy.

2009-08-08T10:16:00.002-06:00

Just one more reason I'm not digging straight men these days.....

Dear Ear Infection Guy,

I was first. Do you hear me? I was first, not only that, I had an appointment and you DID not. So why when I stepped up to be helped at the clinic did you step up with me. You stood, with your arms on the counter, breathing heavy, snorting as if you had been wronged. I had to stand over from the counter because you didn't move. We were the only two in the waiting room, you would have been helped right after me anyway.

I had to change my address, you heard it all, you saw my debit card, and I kept waiting for the girl behind the counter to tell you to please "step back" but she didn't, and I felt like crap so I didn't.

I wonder, are you always quite this offensive? There was a big huge sign that said "Due to HIIPA please stand behind the yellow line until you are called to the counter"...

I have to assume either you can't read, or you do not care...

I hope someone cuts in front of you at Walmart...would serve your sorry ass right...

Sincerely,

Pissed Off

Dazed and Confused

2009-08-07T13:07:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling a bit disoriented today. Today is Day number two of calling in at work because my kid is sick, and because today, Me, Myself and I, feel like I'm catching it (it being strep). So anyway, I kept Small Son home today again, and because the kids are going to be with Daddy all weekend, I elected to keep Little Miss home with us as well. I didn't want to go out, and she didn't want to go, so she is here.

I laid down with the kids for a nap, Little Miss was in her room watching a Barbie Princess Movie, and Small Son cuddled down with me in my bed and we watched "The Incredibles", which is one of my favorite kids movies....well we all fell asleep, especially me. When I woke up, I was sure it was 3 or 4 PM...and I had to check 4 different clocks before I believed it was only12:30, lunch time. WTF??? How did I lose track of time so badly, and how did I not know it was so early when we laid down?

We woke up, and the kids wanted canned ravioli's for lunch, which I happily gave them because it meant less work for sick butt.

Yesterday was the formal hearing at the courthouse for the Legal Separation from Hubcap. It made me incredibly sad, and I wasn't expecting it. I was glad I was only going home afterward, and not back to work because I cried the entire way home. It's the right thing to do, but to say I'm sad over it is a major understatement.

Here's the other thing, I'm so stressed about missing work, I feel sick. I know in my heart of hearts, I needed to stay home for Small Son, and for me. I feel the stress of everything finally really catching me. But I have felt nearly panic stricken most of the time for the last few days.

I feel as if I'm going crazy, losing my mind, have no emotional support here except from one friend and Hubcap, and work is throwing me for a loop. The one time in my life I need to have an easy time of it there, is the one time I'm having the roughest job. I am nearly ready to explore my FMLA options as far as taking unpaid time off. I need a few weeks to just be. I need a few weeks where I don't feel like I'm going to vomit every time I go near work, or for that matter even think about work. I need a few weeks to really work on getting my resume redone so I can get out of there.

The one thing that does make me happy now is being home in my new home. I am sitting here listening to my kids play on the computer I bought them (an iMac) and they are having a blast. If by the way you need a new computer, I HIGHLY recommend an iMac. The thing was out of the box, and surfing the net in 5 minutes...and I bought a refurbished on, so it cut the price down a ton. But I'm digressing.

I feel like I've finally got my shit almost together, and work is falling apart. I'm trying so hard to focus on doing the right thing for my family, and trusting that the rest will fall into place. I have to right now. I'm not sure how work is going to turn out ultimately. I am getting a Doctors note for yesterday from the pede, and I'm going in myself in the morning and get one for today, just to cover myself.

I have kids crawling over me, so I'm going to stop here...

M

Dreams again

2009-08-02T09:57:00.002-06:00

Last night, I had a dream about my parents. My dad has passed away, and my mom still lives in CA with my sister.

So in this dream, I remember I was in this awful little rental car, with my dad. We were trying to get to my mom who was quite some distance away at a bus station, waiting to be picked up. We kept trying to pack this little car full of all this stuff, then we were worried she wouldn't fit in the car. Right along with this, I met a girl I knew in school at the bus stop, she asked me if I had kids, and I said yes..she said she didn't have any. I went back to my dad, and he was taking all of this stuff out of a laundry truck, and stuffing it in the car. This just went on and on, and we never did get to my mom before I woke up.

I need to go up to the house today, and I'm so sleepy, I don't want too. But I need too. Next weekend I can sleep it away, but today, I need to gt myself dressed...

M

2009-07-31T22:48:00.002-06:00

How do you explain to someone how music shoots straight to your soul?

Some songs, I listen to them over and over, and its a straight shot in shoots me straight my gut.

Every time.

It's soul food.

It's a nuance, a feeling. It's unexplainable.

Yesterday, at work, when I was crying so hard over and over inside, and being strong on the outside, I put "Amazing Grace" on my iPod, curtosy of Aretha....over and over, I listened to Gospel Music.

The only religious music I can listen too, is done by the likes of the Queen of Soul herself..and a few others. It's not the religious aspect of it that does me in, it's the soul food. It's the feeling. It's the big legs and strong voices, and eternal love that is carried in their voice.

Tonight, and for almost the last year, it's been "Three County Highway" by the Indigo Girls.

I can't get enough. I listen to it, over and over.

I then think I should put on something else, and I try...but I have to put it back on. I can't bare not to hear that song. It must be the song, that has gotten me through the last year, more than any other.

The part where Amy sings:

"It's been a warm winter and a cold spring, Everywhere I've been's felt wrong to me, everything I've kept, and what I never should have thrown away, I wanted you for all those yesterdays"

....it grabs me...speaks to me, then the end, where she sings so beautifully

"One day we're going to laugh instead of cry, one day I'm coming home to stay it's true, Baybee that's the last ticket home I'm gonna buy....It's been a warm winter and a cold spring, everywhere I've beens felt wrong to me, "so put your head on my heart, and lay down in the crook of my arm, everything's OK, we've been found again...been found again..." It makes me melt. That is what love is. Lay down on me, put your head on my arm, and it will all be OK baybee.....over and over...I hear this...

I think it's knowing that it will all be OK...life is scary. As scary as it's been for the last two years of trying to make this move, this jump...it's even scarier to be here. I try to be brave....but there is no arm to lie on....so I listen...I suck it in. I stay strong. I can't expect to have everything all at once, and I know it's a process...but it's so huge for me right now, so bigger than life.

I sit on my new furniture, in my new house, and I can't really believe I've done it. I've left. I've started a new life for real. It's still baby steps...but they are forward moving steps. I'm free to fall in love. I'm free to hang my red curtains....I'm free to eat nachos for a week if I want too. It is amazing.

I wonder if I've got the guts to go back to school, and do what I really want...something with computers....I've been thinking about it, and I haven't told anyone.

I want to be a potter again. I want to smell that dank cool smell that only a pottery studio has..must from the clay. I want to feel my hands get rough for a reason.

As much as I want all of this, I realize for the first time in a million years, I can do this. I can go back to being a potter if I want too. I can listen to ARay sing over and over and over and not have to worry about anyone complaining.

I can kiss my kids until they are sick of it. I'm in control for the first time in my grown up life really.

I've even been thinking that maybe renting is better for me than buying a new place. I'm not sure I really like all the responsibility that goes along with owning a house. I love being able to call the owner and tell them the toilet is plugged and not have to worry about calling the plumber myself. I like not mowing my own lawn. I've owned, and it was nice. It was also damned nice to get out of that house.

Dreams That Linger On...and On...

2009-07-31T00:30:00.002-06:00

I'm better tonight, and I've calmed down from my day. Kids have a way of bringing you back to "real" life. I went to T-Ball, I talked with friends, and cheered the little boys I've been watching all year play soccer and now T-Ball. I feel at home with these people, they are real to me, and have been uber supportive with the divorce, etc...

Anyway, the purpose of this post is a dream I had last night....

So many dreams I have anymore are surreal, intense, and full of feeling. This one was so hard to wake up from, so hard to leave, and so hard to let go of.

I'm not sure it's even worth going into the details, but the gist of it was that I was having this intense relationship with someone I care about a great deal. We were going from place to place, trying to find a place to stay...to live....and ended up in the city. I'm not sure it was SF..but it felt like SF in the Mission....we kept going to new places, and her ex partner kept following us. I felt bad, I knew she was hurting, and at the same time, I felt so much like I was in the right place, that it was worth the fight to stay there.

This dream, has so many roots. I understand it. I'm not sure I want to explain it, but it really has to do with choosing whether to fight, or let go. I think I need to let go. I feel the need to explore what is around me. To explore new relationships and seek them out. To just date for awhile, have some romance, and connections, and trust that all this fighting I've done for the last two years, is going to reep a reward in my personal life somewhere.

I'm not into getting "paired" up at all right now. I really want to enjoy my own home. I want to be with my kids. I want to feel free to put what I want on the walls, cook what I want for dinner, and watch what I want on the TV. I'm tired of compromising, and I don't really feel like doing it for awhile. I'm sure I will eventually, but I'm so past that place of "needing a partner". In a lot of ways, a partner feels like more trouble than it's worth right now.

So where does that leave me? That leaves me in a place I'd never really thought I'd be. It leaves me looking for friends....real friends....who live close enough to me to share my life in a way that works for me.

I've been exploring the personal adds on one site, and it seems that many of the closest Lezzies to me are either in Salt Lake City, or Calgary. Calgary is actually closer I think, but SLC is a days drive. This appeals to me in every way right now. It appeals to my sense of adventure. It appeals to my independent streak that would absolutely take off and meet someone half way for a romantic weekend. It appeals to me because I might get to meet some people who have a healthy life, women I won't need to "fix". I've been fixing myself for so long now. I want to just have fun. I want to see people to whom my kids won't be baggage, but a sense of fun, like they are too me. My kids rock....they are great little people to hang out with, and I most likely won't include them in anything for awhile, but eventually, I'd like to see how they do. After all, they are not going anywhere, and anything eventually will include them in it.

I have gotten a few emails from one woman, and I have a really good feeling about her. She has a really great life as far as I can tell. An open and happy face. A sense of adventure, and a love of children. She just seems happy and contented and it's a weird feeling to get off of such a few emails. I definitely feel like we could be great friends...and who knows what else.

I'm feeling less and less scared about what the future holds for me in regards to Hubcap. He seems to be getting much easier to deal with on a daily basis. If we can just get the house on the market, I think things will settle down. We have been working on having a good relationship both for us and for the kids. Since we haven't had sex in nearly two years, nor slept in the same bed, we really haven't lost as much as you would think. We are talking more, and he seems as much happier as I feel. I asked him to take the kids tomorrow night, because I took them last Friday night for him, and he agreed. I think we can work with this, I really do. I'm feeling more hopeful about it all the time.

I did a great deal of thinking tonight, and realized I just need to chill about work. No matter what happens, I will be alright. I'm not going to fall through the cracks...I have assets if I need them. I'm not broke nor destitute. Now that the furnishing spending is over, the whip has gone down on the spending. In the end, I came in under budget, even with everything I bought....We are eating cheap, and the kids are eating better than before. Tonight we BBQ'ed hot dogs and had left over fries from the Deli. Little Miss is taking after her Great Grandma Flossie, and turning into a ketchup fiend, wanting ketchup sandwiches...yuck...this has to be coming from my grandma...I can barely stand ketchup.

This weekend I'm going to tackle a big deal thing for me. Finance, 101. I'm going to get my bills on a schedule, and start working on getting online bill paying set up for everything I can. Money is my greatest fear. It can paralyze me in an instant. It can wake me up from a sound sleep with my heart racing and my body sweating. I have to concur this one. It's why I went to work for the State in the first place, so I'd have a secure income, good benefits and a pension to call my own when I retire. I'm going over a speed bump, nothing more.

So there you have it, late night ramblings from a former Old Crone who should by all accounts be in bed.

M

Dreadful Day

2009-07-30T17:06:00.002-06:00

This has been a perfectly horrible day at work. I'm in trouble. My boss has decided that I am to be put on "corrective action" because I didn't meet a deadline. I didn't meet it, the thing is, I've never had a deadline from him that wasn't flexible. He gave me all this work to do, on top of my regular work while he was on vacation. I got most of it done, but between taking time off to move, and getting more daily work than normal, I didn't get it done before he got back. I thought, no biggie, I'll have it done before he comes out of his office. Well evidently it was a BIGGIE....

Plus I made a stupid mistake on a calculation, and he found that on my desk while he was rummaging through it while I was out sick with Little Miss last week. I'm so mad, I can't see straight. I sit there, and I work and work. I rarely take breaks, but it boils down to me not being a suck up I think. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. This really isn't THAT big of a deal with the state, they put it in your file and after a few months they take it out again. But I hate it. I hate hate hate it. I want to have a tantrum, and I have no time off to do that right now.

I feel alone, and scared and all of this is on my shoulders, even heavier than it was before. I have this new life, I need to be able to pay for it. I'm mad because he knows how hard the last few months have been for me, and instead of giving me an inch when I need it, he stabs me in the back. He even told me today, "I don't know what happened, everything was fine, then it wasn't". I said, well what happened is my "personal life went to shit" and he said, "that's no excuse". I said to him, "I'm not making excuses, but that is what happened."

OK..so Breathe Mon...Breathe......take a deep breath.

I'm not sure I like this alone feeling. I still see hubby, and it's hard for me not to cling on to him when I'm hurting. I have absolutely no one here to help me except him. I'm having a pity party of the hugest proportions right now. It's a big scary world, and even bigger and scarier with little kids on your own.

I am having the hardest of time even talking about this, and I'm making myself write about it before I bury it down deep, and ignore it.

To add insult to injury, I waited all day for the "letter", and he didn't give it to me. I got so sick to my stomach at work, my IBS acted up for the first time in a long time. He walked out, told me
"goodbye", I said, "I'll see you tomorrow" and he said, "If I'm here, my back hurts"....so he's just going to drag out the torture even more. My gut is telling me he doesn't want to put me on this, but his boss is making him, because his boss is the one that gave me such a wicked hard time when he was on vacation.

I just need to get out of there, and I've been planning on it, I just wanted to get the move, and divorce over with first, now I'm being backed in a corner again. When is this shit ever going to end???? Just when I started feeling like I could breathe again, I get hit in the gut with this shit...

Oh well...have to meet Hubcap (As "C" so aptly named him for me) at Small Son's T-Ball game, it's the last game of the season and we get the medals and photo's tonight...

I'll probably write more tonight...

M

Go BAYBEEEEEEEE

2009-07-30T05:53:00.000-06:00

Just too cute for 6AM.....

Fresh

2009-07-27T23:26:00.002-06:00

Oh my,

I just went out on my back porch. It's lovely out there. It's cool, which after the hot weather lately is very much welcome. It also smells of rain and pine needles (I have no idea where the pine is coming from), and it just made me happy. I had to report. I think I will be reporting on much happiness from here on out.

Oh, and my Little Man calls "tattling" "reporting"...."honestly mommy, I'm not tattling, I'm reporting"......

This song IS my mood right now....

2009-07-27T22:35:00.002-06:00

So sleepy tonight. I realized how much work being a pretty much single parent is going to be. When Hubby brought the kids home tonight, and bolted out the door, I became a bit jealous of the fact that he is going to get so much more alone time than I will, and this has always been an issue. That being said, I don't want it the other way around. I did remind him tonight that Wednesday night's are his nights with the kids.

It's just that I am a softy. I'm sitting here listening to the wailing of my son, yelling "mommy....mommy..." Because I still haven't gotten his room all the way set up, and he is in my bed. He thinks I need to go to bed with him. I am even tired, but I don't want to cave in and go up there while he is wailing. I know it's a phase, I know it needs to stop, and I will have his room done this weekend (I hope), but it's hard, because he is the clingy one of the two kids anyway. He's clingy and emotional. He pulls at my strings....and it's all I can do not to give in ALL the time. I also realize he is having to go through a terrible change for a young child, but I do think he is doing OK....

The kids did enjoy their time with their dad, but I know they were glad to get home with me last night, and they were only gone one night. What am I going to do when it's two nights?

It's cool tonight, and I'm hearing the song of my wind chime out my door. How I love this sound. It reminds me of being a little girl, listening to the twinkling sounds of the glass wind
chimes my mother had hanging all over our porch in the desert.

M

This Is It.....The Beginning....

2009-07-26T17:26:00.003-06:00

This afternoon, I had the luxury of taking a nap. The thing is, I didn't nap. As I lay in my bed, watching "Sex and The City, The Movie"...I realized again, why I love this show so.

It made me hungry for my friends, the ones that really know me. I loved watching the movie, and just like at the end of the actual series (of which I was a huge fan of), I was balling my eyes out. Not because Mr. Big declared his undying love and devotion for Carrie, but because they were married, and because in the end, the perfect reception was a cheesy diner with Miranda, Steve, Charlotte and Harry and Samantha. It got to me. The emotional meal part of it all, the fact that the girls have always gotten their emotional meals from each other, and at the end, they were celebrating by eating at a table together. How perfect is that?

So this is my new blog. I hesitate to come out from under the radar much, so I'm not going too. You can call me OC still. No more "Old Crone".

My first weekend semi-alone, and it felt like complete indulgence and decadence. What is so funny is that I spent the majority of it cleaning my old house. But the only thing I was worrying about was me. The kidlets were with soon to be Ex Hubby. I need to find a new name for him, as Dufus is not doing it for me. Any long time readers have any suggestions about what I should now call "Hubby"?

I took an afternoon shower, and a bath last night in my huge ass tub. It felt so weird, and good at the same time. I think though, that I am at my limit, I am missing the little rugrats and ready for them to come home to me so I can smell their sweet little child heads and kiss on them. Sure to accompany them will be lots of whining and crying as I'm sure they are tired and ready to come home too, we will see though.

I named this blog My Montana Blu for a very special reason. It is the name a very dear friend calls me, and I just think it fits. It's full of hope and promise of good things to come. It's not dark, and closeted, it is full, bright sunlight. Not that it won't contain darkness, I'm sure it will, but I'm on to a better place, and I think it's time to put Bearsmountain to bed. I will have a link to it here, so feel free to read it if you want.

Through the night, and into the day!

Peace,

OC