Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I'm sitting on my couch, after midnight because I took a long long nap this afternoon. Enjoying a small libation, and feeling mellow. The TV is completely off, I can hear the clock ticking and the trains blowing their whistles...I love that sound.

I'm missing them tonight...the kidlets and even Hubcap. They feel so far away, as they are. I'm trying not to dwell on it. I'm doing what I feel like doing, as soon that will be gone and I will miss it as well.

I'm just lonely. I really am. Very lonely. I have to stir myself enough to get out of my house and meet some women. I just don't know where to go here in town. I think I will discuss this in therapy tomorrow. I don't know how to put myself out there. I wish I had a large group of friends like I did in California, but I don't. Without Hubcap and the kids, I'm on my own pretty much and I don't like it.

It's just a lonely sounding night between the train whistles and the wind chimes. It feels so nice though at the same time. Every night sound is magnified for me right now. The hum of the wind is telling it's tale.

How will I ever work up the nerve to get myself out there again. I'm not sure anyone will really ever want to be with me again. I'm too heavy, I have kids, I live in the middle of nowhere etc...

All I know is I'm ready to run, even if it's just a sprint. I want to feel the touch of someone besides my kidlets....I want to feel connected to this world in a way I don't know and haven't in a long time. I want to feel like I can see inside of someone. I want to let my Cancer nature come out and spoil some special woman silly, cook her breakfast casseroles, rub her back, and make love until she's done, then draw her a bath and wash her down, making her feel as special as I know she is....why can't I find her? Maybe she is across the world, across the country??? Maybe this is the wrong life for it. I just know that somewhere, my lady is waiting for me to love her.


MakingSpace said...

You're gonna be fine out there! I know you're writing from a place of momentary loneliness, but this post made me smile. You're gonna be sooooo fine.

Kel said...

You know from reading my story, that the person you're meant to spend the rest of your life with, will just drop into your lap (pun intended)when you least expect it! Just hang in there, and try to live your life in the best way possible for you AND the kidlets... The rest will fall into place when it's meant to!

Camlin said...

You and I are having exactly the same problem!

C said...

yeppers, i agree with the above post. give it time. use this opportunity to fill yourself up... fine tune what it is you want for your future, and BELIEVE IT! send it out to the universe, and when the timing is just right, you 2 will find eachother. and it will happen when you least expect it. when you arent even looking. trust me, i can predict the future! bwahahahahahah

it doesnt matter if you are a lil fluffy but not stuffy, or muffy... you are YOU and that will be what some one will fall in love with.
i have had many lonely nights too, hon, when i felt sort of lost, hopeless to ever be happy again, and asking myself why someone would love me.... cuz i'm fluffy but not stuffy, i have kids, etc... that will pass. you are still healing from your big changes.
you're gonna be soooooooooooo fine! [heard that before, have you...?]

hang in there, toots.... it will all be OK.


Anonymous said...

Get out there, meet people, join some groups from online or through the school or rec center. And sometimes calm is nice. :-)