I'm sitting on my couch, after midnight because I took a long long nap this afternoon. Enjoying a small libation, and feeling mellow. The TV is completely off, I can hear the clock ticking and the trains blowing their whistles...I love that sound.
I'm missing them tonight...the kidlets and even Hubcap. They feel so far away, as they are. I'm trying not to dwell on it. I'm doing what I feel like doing, as soon that will be gone and I will miss it as well.
I'm just lonely. I really am. Very lonely. I have to stir myself enough to get out of my house and meet some women. I just don't know where to go here in town. I think I will discuss this in therapy tomorrow. I don't know how to put myself out there. I wish I had a large group of friends like I did in California, but I don't. Without Hubcap and the kids, I'm on my own pretty much and I don't like it.
It's just a lonely sounding night between the train whistles and the wind chimes. It feels so nice though at the same time. Every night sound is magnified for me right now. The hum of the wind is telling it's tale.
How will I ever work up the nerve to get myself out there again. I'm not sure anyone will really ever want to be with me again. I'm too heavy, I have kids, I live in the middle of nowhere etc...
All I know is I'm ready to run, even if it's just a sprint. I want to feel the touch of someone besides my kidlets....I want to feel connected to this world in a way I don't know and haven't in a long time. I want to feel like I can see inside of someone. I want to let my Cancer nature come out and spoil some special woman silly, cook her breakfast casseroles, rub her back, and make love until she's done, then draw her a bath and wash her down, making her feel as special as I know she is....why can't I find her? Maybe she is across the world, across the country??? Maybe this is the wrong life for it. I just know that somewhere, my lady is waiting for me to love her.