My Montana Blu

I can't seem to find my voice, and don't understand why it's so hard for me. It's never hard for me to write, or at least, it's not usually hard for me. Writing has always been my mainstay. My touchstone so to speak.

I'm swimming through the waves. I'm getting stronger, even as my knee and leg pain consumes me. I constantly worry about becoming addicted to pain killers. If you have ever had chronic pain, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Take this little pill, and be able to function, or don't take it and hurt like hell. When I hurt, I get nothing done. I have to think about what can I really do today. Sit too long I hurt, stand too long I hurt. I'm tired of this. I do okay most days, but this has been a hard week managing my pain.

I am terrified of taking too much and becoming addicted so I choose not too. When I do give in and take the vicodin, it's a sigh of relief for a brief time. It's time I can rest, and not hurt.

But that choice, limits my options. Right now I am sitting up in bed, at 4:30am, because my legs were hurting so much. So not only am I having pain, I am losing sleep which I'm sure will make the pain worse tomorrow.

Twice this week, the pain was so unmanageable, I had to take pain pills at work. I never do that. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and hit the doctor again. I've been trying to avoid it, but I fear I'm going to have to face it. I worry I have lupus or fibroM. I have good friends with both. Neither is a road I want to travel, so I avoid it all together.

But honestly, sometimes the physical pain I'm in just overtakes everything in my life. I am strong though. I have faith I will make the right choices. I have faith I will hold it together and take care of my babies.

This is all on the heals of watching hubcap fall deeper into his addictions. I know he's drinking a lot. I feel it. He always smells of wine. When I come home from work and he's here with the kids waiting for me to get home, there is always a glass of wine going. I made him buy it this time. I'm tired of wanting to have an occasional glass myself and it being gone because he keeps drinking it all.

I elected this week to start hiring a sitter one night a week. Tonight she came over and I went to Walmart. I was able to just relax. Not worry about what time I "had" to be home because hubcap was expecting me. I get my Wednesday's...where he makes them dinner. But he has them home by 7pm...and I don't get off work until 5pm...not much time for weekly shopping, gas getting, dinner, and maybe five minutes of "me" time.

I'm hooking up this weekend with an old friend from HS. He is driving here, and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this. He is in the middle of a separation too, so he's been very lonely. That being said, it's been wonderful talking to someone from home. Someone who knows both the town I grew up in, and my chosen home, SF. He lived in the bay area for as long as I did. His point of references are the same as mine. He also has small children, which is huge when it comes to understanding my life.

He is smart, funny and conservative. How is it I always end up being friends with conservatives? In all honesty, I think he's a secret liberal hiding in a conservative facade.

I've fought with myself about this, because in spite of it all, I feel this weird attraction. I haven't wanted to blog about this. I haven't wanted to say after all my work, I'm feeling this other thing going on. It's taking all my bravery here folks to blog about this.

I talked about this in therapy this week, and D really helped me understand that my feelings about people are fluid. I don't have to adhere to anything. I can make a new friend of the opposite sex and not have it threaten my sexuality. I am the sexual being I am. I know I want my next life partner to be a woman. I also know that right now, at this moment in my life, I want to play. I want to have fun, with no strings. I want to be selfish and do what I want.

She even said that if something sexual happened, it's all a learning experience, and that I need to trust in the fluidity of my movement. I appreciate her so much. It's been so rewarding to have a therapist who is an out lesbian, who didn't come out until her 50's. She totally gets me on a level that most people haven't been able too. She is objective, helpful, and insightful.

On the other hand, I met a woman at work I'm insanely attracted too. It's a nowhere situation, she's consumed with "finding a man".....but at the same time, I find her rather large curvacious body so much like my own terribly attractive, her long hair very attractive, and her slight southern accent charming. I'm willing to play. I wonder if she is??? She seems to mill around me an awful lot, so I can't help but wonder, you know?

Navigating my way through male relationships at this point is something I need to learn. The last years have been about navigating my way through my female relationships...finding my way...trusting that I am who I am. I told someone this week that I was gay, and it was someone I hadn't intended on telling.

Guess what? She asked me what it was like. She told me she was almost leaning there herself. This is someone super important to me, who is in my mommy group, who I've known for 7 years. This is someone conservative. But we have this base together. We have this common place of learning to be mom's together, having marriages to husbands that consistently let us down. The level of trust I have with my friend Carrie is so huge, and it was super freeing for me to tell her and have her accept me.

So I'm going to meet my new friend this weekend with an open heart and no expectations. I'm going to trust that I will meet my own needs in whatever way is right. It's all about trusting yourself isn't it?

Off to try to get another two hours of sleep.

M

Like a fish out of water.

I haven't written much lately. Things have been so so hard, that it's impossible for me to begin to describe it. Suffice it to say, it's been a bad bad few weeks at work. My kids both had H1N1. Hubcap has it so bad I'm worried about him and feel compelled to check on him everyday, bring him food, make sure he is Okay.

I'm running through some sort of transition, and I don't know what it is. I hate work so bad right now, it's almost a physical sickness. I cuddle my kids at night, and keep telling myself this too shall pass. Why is it that when I finally feel myself coming into my own, that things become so emotionally challenging that I'm almost at the end of my rope?

I am starting to hate Montana with a passion. I should rephrase that. I hate living in Montana. I want to go home. I want to go home to California where I belong. I'm considering it at this point, but nothing can happen until the house sells.

I know life will not be any easier in CA...money will be hard, worse than hard.

But at least I'll feel like I'm home. I don't fit in here. I try. I know I could try more, but honestly, I'm stretched so thin, I have no energy to put into new relationships. I want to go home and bathe in my old ones.

I want to take my kids home so they grow up knowing there are people besides white people. I want to smell the dirt, grime and urine on the streets....I'm coming to the slow realization that I have tried to go country, but I'm an urban mite. I always have been.

I think about the stuff I used to love, walking down the street, hearing people talk in different languages...some I could recognize, some I couldn't. I knew the homeless on my corners by name, and gave them clothes, coffee, cigarettes, money without hesitation, knowing that they were living the life they chose, and who was I to tell them any different. What you give of your heart, you must give fully, with no regrets.

I can't say that I ever do that here. I go to Wally World, and look at people with scorn in my eyes, I know I do. I know it must be coming off of me in great waves...saying..."fucking hicks"....I go to work, and work with people who know of nothing but this place. Who think this is normal. Hell, maybe it is normal, maybe I'm the weirdo from CA. I know they think that about me, and the more they do, the more I feel myself wanting to act out.

It's getting harder and harder to stay in the closet. It's all I can do not to put blatantly gay topics right on my facebook page for all of them to see. I know one of these days, I'm going to do it and not realize it. I need to somehow tell hubcap I think....

I wish I knew what I really wanted to do. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd be out of here...now. Not waiting. But they deserve more than me selfishly pulling them out of the only place they have known as home for my own needs. I must consider this carefully...and hope with hope that I do the right thing.

I just want to go home. It's that simple. I long for my city by the bay. I long for the fog, for the drives down Hwy 1 from San Francisco to Santa Cruz, for the slow peace of Point Reyes. For the hustle and bustle. I even long for the traffic. How crazy is that? I want to go to Trader Joes, and by my coffee again at the Castro Cheesery where they knew me. How is it in a city as giant as SF....I had more "neighborhood" connections than I've ever had here?

My soul lives in CA....how come I don't? I moved of my own free will, but now I'm regretting it in a huge, big way. I'm not meant for this life here. I know people do it, but I'm not sure I'll ever feel comfortable here, really comfortable. It's because everything I loved, and treasured, in a pleasure way, is not here. I remember driving in the city, looking out over the bay, the blue water on sunny days, the sail boats...the smell of fish frying in the air, the sounds of sea gulls, my favorite scavengers.....and I would always think, OMG, I live here....the pleasure of it, time and time again.

My memories are so wrapped up in the smells (quiet now Sta). In the colors...in the funky dirtiness of it. My pleasures in that city never had to do with the fancy places to eat, or go, they had to do with the rougher side...the grimy side.

Don't get me wrong, I like nice things and places as much as the next person...but walking down a street in the mission, and seeing a mural, standing in the sun with my friend while we waited for Carnival to start....parking my car in the parking lot on Ocean beach and just sitting.......Barbara's Fish Shack in Half Moon Bay, and in Montera...the coffee house that sat on the highway with the glassed in porch and huge rockers so that you could sit there, and enjoy the view. My dad and I used to go there every time he came.

I had neighborhoods I loved, and neighborhoods I avoided like the plague. I loved the Mission, The Haight, China Town, Little China Town, The sunset, and The Richmond....I stayed far far away from The Marina, Pacific Heights, Northbeach, the inner Sunset. I loved Fort Funston and the Hang Gliders, and Pacifica and the fog.....and lets not forget Devils Slide.....

Sta and I used to take small road trips just to go there, and then down the road a bit for Mexican food at a taquaria.

Street musicians, and the silver and gold guys down on the Pier. Fleet week, with the endless noises caused by the Blue Angels flying over head all week. It's all so perfectly clear in my head, even five years later.....fiver years after I left....and it's so fucking real I could touch it.

Enough for now....

M

I came into my room tonight, and found the two cutest kids in the universe asleep in my bed...big surprise since they sleep with me every night...but oh well. I love their cuddly little bodies all snuggled up on me, and it won't be long until I will get the look and barely a good morning, so I'm enjoying it while I can....

Can you hear the soft snores coming from my direction????

M

Where am I?

This is what I keep asking myself.

I'm not sure how much I like this being alone stuff. Sometimes I feel it so hard, so deep, it cuts like a knife. Then there are other time when I'm wandering around my new home, looking at the fire engine red curtains that I hung, with the curtain rods I hung, that I think this is just fucking awesome....

Maybe it's a question of just learning how to be on my own??? I wish I could settle on one single path...

This morning, driving Small Son to school, toward our old home, we both felt it, felt the sadness that the first snow had fallen and we weren't there. That our place was no longer on the mountain, in that big house with the view, but in the little town home with the red curtains...

The sadness lasted for a bit, then left. I don't know how to grieve it I guess. I love Hubcap, I do...but when "T" (my therapist) asked me last week if I wanted to sleep with him, the answer was a "Hell No".....it made me think....I'm holding on, and that's not fair to him either.

Sometimes though, I can't believe it's over. That we have broken up. He's been part of my life for so long. A part of my life that excluded much that was my life before him. And now I'm living in the remoteness called Montana, alone, with just him for support. I'm not in my beloved CA anymore...with my friends...I'm here, in the cold, alone for the most part, with two small kids. How do I cope with that? I guess one wave after the other...one wave of emotion after the other....I get through it.

I even feel bad sometimes about feeling bad. I'm the one that broke us up...how dare I feel bad??? It's all so complicated though. The truth is, I'm pretty happy living on my own, except when I need to change a light bulb or clean the garage.

I got excited for the first time in years tonight, planning on decorating my house for the holidays. I never did before, because I had to decorate it the way he wanted it. I got excited thinking about my new, fake tree that is under the house, that I bought on clearance last year after Christmas....and I got excited about not having to sweep up all the needles from the real one he always insisted on.

I'm missing my fireplace something fierce though. I keep trying to figure out where I could put one in this place, even a plug in electric one, and the only place is in my room.

When I start thinking hard, about where I was at this time last year, how miserable I was, how I was starting to really plan my escape, right down to paying off my student loans, re-fing the house, renting storage, getting out, it blows my mind. I'm here. I have done it..what the fuck am I doing grieving what I've lost????

Last summer was the road trip from hell...it was me crying and locking myself away constantly because I was so very unhappy, because I didn't want to sleep with him, and hating his goodnight kisses....now...I'm here. He and I are in a pretty good space, things are working out...then I go and get all sad-ass on myself.....good god....

I guess I've just come to the conclusion this is what it is....no more, no less....my feelings will come in waves of sorrow, joy, and wonderment.....my heart will lead the way for me and the kidlets....keep the peace....that's all I have to do, is keep the peace...

M

A new Award from "C" over at "Midwestern Mama With A New York Heart"....

It's cold today...brrrrrr....feels like snow and my feet are cold. I think it may be a spaghetti night at home...

I've been having such a hard time blogging lately, I think it's because I've just been flat out exhausted between the kidlets and the hell I call work. It's been pretty stressful the last few weeks...not to mention having company for basically two straight weeks (no pun intended).

So this morning, I got up again rather late, and made my way to my favorite coffee house. Not sure what the difference is between here and home except a few dollars, but whatever it makes me feel much better to get out of the house.

I slept nearly all day yesterday, I don't think I climbed out of bed until nearly 3:30pm.

I'm sitting here listening to this bimbo talk about her bikini though, so it's throwing off my sense of peace, and since I'm syncing my iPod with my new Macbook, I can't drown her out. Bikini's and "ritzy" areas are what she is talking about to some middle aged couple, like they are interviewing her to be their "2nd" wife, probably all under the guise of "church"...Ok...Mon..you are being mean, but it's so annoying, I want to take my bagel plate and throw it at her fugly blond teased hair.

Last night I watched the movie "Desert Hearts" for the first time. A new friend I met on Curves Online a few months ago, sent me a few of her favorite movies, and I fell in love with this one. Thank you J...I love loved it....it reminded me of the desert I grew up in. I know it's probably old news for most of you, but if you haven't seen it, it's worth a watch. It reminded me a lot of one of my other favorite movies, "Bagdad Cafe", both slow sultry movies with great music set in the desert. Of course I'm a sucker for any movie with music by Patsy Cline...

I've been thinking today, after an email from a good friend, about joy...where do you find it, and how do you keep it? She said there are some of us out there that find the joy in small things, like a good cup of coffee and not having dogshit on our feet. So true..you have to grab the little moments as they show up. Grasp a them and not let go. I know I find the most joy in my life from my kids.

From snuggling with Little Miss, digging my face in her blond curls and drinking in her smell. From hugging small son. He gives the best hugs, and looks at me with that look that I only get from him. I had my life, then at almost 40, I got my "real" life. I'm not sure that sounds good, but it's how I feel. I had a fairly nice life with lots of friends before 40, but it was when I had my kids, that I really learned how to love, how to give of myself and not have any expectations of getting it back...

Now I have to find a way to keep the joy, in the midst of everything else..

This place is getting crowded and busy and I like the noise, I still wish my iPod would finish syncing though...

I feel like I need to just keep writing, keep moving forward. Keep looking for peace and joy....I refuse to turn into a staid, old woman....

My joy at this moment is listening to Amy Ray....it always is actually....the Indigo Girls are the single thing that has kept me really moving through this transition...giving me the strength to move ahead.....when I start waffling, I think about my crush on Ms. Ray....keeps me running towards the rainbow.



I've posted this song before, but honestly, I can't quit listening to it. It is me right now...especially the part where she sings....

"It's been a warm winter and a cold spring, everywhere I've been has felt wrong to me.
So put your head on my heart and lay down in the crook of my arm.
Everything's okay, I've been found again, I've been found again."

This part just gets to me, over and over and over.....magic lyrics in my soul....

M