Monday, October 25, 2010's been a long time since I wrote anything on here.  I keep thinking about it, but never seem to find the energy to do it.  Ah well.....

My life is happy.  I love my house, and I'm settling into coupledom really well with my girl.  I've come out to nearly everyone that I need to do this with...the latest being a co-worker who works in a different building than me, but whom I'm really interested in becoming friends with.  Figured it was a needed conversation, and I did it, and it gets easier each time I do it. 

Other friend...the first friend is back in my life in a real world way.  She moved home after a terrible...breakup/unbreak up with her's been so nice having her home, and being in the place we can really be friends again.  She and GF...get along really well, and totally seem to dig each other, and it's easy and wonderful to have her back..and I've realized she's always been meant to be in my life.

I don' really is like I've walked through the smoke, through the fire, and come out on the other side.  My life is in a semi peaceful place now, and I've realized that everything is so much easier now that I'm not so horribly stressed about things.  Work is easier, socializing is easier, etc...

Small Son and Little Miss are doing really well, though I did put Small Son in therapy, more because of how hubcap is acting toward me, than any real problems he has on his own, he just has a really rough time dealing with his daddy when his daddy isn't there you go....

I'm not going to say I'm going to start writing like I used to, but I am going to try to make more of an effort.  It's just harder to find things to write about when I'm not miserable.  It's something I need to work at though, writing can't and shouldn't be just for misery in my life.  I love writing, I love my life now.  I'm totally broke, and happy as a clam... to bed with me...but happy trails to everyone...and keep on pushing, there is life on the other side of the proverbial fence.....


Sunday, August 29, 2010

Moved Finally

I'm sure you've been wondering where I've been hiding. I've been moving, painting, and entertaining my mom, who decided it was a good time to visit literally one week after the big move.

So here is an update. I love love my new house. It's perfect. The kids are doing so well here. They go to sleep so well here, eat better, and behave better. I have to think this is because they are outside playing instead of watching TV.

I don't have TV anymore, don't want to pay for Satellite, so I'm working on getting us hooked up to the Internet via computer. We'll see how this goes.

My new kitty , Mr. Zipp has taken up residence in our house now.  He is so sweet, but is having light urinary issues, so we will see.  I'm hoping it's just an adjustment period for him.  It's not excessive, and I haven't found any "evidence" since my mom and sister left.  Cross your fingers because I've fallen in love with him.

It's raining today, and I just made myself a taco salad for lunch.  I'm not going to spend too much time writing today, I need to clean.  Little Miss is starting Kindergarten tomorrow, and I need to get the kids ready before they get home from their dads.  I will try to make some time to do a real update soon.


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Insurmountable Joy and Sadness

I had a conversation tonight with a dear friend, that made me sad, and it made me reflect on my own life. I value life, now more than ever.

Today I spoke with a new therapist, for Small Son. I've decided he needs therapy, as he is having a very hard time dealing with this divorce, and all it means in his life. He is finding it hard to tell me, because I believe he feels he is being disloyal to his daddy. It's time. I figured it would come eventually, and it's here.

This therapist was recommended to me by a friend at work.

He wants to involve Fucktard in therapy, which I'm all for. I think he needs to be involved, possibly more than I do. So now I have to tell Fucktard that I've initiated this process. I will, but I know it's going to cause an be it I suppose. I'm also thinking Fucktard will relate to this therapist, and maybe in some sort of back door way, it might help him. Anyway, I've got my fingers crossed.

I get my house next week...finally. It's been a long time coming. I'm taking Small Son with me to the walk through, so he can finally see it. He wants to go so bad, and I think it will be good for him to go with me. I'm more excited than I can say.

Financially, I'm approaching crunch time. Still so much to buy for the house and funds are dwindling but, I feel in my gut, that it will be all right. That this is what I've been working for my whole life. My own house. I've picked out paint. I've picked out my tractor mower. I've bought the much needed flatbed trailer, and I've given my heart the most wonderful strong women I've ever met.

I feel so connected to her. I can talk to her about anything, everything, for hours. I've never felt this way in my life. I know I can depend on her, really depend on her to work with me, to hold my hand and support me in my weakness. I feel like things are so possible with her, and I don't feel alone. I think she is beautiful.

Where am I going with this? I'm pondering my life, the women in my life. I've said it before, I get and have gotten all of my emotional meals from women for most of my life. My dad and my son are really the only exception to this. It is women I go to when I hurt, be it my best friend or my mom, or my little girl when I need to snuggle her. It is women I call when I'm filled with joy. I guess it's just my turn, in this life, to trust in my female bonds, of which I have many. I am truly blessed. I didn't realize I had so many really good friends, until I accepted who and what I am.

So the things I'm doing for myself this week. I bought a guitar for me, and for Small Son, and intend on learning together. Something is calling me to learn to play the guitar, and I'm listening.

I'm following my gut....listening to my inner voice, and trying so hard to take care of myself so that I can take care of my loved ones.

I bought myself a kick ass cowboy hat and wore it to T-Ball practice tonight...I looked like the dyke I am..and was loving it. I especially loved the look I got from Fucktard, as I walked by him and didn't look at him.

I've drowned myself in the Indigo Girls this week, and that is ALWAYS good for me.

I've committed to adopting a new kitty when we move. His name is Zip..soon to be called Zippy and he lives at a cat sanctuary now. He's white and tabby, 5 years old, declawed, and soon to be very spoiled.

I told my last friend in the world I need to tell, or sort of told her, that I'm queer. I'm still alive and getting stronger by the day.

I've decided that it's not stupid to get the tattoo I really want on my leg, a copy of the hand Amy Ray has on her forearm. I decided she is what pulled me through this journey, and that honoring that was something that was spiritual, and would always make me feel after the move, I get my 2nd tattoo...and I intend on decorating my body with tattoo's for the rest of my life!!!



Monday, July 19, 2010

King of Anything...???

My very very good friend Andy texed me today, and said, "this is my Mon song"...I hadn't heard it so I listened to it, and I agree...loved it.  Googled the lyrics...and I am tempted to send this to Fucktard...

Enjoy the music, enjoy the view...and Thanks A...You know I love you more than my luggage!

Friday, July 16, 2010


It's been awhile since I've written.  Guess I just haven't been in the mood.

It's been rough going with hubcap, and I'm changing his name, officially from here on out.  He will now be known as 'fucktard'.  I'm trying my hardest to "not" react to him.  To ignore his horrid behavior, but it's hard, really hard.  Here is a sample of the email I get.  I got this one two nights ago, and it's cut and pasted in it's entirety.
(Can you say DRUNK any louder?)
 "I hope you know, that there is apsoluly no way I wil let your lesbian bich lover pick up my children. I will meet you no further than the legal tender parking lot in clancy. I am more than willing to fight till the  end on this one. Bring it on you loser lesbian pussy sucker.Thanks for doing this to me and the kids.
P.S. Go to fucking hell"
So, this is what I've been dealing with lately.  I thought for a long time, I'd get away without going through the pain of coming out.  The grief of losing someone you did really love, and watching them change.

Granted I have changed more than I can say.  Since I accepted who I was, really accepted her, I've felt myself get strong in ways I never thought possible.  I feel scared, but this fear, pushes me forward instead of paralyzing me.

I'm putting Small Son into counseling.  I have an appointment with the guy I've chosen next week to do the initial stuff with me.  He says between Small son and I, we can get 8 visits on EAP, which is great, that's two months. 

Found out from Small Son today, that "daddy says mean things about me and Ilene".."mommy he hates you", etc...I told him I know it must be hard to talk about his daddy like that, and asked him if he'd like me to get him some counseling, and he actually wanted too.  I visited with him in the car for awhile this morning, and tried to explain the best I could what is happening.  That daddy is sick right now, and that none of this is his fault.  I explained that he needs to trust his gut, and realize what daddy is saying about me is a lie.  He has a good sense of self, and he is highly intuitive, and I'm hoping that part of him will pull him through this with support from me, a good counselor and Ilene and Sissy.  Just try to make as normal of a family as I can for both of them.  It's killing me to see my babies go through this, because their dad is a fucktard. 

I've grown as close as I hope to come to actually hating him.  The only thing I can say, is that he is not seeing how bad he is getting to me.  I'm able to hold it together and not react most of the time.  I may vent to my friends for days, but he's not privileged to this info.

He's not going to be happy with some of my upcoming actions, but I have to protect my kids, and I'm done, so done, worrying about his sorry ass.  I'm done with him, and his sorry poor me behavior.

He calls me the "three hundred pounds pussy sucking lesbian"...well first of all, I'm not even close to 300 lbs, not that it matters.  Second, he's never once stopped to think, my impinging arthritis and god knows what else, has been hampering my movement.  Not to mention the constant stress, the constant fear of him flipping out.  He doesn't care, and never did.  He didn't help me when I was married to him, what makes me think he will help me now?

All he wants to do, when we are actually talking is "bum a few vicodin" from me.  Then he gets mad when I won't give them to him.  I need them for me.  It's a balancing act between my wonderful Doctor and me, and my pain.  Without the pain pills, at times I just can't function.  With them, I can.  I can move and do stuff around the house, go out with the kids to music festivals, and to national parks.  Without them, I'd be in bed crying in my milk.

So back to my topic, "Similarities"'s become clear to me lately, that you really don't know how people are going to react to you, until you tell.  I've told many people now, and all the important players in my life know, and are uber supportive.  The ones that surprised me the most, are my friend Kelly, who I really expected to have a hard time with it, considering her religious bent.  Not so, she has taken my hand, and held it with compassion and love that only a true friend can do.  My friend Lynell is the same...I was so so worried, and all for naught.  She still loves me, and the kids, she may not understand, but she's doing her best to understand and support in a real life way.  There have been a few, one in particular that I am super disappointed in.  This person is in my mommy group, and honestly, I thought we were better friends.  I never in a million years, thought she would diss me this way.  But if you want to know who your friends are, the real ones, tell them you are queer, and watch what happens.  Most of them, have come to the table, pulled up a chair, and said, it's alright, we love you, there is NO issue.  The few that haven't....well I have to let them go.  Another friend of mine, Karen, has dropped me like a hot potato.  I thought for sure, that though she wouldn't understand, she would still support me and love me.  Instead, it's gossip behind my back, and no word from her for months.  This is someone I was very very good friends with, in real life.  Worked with her for several years, etc...

So I guess the similarities I've been pondering lately, are, what is REALLY so different about me?  I still work, I'm still a single mom, I still shop at Walmart, and I still take care of my kids.  On top of that, I deal with the most unpleasant and mean of ex husbands on a daily basis.  I ignore him most of the time, which makes him madder still, but I refuse to sink to his level.
 The best way I can prove to people I'm not a freak, is to just live my life.  Who I love is my business.  It's ceased to be a choice for me any longer.  I've come to realize the choice for me, was loving men.  That was the "choice"...but it was never a good one.  It never felt good.  It never felt free.  It never felt like I was getting my needs met, and it never felt like I really had a partner, of which I totally feel now.  I've never in my life felt so loved and cared for.  So "in this together" I do.

I managed to "come out" to the last two people I wanted too in the last few weeks.  My friend Melissa.  That was a relief of major proportions.  We do things with our kids all the time.  The other person, is the mother of Small Son's best friend.  I took her to lunch, and spilled my guts...she was wonderful, is her husband.  I told her about the drinking and drugs and neglect, and asked if they would mind taking Small Son sometimes when they go on "boy trips", i.e. hiking, fishing, etc.....Scott is the kind of Daddy I wish Brian had.  They both seemed super agreeable to it, and super supportive.  I finally got my head around the fact I needed to ask for help, that it wasn't going to fall on my doorstep.

I've sucked up at work, and just decided to do it his way.  I'm tried of fighting with my boss, and it's causing me nothing but stress.  Since I gave in, started doing things "his" way, life has been much better at work as well.

I'm going to get a new tattoo on my calf, it's going to be similar to the hand Amy Ray has on her arm.  I finally decided it wasn't silly, that it was profound.  She and her music, and the Indigo Girls have pulled me through this for the last almost 5 years.  It's been her I go to for constant after I move into my new house in 3 weeks, I'm going to get myself a house warming present on my fat, ugly calf!



Sunday, June 20, 2010

This was my first "Pride" was so fun.  We probably didn't do as much as we would have had we been twenty years younger, but I have to say, out on the dance floor last night, we were making the kids jealous...!

I saw my very first ever Drag Queen was a hoot.  Not the drag queens you might find in the city for sure, but fun none the less.  I over indulged in Tequila last night which made things even more fun.

"The Empress"

Heather and her "Date"....

 "Chase the Chicken"


Saturday, June 19, 2010

Pride---Montana Style!

This is the Spokane "Giant Ass Drum Core"...they played quite a lot at the Pride celebration today, and kicked ass...I'll post more later...