Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Psychotic Break...

No...I didn't have a psychotic break...but it's all I can think of in terms with my boss. He has been terrorizing me all week, then all of the sudden today he comes and says he's "sorry he's been so harsh", starts yacking away at me like normal, and I know I must have been sitting there looking at him like he has two heads. It makes no sense...we will see what tomorrow holds, but I have to admit, even having one day back to normal at work felt good. I emailed him last night to tell him I wanted all of my job duties back, and he gave them to me.

It's just been fucking hard....hard...hard....vomiting in the bathroom hard.

I just kept telling myself, he is not going to beat you down...NOT. I won't let him. I'm a fighter, and he's fucking with my family.

My legs and hips are all achy tonight too....can't sleep, but so tired. I'm tired of living in pain, and it does come and go, but I get so grouchy when it comes....tonight I just want someone to take care of ME...rub my back, knee's, toes, all that jazz..

I've wanted to write for days, but have been to stressed to attempt it, and I'm not doing a good job now. Suffice it to say I'm in my room, kidlets snoring on my bed, and I think my sleeping pills are kicking in.

The only good thing this week is that I've been having lovely dreams of making intense love to someone...it changes nightly, but it's like the same soul in different bodies, which has me wondering about the past life thing again. The only person I recognized in my dream was this woman who works at the minimarket who I have had a huge huge crush on for 4 years. Very butch...very friendly, and she lives in pain...is now using a cane, but there is something about her I just really like. I'd probably talk to her if she didn't work with Hubcap....but I can't go there. That being said, I've had a huge crush on her for so long now, I'm not sure what to do with it anymore. Nothing will ever come of it, I'm sure, but I remember even before I started figuring out I was queer, going into that stinking store to buy anything I could think of if I thought she might be there. Putting on my Melissa E concert shirt under a denim shirt, looking sort of fem/butch myself...and then being too shy to even do more than look at her for a moment....

I'm certainly not a girly girl. I don't like dressing up, my favorite shoes are KEENs....I rarely wear makeup anymore, the exception is I still do my hair everyday, shave, smell like a girl, etc...like a salad dressing of butch/femm...except I don't like labels...but then I keep thinking if I make it more physically obvious...it might have a better result....god I could drive myself crazy thinking about it.

M

5 comments:

reeflightning said...

glad your boss has decided to behave himself. good on you for toughing out the rough time!

just be yourself mon,and hope like hell some woman/women are walking around with functioning gaydar, lol!

Camlin said...

We can only hope that your boss has finally come to his senses, at least for the moment.

When I first started living this life, I worried a lot about how I looked. Will people know? Will the right people know? I made a comment to some friends one day about how I presented myself as totally straight and they all laughed at me - it seems as though I had that vibe all along and never really knew. Kinda wish someone had filled me in a few years ago...anyways, what I learned from that experience is that the best thing I can do is just be myself. Jeans, t-shirt, running shoes and a push-up bra. That's me.

C said...

what is the pain you are in, about? did i miss something? i have fibro so i am wondering.

your dreams are little glimpses into the future of what you will have.

glad things at work are good, at least for today.

get some sleep, hon..


c

Dragon said...

don't let your boss get to you but very good he appologized.

Hope you feel better!

MakingSpace said...

I'm glad you're getting some relief with your boss. Keep those dreams a-rollin, they are the stuff of which life is made.