Monday, October 5, 2009

Why????

Where am I?

This is what I keep asking myself.

I'm not sure how much I like this being alone stuff. Sometimes I feel it so hard, so deep, it cuts like a knife. Then there are other time when I'm wandering around my new home, looking at the fire engine red curtains that I hung, with the curtain rods I hung, that I think this is just fucking awesome....

Maybe it's a question of just learning how to be on my own??? I wish I could settle on one single path...

This morning, driving Small Son to school, toward our old home, we both felt it, felt the sadness that the first snow had fallen and we weren't there. That our place was no longer on the mountain, in that big house with the view, but in the little town home with the red curtains...

The sadness lasted for a bit, then left. I don't know how to grieve it I guess. I love Hubcap, I do...but when "T" (my therapist) asked me last week if I wanted to sleep with him, the answer was a "Hell No".....it made me think....I'm holding on, and that's not fair to him either.

Sometimes though, I can't believe it's over. That we have broken up. He's been part of my life for so long. A part of my life that excluded much that was my life before him. And now I'm living in the remoteness called Montana, alone, with just him for support. I'm not in my beloved CA anymore...with my friends...I'm here, in the cold, alone for the most part, with two small kids. How do I cope with that? I guess one wave after the other...one wave of emotion after the other....I get through it.

I even feel bad sometimes about feeling bad. I'm the one that broke us up...how dare I feel bad??? It's all so complicated though. The truth is, I'm pretty happy living on my own, except when I need to change a light bulb or clean the garage.

I got excited for the first time in years tonight, planning on decorating my house for the holidays. I never did before, because I had to decorate it the way he wanted it. I got excited thinking about my new, fake tree that is under the house, that I bought on clearance last year after Christmas....and I got excited about not having to sweep up all the needles from the real one he always insisted on.

I'm missing my fireplace something fierce though. I keep trying to figure out where I could put one in this place, even a plug in electric one, and the only place is in my room.

When I start thinking hard, about where I was at this time last year, how miserable I was, how I was starting to really plan my escape, right down to paying off my student loans, re-fing the house, renting storage, getting out, it blows my mind. I'm here. I have done it..what the fuck am I doing grieving what I've lost????

Last summer was the road trip from hell...it was me crying and locking myself away constantly because I was so very unhappy, because I didn't want to sleep with him, and hating his goodnight kisses....now...I'm here. He and I are in a pretty good space, things are working out...then I go and get all sad-ass on myself.....good god....

I guess I've just come to the conclusion this is what it is....no more, no less....my feelings will come in waves of sorrow, joy, and wonderment.....my heart will lead the way for me and the kidlets....keep the peace....that's all I have to do, is keep the peace...

M

5 comments:

C said...

yep its all part of the process of grieving, even when the change is good and one you elected, it still hurts and its still a process. youre doing it right!
even though it sucks...

c

Ang said...

Being alone can be hard even if it was for the best. Keep your chin up and smile.

CJ said...

Welcome to the wondeful roller coaster of what I call "The Process." It's up and down and all around, but you have to focus on what you ARE excited about, let go of the more difficult memories and make your house (and your LIFE) your own! I am also looking forward to Christmas..MY Christmas!

Camlin said...

Mon, sweetie:

It's okay to grieve what you lost, even though you made the choice to leave. Your process needs to include honoring what was good about the relationship, and those are the things that are hard to leave behind.

When my ex moved out and moved on, I felt for a week or two like I had made a terrible mistake - but I later realized that I was grieving, and I had to give myself permission to be sad.

I've been in this townhouse for almost eight months, and most of the time I love it. It was a process, rediscovering myself and what I loved to do. It was hard being without Emily all the time at first, and sometimes it still is. But that spare time is now being filled with things that I love to do. I write. I go to coffeehouses and write because for some reason external noise pushed me further inside myself. I visit my friends. I cook good food for myself and freeze it for later. Sometimes I even manage to get a little cleaning done...lately I've been feeling like there's more I want to do, but not enough time.

Give yourself the space and time to grieve, and then think about the things you want to do...where do you see yourself in two years? It's too simplistic to tell you to go out and make that happen, because I know it's harder than that, but even one small step towards your goal is a good thing!

Rebecca said...

I think Camlin has said it better than I could have...I grieved for quite a while, there were real valid reasons we married the men we did. And we built lives around that. I still could never go back though, what I have gained is so much more than what was lost. What he gained is more than he ever lost.
Let yourself grieve.