Friday, July 16, 2010


It's been awhile since I've written.  Guess I just haven't been in the mood.

It's been rough going with hubcap, and I'm changing his name, officially from here on out.  He will now be known as 'fucktard'.  I'm trying my hardest to "not" react to him.  To ignore his horrid behavior, but it's hard, really hard.  Here is a sample of the email I get.  I got this one two nights ago, and it's cut and pasted in it's entirety.
(Can you say DRUNK any louder?)
 "I hope you know, that there is apsoluly no way I wil let your lesbian bich lover pick up my children. I will meet you no further than the legal tender parking lot in clancy. I am more than willing to fight till the  end on this one. Bring it on you loser lesbian pussy sucker.Thanks for doing this to me and the kids.
P.S. Go to fucking hell"
So, this is what I've been dealing with lately.  I thought for a long time, I'd get away without going through the pain of coming out.  The grief of losing someone you did really love, and watching them change.

Granted I have changed more than I can say.  Since I accepted who I was, really accepted her, I've felt myself get strong in ways I never thought possible.  I feel scared, but this fear, pushes me forward instead of paralyzing me.

I'm putting Small Son into counseling.  I have an appointment with the guy I've chosen next week to do the initial stuff with me.  He says between Small son and I, we can get 8 visits on EAP, which is great, that's two months. 

Found out from Small Son today, that "daddy says mean things about me and Ilene".."mommy he hates you", etc...I told him I know it must be hard to talk about his daddy like that, and asked him if he'd like me to get him some counseling, and he actually wanted too.  I visited with him in the car for awhile this morning, and tried to explain the best I could what is happening.  That daddy is sick right now, and that none of this is his fault.  I explained that he needs to trust his gut, and realize what daddy is saying about me is a lie.  He has a good sense of self, and he is highly intuitive, and I'm hoping that part of him will pull him through this with support from me, a good counselor and Ilene and Sissy.  Just try to make as normal of a family as I can for both of them.  It's killing me to see my babies go through this, because their dad is a fucktard. 

I've grown as close as I hope to come to actually hating him.  The only thing I can say, is that he is not seeing how bad he is getting to me.  I'm able to hold it together and not react most of the time.  I may vent to my friends for days, but he's not privileged to this info.

He's not going to be happy with some of my upcoming actions, but I have to protect my kids, and I'm done, so done, worrying about his sorry ass.  I'm done with him, and his sorry poor me behavior.

He calls me the "three hundred pounds pussy sucking lesbian"...well first of all, I'm not even close to 300 lbs, not that it matters.  Second, he's never once stopped to think, my impinging arthritis and god knows what else, has been hampering my movement.  Not to mention the constant stress, the constant fear of him flipping out.  He doesn't care, and never did.  He didn't help me when I was married to him, what makes me think he will help me now?

All he wants to do, when we are actually talking is "bum a few vicodin" from me.  Then he gets mad when I won't give them to him.  I need them for me.  It's a balancing act between my wonderful Doctor and me, and my pain.  Without the pain pills, at times I just can't function.  With them, I can.  I can move and do stuff around the house, go out with the kids to music festivals, and to national parks.  Without them, I'd be in bed crying in my milk.

So back to my topic, "Similarities"'s become clear to me lately, that you really don't know how people are going to react to you, until you tell.  I've told many people now, and all the important players in my life know, and are uber supportive.  The ones that surprised me the most, are my friend Kelly, who I really expected to have a hard time with it, considering her religious bent.  Not so, she has taken my hand, and held it with compassion and love that only a true friend can do.  My friend Lynell is the same...I was so so worried, and all for naught.  She still loves me, and the kids, she may not understand, but she's doing her best to understand and support in a real life way.  There have been a few, one in particular that I am super disappointed in.  This person is in my mommy group, and honestly, I thought we were better friends.  I never in a million years, thought she would diss me this way.  But if you want to know who your friends are, the real ones, tell them you are queer, and watch what happens.  Most of them, have come to the table, pulled up a chair, and said, it's alright, we love you, there is NO issue.  The few that haven't....well I have to let them go.  Another friend of mine, Karen, has dropped me like a hot potato.  I thought for sure, that though she wouldn't understand, she would still support me and love me.  Instead, it's gossip behind my back, and no word from her for months.  This is someone I was very very good friends with, in real life.  Worked with her for several years, etc...

So I guess the similarities I've been pondering lately, are, what is REALLY so different about me?  I still work, I'm still a single mom, I still shop at Walmart, and I still take care of my kids.  On top of that, I deal with the most unpleasant and mean of ex husbands on a daily basis.  I ignore him most of the time, which makes him madder still, but I refuse to sink to his level.
 The best way I can prove to people I'm not a freak, is to just live my life.  Who I love is my business.  It's ceased to be a choice for me any longer.  I've come to realize the choice for me, was loving men.  That was the "choice"...but it was never a good one.  It never felt good.  It never felt free.  It never felt like I was getting my needs met, and it never felt like I really had a partner, of which I totally feel now.  I've never in my life felt so loved and cared for.  So "in this together" I do.

I managed to "come out" to the last two people I wanted too in the last few weeks.  My friend Melissa.  That was a relief of major proportions.  We do things with our kids all the time.  The other person, is the mother of Small Son's best friend.  I took her to lunch, and spilled my guts...she was wonderful, is her husband.  I told her about the drinking and drugs and neglect, and asked if they would mind taking Small Son sometimes when they go on "boy trips", i.e. hiking, fishing, etc.....Scott is the kind of Daddy I wish Brian had.  They both seemed super agreeable to it, and super supportive.  I finally got my head around the fact I needed to ask for help, that it wasn't going to fall on my doorstep.

I've sucked up at work, and just decided to do it his way.  I'm tried of fighting with my boss, and it's causing me nothing but stress.  Since I gave in, started doing things "his" way, life has been much better at work as well.

I'm going to get a new tattoo on my calf, it's going to be similar to the hand Amy Ray has on her arm.  I finally decided it wasn't silly, that it was profound.  She and her music, and the Indigo Girls have pulled me through this for the last almost 5 years.  It's been her I go to for constant after I move into my new house in 3 weeks, I'm going to get myself a house warming present on my fat, ugly calf!




Kat said...

Save those nasty emails. You may need them for ammo later.

CJ said...

Wow, that is just so wrong. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this unacceptable behavior from hubcap. You've come so far in such a short time. This too will pass.

Anonymous said...

You're beautiful, and your life is an inspiration. I'm sorry you're dealing with his crashing downward and trying to take everyone with him. Your strength will carry the day. Blessings to you and your family - your real family.

Earth Muffin said...

I'm sorry he's putting you through this, but your attitude is great! It's really wonderful that you have a support system where you can vent, so that you can put your calm face on for him. Not reacting to his BS gets his goat WAY more than sinking to his level. You go, girl!

(FYI- Mofro has a new album coming out in August...Georgia Warhorse!)

Camlin said...

I am so sorry! Sending positive thoughts and hoping that things will change for the better.