I'm better tonight, and I've calmed down from my day. Kids have a way of bringing you back to "real" life. I went to T-Ball, I talked with friends, and cheered the little boys I've been watching all year play soccer and now T-Ball. I feel at home with these people, they are real to me, and have been uber supportive with the divorce, etc...
Anyway, the purpose of this post is a dream I had last night....
So many dreams I have anymore are surreal, intense, and full of feeling. This one was so hard to wake up from, so hard to leave, and so hard to let go of.
I'm not sure it's even worth going into the details, but the gist of it was that I was having this intense relationship with someone I care about a great deal. We were going from place to place, trying to find a place to stay...to live....and ended up in the city. I'm not sure it was SF..but it felt like SF in the Mission....we kept going to new places, and her ex partner kept following us. I felt bad, I knew she was hurting, and at the same time, I felt so much like I was in the right place, that it was worth the fight to stay there.
This dream, has so many roots. I understand it. I'm not sure I want to explain it, but it really has to do with choosing whether to fight, or let go. I think I need to let go. I feel the need to explore what is around me. To explore new relationships and seek them out. To just date for awhile, have some romance, and connections, and trust that all this fighting I've done for the last two years, is going to reep a reward in my personal life somewhere.
I'm not into getting "paired" up at all right now. I really want to enjoy my own home. I want to be with my kids. I want to feel free to put what I want on the walls, cook what I want for dinner, and watch what I want on the TV. I'm tired of compromising, and I don't really feel like doing it for awhile. I'm sure I will eventually, but I'm so past that place of "needing a partner". In a lot of ways, a partner feels like more trouble than it's worth right now.
So where does that leave me? That leaves me in a place I'd never really thought I'd be. It leaves me looking for friends....real friends....who live close enough to me to share my life in a way that works for me.
I've been exploring the personal adds on one site, and it seems that many of the closest Lezzies to me are either in Salt Lake City, or Calgary. Calgary is actually closer I think, but SLC is a days drive. This appeals to me in every way right now. It appeals to my sense of adventure. It appeals to my independent streak that would absolutely take off and meet someone half way for a romantic weekend. It appeals to me because I might get to meet some people who have a healthy life, women I won't need to "fix". I've been fixing myself for so long now. I want to just have fun. I want to see people to whom my kids won't be baggage, but a sense of fun, like they are too me. My kids rock....they are great little people to hang out with, and I most likely won't include them in anything for awhile, but eventually, I'd like to see how they do. After all, they are not going anywhere, and anything eventually will include them in it.
I have gotten a few emails from one woman, and I have a really good feeling about her. She has a really great life as far as I can tell. An open and happy face. A sense of adventure, and a love of children. She just seems happy and contented and it's a weird feeling to get off of such a few emails. I definitely feel like we could be great friends...and who knows what else.
I'm feeling less and less scared about what the future holds for me in regards to Hubcap. He seems to be getting much easier to deal with on a daily basis. If we can just get the house on the market, I think things will settle down. We have been working on having a good relationship both for us and for the kids. Since we haven't had sex in nearly two years, nor slept in the same bed, we really haven't lost as much as you would think. We are talking more, and he seems as much happier as I feel. I asked him to take the kids tomorrow night, because I took them last Friday night for him, and he agreed. I think we can work with this, I really do. I'm feeling more hopeful about it all the time.
I did a great deal of thinking tonight, and realized I just need to chill about work. No matter what happens, I will be alright. I'm not going to fall through the cracks...I have assets if I need them. I'm not broke nor destitute. Now that the furnishing spending is over, the whip has gone down on the spending. In the end, I came in under budget, even with everything I bought....We are eating cheap, and the kids are eating better than before. Tonight we BBQ'ed hot dogs and had left over fries from the Deli. Little Miss is taking after her Great Grandma Flossie, and turning into a ketchup fiend, wanting ketchup sandwiches...yuck...this has to be coming from my grandma...I can barely stand ketchup.
This weekend I'm going to tackle a big deal thing for me. Finance, 101. I'm going to get my bills on a schedule, and start working on getting online bill paying set up for everything I can. Money is my greatest fear. It can paralyze me in an instant. It can wake me up from a sound sleep with my heart racing and my body sweating. I have to concur this one. It's why I went to work for the State in the first place, so I'd have a secure income, good benefits and a pension to call my own when I retire. I'm going over a speed bump, nothing more.
So there you have it, late night ramblings from a former Old Crone who should by all accounts be in bed.