Thursday, July 30, 2009

Dreadful Day

This has been a perfectly horrible day at work. I'm in trouble. My boss has decided that I am to be put on "corrective action" because I didn't meet a deadline. I didn't meet it, the thing is, I've never had a deadline from him that wasn't flexible. He gave me all this work to do, on top of my regular work while he was on vacation. I got most of it done, but between taking time off to move, and getting more daily work than normal, I didn't get it done before he got back. I thought, no biggie, I'll have it done before he comes out of his office. Well evidently it was a BIGGIE....

Plus I made a stupid mistake on a calculation, and he found that on my desk while he was rummaging through it while I was out sick with Little Miss last week. I'm so mad, I can't see straight. I sit there, and I work and work. I rarely take breaks, but it boils down to me not being a suck up I think. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. This really isn't THAT big of a deal with the state, they put it in your file and after a few months they take it out again. But I hate it. I hate hate hate it. I want to have a tantrum, and I have no time off to do that right now.

I feel alone, and scared and all of this is on my shoulders, even heavier than it was before. I have this new life, I need to be able to pay for it. I'm mad because he knows how hard the last few months have been for me, and instead of giving me an inch when I need it, he stabs me in the back. He even told me today, "I don't know what happened, everything was fine, then it wasn't". I said, well what happened is my "personal life went to shit" and he said, "that's no excuse". I said to him, "I'm not making excuses, but that is what happened."

OK..so Breathe Mon...Breathe......take a deep breath.

I'm not sure I like this alone feeling. I still see hubby, and it's hard for me not to cling on to him when I'm hurting. I have absolutely no one here to help me except him. I'm having a pity party of the hugest proportions right now. It's a big scary world, and even bigger and scarier with little kids on your own.

I am having the hardest of time even talking about this, and I'm making myself write about it before I bury it down deep, and ignore it.

To add insult to injury, I waited all day for the "letter", and he didn't give it to me. I got so sick to my stomach at work, my IBS acted up for the first time in a long time. He walked out, told me
"goodbye", I said, "I'll see you tomorrow" and he said, "If I'm here, my back hurts"....so he's just going to drag out the torture even more. My gut is telling me he doesn't want to put me on this, but his boss is making him, because his boss is the one that gave me such a wicked hard time when he was on vacation.

I just need to get out of there, and I've been planning on it, I just wanted to get the move, and divorce over with first, now I'm being backed in a corner again. When is this shit ever going to end???? Just when I started feeling like I could breathe again, I get hit in the gut with this shit...

Oh well...have to meet Hubcap (As "C" so aptly named him for me) at Small Son's T-Ball game, it's the last game of the season and we get the medals and photo's tonight...

I'll probably write more tonight...

M

4 comments:

latenightlatte said...

there's a reason this is happening. you've been remarkably strong. i'd say take it as a sign and make it work for you.

C said...

it does sound like you had a really shitty day. i am sorry, M. i remember when i was first on my own with the 4 kidlets, i didnt realise how much responsibility i would feel and have on my shoulders alone. try to remind yourself every single day, perhaps several times a day when needed, that you ARE enough, that GOOD things will come your way, that you and the kiddies are SAFE... and remember that you are very capable of handling anything that comes your way. look at what you have been through already. you ARE strong enough to face ANYTHING. it does feel scary, but as time goes on, you will feel stronger and more confident... if you need to cling to hubcap temporarily and you are comfortable doing so, then by all means, do. nothing is black or white right or wrong. as women making changes we go through each day the best we can... a tender moment with a friend/ex DOES NOT mean you have failed or slipped or anything bad. it just means for that moment you had your need met. it will not take away from all of your hard work to be free. 2 steps forward, one step back.
as for your asshole boss, he is really being very judgemental and not having any compassion or empathy for what you have been going through. geeeeez everyone makes a mistake here and there. could it be a sign for you to start looking elsewhere for work? and dont worry about being written up, it will get pulled from your file and fuck them all, you are doing the best you can. right now your kids and your life comes first.

i used to put affirmations up all over the house to remind me i would be alright and that for today, i am exactly where i am supposed to be. so i pass that onto you, friend. everything is as it should be. its how you react to it that will make the difference. BE STRONG. BE OF GOOD COURAGE. YOU HAVE THE POWER. YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK. do what you need to do and dont let yourself have any ill feelings. remember, you and hubcap will always love eachother, as friends now. i will keep you in my prayers and if you need to talk more you have my email.

hugs,

chris

Avril Fleur said...

I'm sorry you had such a crappy day. I'm sending good day vibes to you from Canada for today and for the weekend! One thing at a time my friend, one thing at a time. After all you've gone through in the last couple of months, with all the changes happening at warp speed with the separation and the move, the last thing you need to worry about is your job. When I was stuck in my crappy job I used to say a little mantra on my way to work each day, which really helped me. I used to say, "Thank you God for protecting me from all negativiy this day and allowing only positivity, love and light into my awareness." I did this while envisioning myself wrapped in a protective bubble, which would repel and shield me from any negativity throughout the day. Believe it or not, it actually worked and people who had previously been a thorn in my side just sort of "went away" or stopped being annoying. I also like to repeat the mantra "I live a charmed life, in a friendly universe." And more often than not now a days, things do seem to go more my way, just by believing they will. I'm not saying it's the cure-all for all of life's ills, but if there are ways we can make it from moment to moment without letting life get us down, hey, I'm all for that! Anyway, sending good "work vibes" to you for today!!

Dragon said...

That really sucks about your day but it does seem employers are being harder then usual on employees. Keep going and keep your head up. :-)