Monday, August 24, 2009

3:00 AM

I can't sleep. It's 3:AM and I still haven't been able to go to sleep. I went to bed, and just couldn't go to sleep. I tried watching TV...I tried turning off the TV....I tossed and turned, and so finally I gave in and got up. Then I got this weird craving for salad, so I made myself a salad with vinaigrette dressing. I looked up "craving vinegar on Google, and found it is a symptom of being low in potassium.

Go figure, I was completely depleted in the hospital, they were giving me 8 horse pills a day, and IV supplements of it, so I'm sure that is what that craving is for. I'm not going to sweat it. The only real thing on my agenda tomorrow is to take the kids to school and go to lunch with my friend.

I can sleep it off tomorrow afternoon. I just don't want to go into a night owl cycle, but I'm afraid it's inevitable. I take a pill for sleep, and I took that tonight and a Valium, and still couldn't sleep, and I'm not willing to take anymore. My mind doesn't want to go to bed.

My nerves are raw, I feel on edge, and I'm not sure why. I mean, other than the obvious reasons. I think I feel scared. Sometimes I feel like I'm faking my real life. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Tonight I was watching "House Hunters" and I got this strange ghost memory of this one house my mom and dad bought when I was eight. It was an amazing old house, and I still dream of it often. I just remembered crawling through the bamboo in the yard, climbing the tree's, and how big my bedroom was.

I remember the living room, and the bay window it had, and how much I really loved that house. It had a weird breakfast nook, and this "candy striped" shag carpet in the dining room that my mom picked out because it "wouldn't show the stains". I remember boiling eggs and letting the explode on accident in the kitchen because I had forgotten about them, and didn't know they would explode. I remember the tiny little bathroom off the laundry room, and the very cool old bathroom with attached dressing room. It was all so clear, almost like I could smell it.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, except that it was a nice comforting memory.

I really do feel scared. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for the kids. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for myself, all I know is I feel myself dying in my job, in a very literal way. I could have easily died this week, I was that sick. Last Saturday night, when I was lying in my bed, immobile I was really scared that was what was going to happen. I remember calling Hubcap and telling him I really was scared, I couldn't move and I was having chest pains. I kept telling me to relax, and to call him if I needed him. All the while I kept thinking, I did call you dumbass......

As hard as the last two years have been, there was a certain security in not being alone. This feels harder. It feels good, but this week it has felt so much harder. It brought home the fact that I am alone, that I have to do things on my own. Hubcap has been super helpful, but it's not the same thing. I keep telling myself this is of my own making, it really is. It's learning to live with the decisions an the ramifications of those decisions.




Dragon said...

I think it will take time to get use to it all. But if you are happier then you were before (from the blogs it seems you are) then you are headed in the right direction.

MakingSpace said...

I'm sorry you've been so sick. Be gentle with yourself. You are forging a new life. You can't get it wrong. May you feel supported as you recover.

C said...

i sure do hope your illness leaves you soon and quickly. but i too believe everything happens for a reason and maybe you really needed some down time to allow you to take a look at your job, your life, etc... and you did. i know that scared feeling as i had it too and sometimes still do. i went from my mothers house right into my marriage, i had never lived or done it on my own before until my divorce and it was scary as i had the 4 little ones. but it was also that fear that drove me to do those things in my life that i needed to do such as put myself through college, and just keep going everyday. it was either DO or DIE. so some fear can be a good thing. you will eventually feel secure in your life again, as long as you keep believing you are worthy, whole, and deserve all the best life has to offer. because you do, and you will give those things to yourself. embrace the fear, acknowledge that you are on the right path, and that all in your world will be blessed and good.
courage is when you are scared but you go ahead and do it anyway.
you have courage.
you will be great!