Sunday, August 23, 2009

Late in Life....

I'm sitting on my couch this morning, with Little Miss all cuddled up to me watching "Ni Hao Kai Lan", and thinking that much of my life really is starting mid-life. I had my first child when I was 38, 2nd at 41. I moved to a new state for the first time when I was 41. I discovered I was lesbian at 43, and finally got on with the business of getting my life straight (no pun intended) then. I'm still not done. At 45, I have the first home that really feels like "home" to me in my entire life. I've never had a nice place to live, where it was just me calling the shots....and paying the bills....

Regardless, fixing it up with my taste, buying my kids a computer and not feeling guilty about it, and so on...it's so new for me. Life has always been such a struggle for me, but more of an outer struggle. I don't think I'd choose to go back to a younger age, even if I could at this point. I feel like "me".

I just have to learn to deal with my work life right now, that is my single biggest challenge. I will get there, and I'm not too terribly worried about it since I decided I'm going back to school. Maybe I should be more worried, but I believe the universe will take care of us. I believe I got sick for some other reason, if not just to have some time to sit and contemplate the skies and flowers, and rain for a bit. If you don't take a break when you need it, your body will make you take a break. That's one lesson that's always been true for me. This time my body did it in a big way, which means there are big changes to come. I need to gather my strength and find my strength..and pray my house sells quickly. When it sells, I will have a lot more freedom to do what I need to do.

I'm going to begin the application process for the Tech school here in town for spring. I'm also going to start looking for a new job that will allow me to work, and go to school.

That's all for now....

M

3 comments:

MakingSpace said...

So cool - I'm glad you're feeling better, and I was thinking that somehow that fever might be burning off some old stuff. The body does detox... Congrats on the Tech school application process!

CJ said...

That is awesome Blu. I know you are going to do well. I am happy and excited for you!

C said...

i ditto everything you just said. i too didnt finally 'grow up' until my late forties and ya know what- 45 is the new 25. i'm 53 which is the new 33. hahahaha but better late than never, and it took everything you and i had lived through up to that moment to help us see the truth about ourselves and what really matters. and you're just beginning to discover all that life can be for you if you follow your truth. waaaaaaaaay to go, SISTAH from anudder mistah!

c