Sunday, August 9, 2009

Breaking Down The Walls

I have to write this quickly before I chicken out of writing it at all.

I think I just mentally broke through a huge wall. I just chose life. "CHOOSE LIFE", do you all remember that shirt that was so popular in the 80's...that George Michael used to wear?



I decided while eating a bowl of ice cream and listening to my kids cry because they don't want to go to bed, that I refuse to work and live in a way that makes me miserable. I'm done with it, tired of it.

I just decided that I am going to go back to school. This time for something that matters to me, that means something to me, and that will hold me. I want to learn graphic design and web-design. It sounds crazy to me, because I've been bent on working for the state, and making my way that way, but it just came to me, if I live my life like this I will die an early death of boredom and misery.

I'm sick of this town. I'm sick of my job, and I'm sick of worrying about it. I'm going to use the money I get when I sell the house to jump...take a leap of faith and jump the direction I should have jumped 100 years ago.

I will not be scared anymore. I will not be held hostage to a miserable man's moods. I want to learn how to do something that will thrill me, and I am going to get there.

I'm naturally very good at computer stuff. I love it. I spend all my time on it. Why not make my living doing this? Maybe I won't be as secure, but I don't feel secure now. I feel trapped, hated and miserable. I am going to get myself out of this fucking hellish mental mess if it kills me.

I'm going to see what is offered here, if not here, somewhere else. I've decided I will not, Hubcap or no Hubcap live my life in a place I hate....

I am not going to be held hostage to him wanting to live here, and me hating it.

It's funny, this time last year, I was planning my escape.....

Now I feel like I'm planning my second escape...my real escape.....

As much as I do like it here, and think it's a good place to raise kids, I know that I need to be more urban to be happy. I'm going to take my time, learn how to make a good living, and put my creative juices to work for me....

I'm going to investigate where I want to live, and then I'm going to live there. If it means letting go of everything I own to get there, I'm going to do it. This is all of the sudden giving my a feeling of hope I haven't felt in so very long.

I've always done the things I thought I was supposed to do. I've always been trapped by either indecision or bad decisions...this feels right.

I don't want to move back to CA....but somewhere, more urban, more middle, not so far away from everything.

Maybe it's time to explore the east coast. I have a zillion wonderful friends there...maybe I need to finish out my life on that side of the country, somewhere.

I guess...step one is making the decision huh?

If I choose to live authentically, and go with my true nature, happiness is sure to follow...this is my thinking. I am not going to do anything anymore that dampens and denigrates my spirit. I will be strong, I will follow my dreams....I can still do this, I am NOT too old.

The other thing, I want to live in a place where not only can I be out, easily, but I can be by the sea. I'm tired of missing the sea. The mountains are OK...but I'm a sea creature..I need the water, I need to hear the fog horns and feel the mist. I need to smell the salt air, and see the blue sky...

Ask anyone that has known me and they will tell you this is so.

I'm sailing back to the sea....

M

10 comments:

MakingSpace said...

OMG! You are going to sail! YouTube the song Send Me a Song by Celtic Woman. You'll get chills. Oh jeez this post is amazing! I'm in such a dreamtime space myself right now, how beautiful to see your dream pop to the surface!

Rebecca said...

Good for you!!! Hey, be sure to apply here for financial aid, you will be surprised and maybe get a Pell grant, I did and I pay 0 for tuition and books: http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/
this is the real, no spam site link all you do is fill it out and list the colleges and they send them the info and award letter then it is paid to the school you actually go to. Now granted I am low income, but they take all kinds of things into account on that.
Good luck and go for it girl!!!

C said...

awwww M, your wings are spreading and getting stronger! you are going to be flying in no time! i love that song southern cross, its one of my faves too. you sound so strong, motivated, and on a mission. you have taken your power back and you can do ANYTHING you wish to do. GO FOR IT! go for whatever your heart desires. it's time to start living your life for you, no one else. the kidlets are still young enough to flourish where ever you may go and do. if you do what your heart desires and what makes you happy, they will be nourished by it. if you fill your cup up it will overflow into theirs.

way to go, M.


C

C said...

PS.

i was going to also mention that i too am a water person. im a scorpio so that's probably why but i am drawn to water, always have been. i feel my best in or around water. water brings me peace, meditation, and philisophical thoughts. [cant spell that word today]

c

Earth Muffin said...

Good for you and good luck to you!

I love that song.

sandy shoes said...

East coast, did I hear East coast? Ocean?

Cape Cod is lovely... not a lot of good jobs available though. If I am ever single again I think I would have to leave here.

I think you would LOVE the college towns of western Massachusetts. I get homesick for that area, myself.

maxine said...

Please be sure to read all the custody papers carefully before signing to be sure hubcap won't be able to insist you not remove the kidlets from the area...

Brad said...

"I'm sailing back to the sea...." ttle!

OK, east coast is nice too.

I think the example your setting for the kids, by following your heart and letting nothing stand in your way is worth as much as an ivy league diploma in thier lifes education.

cctjt said...

Oh. My. God. We are twins separated at birth. At least in some ways! I finally found a job I like -- I'm working in graphic design and it's awesome. I hate, hate, hate living in the desert. About ten years ago I remember standing on the shore in Aurora, Oregon and telling those around me that I always want to live by BIG water. There's something so freeing about the ocean...like you get a perspective on how big the world really is.
Trapped by what you're supposed to do, indecision and bad decisions??? My life on a platter.
And quite often I've felt too old to pursue some of my dreams.
I think you've sent a little inspiration my way.
So glad you chose to share....

CCT

Camlin said...

go for it! You need to live your life for yourself - do what makes you happy.