Sunday, October 4, 2009

What, No Fall?

It's cold today...brrrrrr....feels like snow and my feet are cold. I think it may be a spaghetti night at home...

I've been having such a hard time blogging lately, I think it's because I've just been flat out exhausted between the kidlets and the hell I call work. It's been pretty stressful the last few weeks...not to mention having company for basically two straight weeks (no pun intended).

So this morning, I got up again rather late, and made my way to my favorite coffee house. Not sure what the difference is between here and home except a few dollars, but whatever it makes me feel much better to get out of the house.

I slept nearly all day yesterday, I don't think I climbed out of bed until nearly 3:30pm.

I'm sitting here listening to this bimbo talk about her bikini though, so it's throwing off my sense of peace, and since I'm syncing my iPod with my new Macbook, I can't drown her out. Bikini's and "ritzy" areas are what she is talking about to some middle aged couple, like they are interviewing her to be their "2nd" wife, probably all under the guise of "church"...Ok...Mon..you are being mean, but it's so annoying, I want to take my bagel plate and throw it at her fugly blond teased hair.

Last night I watched the movie "Desert Hearts" for the first time. A new friend I met on Curves Online a few months ago, sent me a few of her favorite movies, and I fell in love with this one. Thank you J...I love loved it....it reminded me of the desert I grew up in. I know it's probably old news for most of you, but if you haven't seen it, it's worth a watch. It reminded me a lot of one of my other favorite movies, "Bagdad Cafe", both slow sultry movies with great music set in the desert. Of course I'm a sucker for any movie with music by Patsy Cline...

I've been thinking today, after an email from a good friend, about joy...where do you find it, and how do you keep it? She said there are some of us out there that find the joy in small things, like a good cup of coffee and not having dogshit on our feet. So true..you have to grab the little moments as they show up. Grasp a them and not let go. I know I find the most joy in my life from my kids.

From snuggling with Little Miss, digging my face in her blond curls and drinking in her smell. From hugging small son. He gives the best hugs, and looks at me with that look that I only get from him. I had my life, then at almost 40, I got my "real" life. I'm not sure that sounds good, but it's how I feel. I had a fairly nice life with lots of friends before 40, but it was when I had my kids, that I really learned how to love, how to give of myself and not have any expectations of getting it back...

Now I have to find a way to keep the joy, in the midst of everything else..

This place is getting crowded and busy and I like the noise, I still wish my iPod would finish syncing though...

I feel like I need to just keep writing, keep moving forward. Keep looking for peace and joy....I refuse to turn into a staid, old woman....

My joy at this moment is listening to Amy Ray....it always is actually....the Indigo Girls are the single thing that has kept me really moving through this transition...giving me the strength to move ahead.....when I start waffling, I think about my crush on Ms. Ray....keeps me running towards the rainbow.



I've posted this song before, but honestly, I can't quit listening to it. It is me right now...especially the part where she sings....

"It's been a warm winter and a cold spring, everywhere I've been has felt wrong to me.
So put your head on my heart and lay down in the crook of my arm.
Everything's okay, I've been found again, I've been found again."

This part just gets to me, over and over and over.....magic lyrics in my soul....

M

2 comments:

latenightlatte said...

The first time you watch Desert Hearts... yeah, that's coming out phase 42 or something. And running toward a rainbow is pretty powerful antidote to those fears of becoming a staid old woman.

Ang said...

Remember it is the small things try to find joy in them. The song is beautiful thanks for sharing. chin up.