Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Honesty Is So Hard....Being Authentic is Even Harder...

I can't seem to find my voice, and don't understand why it's so hard for me. It's never hard for me to write, or at least, it's not usually hard for me. Writing has always been my mainstay. My touchstone so to speak.

I'm swimming through the waves. I'm getting stronger, even as my knee and leg pain consumes me. I constantly worry about becoming addicted to pain killers. If you have ever had chronic pain, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Take this little pill, and be able to function, or don't take it and hurt like hell. When I hurt, I get nothing done. I have to think about what can I really do today. Sit too long I hurt, stand too long I hurt. I'm tired of this. I do okay most days, but this has been a hard week managing my pain.

I am terrified of taking too much and becoming addicted so I choose not too. When I do give in and take the vicodin, it's a sigh of relief for a brief time. It's time I can rest, and not hurt.

But that choice, limits my options. Right now I am sitting up in bed, at 4:30am, because my legs were hurting so much. So not only am I having pain, I am losing sleep which I'm sure will make the pain worse tomorrow.

Twice this week, the pain was so unmanageable, I had to take pain pills at work. I never do that. I'm about ready to throw in the towel and hit the doctor again. I've been trying to avoid it, but I fear I'm going to have to face it. I worry I have lupus or fibroM. I have good friends with both. Neither is a road I want to travel, so I avoid it all together.

But honestly, sometimes the physical pain I'm in just overtakes everything in my life. I am strong though. I have faith I will make the right choices. I have faith I will hold it together and take care of my babies.

This is all on the heals of watching hubcap fall deeper into his addictions. I know he's drinking a lot. I feel it. He always smells of wine. When I come home from work and he's here with the kids waiting for me to get home, there is always a glass of wine going. I made him buy it this time. I'm tired of wanting to have an occasional glass myself and it being gone because he keeps drinking it all.

I elected this week to start hiring a sitter one night a week. Tonight she came over and I went to Walmart. I was able to just relax. Not worry about what time I "had" to be home because hubcap was expecting me. I get my Wednesday's...where he makes them dinner. But he has them home by 7pm...and I don't get off work until 5pm...not much time for weekly shopping, gas getting, dinner, and maybe five minutes of "me" time.

I'm hooking up this weekend with an old friend from HS. He is driving here, and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this. He is in the middle of a separation too, so he's been very lonely. That being said, it's been wonderful talking to someone from home. Someone who knows both the town I grew up in, and my chosen home, SF. He lived in the bay area for as long as I did. His point of references are the same as mine. He also has small children, which is huge when it comes to understanding my life.

He is smart, funny and conservative. How is it I always end up being friends with conservatives? In all honesty, I think he's a secret liberal hiding in a conservative facade.

I've fought with myself about this, because in spite of it all, I feel this weird attraction. I haven't wanted to blog about this. I haven't wanted to say after all my work, I'm feeling this other thing going on. It's taking all my bravery here folks to blog about this.

I talked about this in therapy this week, and D really helped me understand that my feelings about people are fluid. I don't have to adhere to anything. I can make a new friend of the opposite sex and not have it threaten my sexuality. I am the sexual being I am. I know I want my next life partner to be a woman. I also know that right now, at this moment in my life, I want to play. I want to have fun, with no strings. I want to be selfish and do what I want.

She even said that if something sexual happened, it's all a learning experience, and that I need to trust in the fluidity of my movement. I appreciate her so much. It's been so rewarding to have a therapist who is an out lesbian, who didn't come out until her 50's. She totally gets me on a level that most people haven't been able too. She is objective, helpful, and insightful.

On the other hand, I met a woman at work I'm insanely attracted too. It's a nowhere situation, she's consumed with "finding a man".....but at the same time, I find her rather large curvacious body so much like my own terribly attractive, her long hair very attractive, and her slight southern accent charming. I'm willing to play. I wonder if she is??? She seems to mill around me an awful lot, so I can't help but wonder, you know?

Navigating my way through male relationships at this point is something I need to learn. The last years have been about navigating my way through my female relationships...finding my way...trusting that I am who I am. I told someone this week that I was gay, and it was someone I hadn't intended on telling.

Guess what? She asked me what it was like. She told me she was almost leaning there herself. This is someone super important to me, who is in my mommy group, who I've known for 7 years. This is someone conservative. But we have this base together. We have this common place of learning to be mom's together, having marriages to husbands that consistently let us down. The level of trust I have with my friend Carrie is so huge, and it was super freeing for me to tell her and have her accept me.

So I'm going to meet my new friend this weekend with an open heart and no expectations. I'm going to trust that I will meet my own needs in whatever way is right. It's all about trusting yourself isn't it?

Off to try to get another two hours of sleep.



Camlin said...

Your therapist is very wise. It is fluid. And you deserve to have some fun.

Moving forward is hard, and you're doing wonderfully.

I hope you can find some pain relief.

Dragon said...

I would suggest seeing someone about the pain. I know what you mean. I avoided seeing someone because they kept mis diagnosing me. But now that I am seeing someone and now I know what I have, he can give me meds that manage the pain. It is not completely gone put it is more tolerable then being off the meds. And the meds are something I take every day so it isn't like I am getting addicted to them. I have both Lupus and RA so I understand having constant pain but there is a way to make it more tolerable. Seeing a doc might be your best bet and relieves a lot of the worries. Just sayin

Earth Muffin said...

You do deserve some fun and I hope you can let yourself go enough to have some.

And it may be time to talk with your doctor about your pain. I know you're nervous about what may be found out, but not knowing is worse, no?

Be happy, OC.

MakingSpace said...

There is so much possibility out in the world, and your openness to it all is inspiring. I wish you relief from the physical pain.

C said...

first of all, please go see a dr. about the pain, something is causing it and different meds might help without making you drowsy and feel like you'll become addicted!

number 2... you are who you are. whatever that may be. the fact that you are open to whatever, and following your heart, will bring you closer to being happy, and you deserve that.


Grumpy Granny said...

Yoga, chiropractic, meditation and reiki can all help with/control pain, but first you have to find out what is causing it. If you can get to the root cause, then you can find modalities to help along with pain meds. And don't forget that any kind of imbalance in your life will often manifest itself as physical symptoms. This is NOT saying "it's all in your head" but that your body KNOWS when things are not "right". Allow your body to tell you what it needs.

Be well,