Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Coldly...Bitterly......Me

It's been a long time since I've felt like writing. Lately my head has just been going in circles. So much has happened, I'm not even going to try to do a recap at this point. Suffice it to say, I'm more certain than ever that I'm on the right path.

Little Miss killed my Macbook about three weeks ago. It sucked...bad. My brand new MacBook Pro...shattered LED screen....fixable, but very expensive fix and I'm not really sure that she didn't break the hard drive as well. She pulled it off my dresser, boom....perfume bottle fell on it, dented the "unibody" and shattered the internal LED screen.

So now I'm the not so proud owner of a new Dell Inspirion computer. I couldn't afford to replace my beloved, not yet, so I'm muddling through, trying to be grateful to the universe that I even had the option to get another laptop.

I've been having a hard time lately, I feel like I've entered into the second phase of "who am I"? Am I really gay? Or am I Bi?? Or does it matter? How do I define myself? It's hard to blog about for sure.

It seems as if I have opened a book that now I'm not sure how to read.

The positive thing is though, I have a real live date this weekend. Yeah me! I really like this woman a lot. I met her online and she lives in MT, albeit quite some distance from me, but what's a drive?? I'm excited to meet her. I don't know what to wear....

I'm going to work on writing more. I don't want to use this space as my complain zone though, and that's how I've felt in the last month. Feelings hurt, feeling defensive, and feeling like I want to lash out...make things explode....tell people that I'm not cool with certain actions.

My kids have been a challenge to say the least, my house hasn't even had a nibble and I'm thinking of getting a house mate. We'll see. I did get my Xmas tree up, and decorated, and most of the outside decorations are up, but it's been to cold to finish that.

It's bitterly cold here in Montana tonight. I glanced out my bedroom window, with my little ones in my bed, (they snuck in here, as I've been working on getting them to sleep on their own), and it was like a constant stream of smoke signals. Now when I lived up on the hill, I never saw this, maybe because there were not many houses around mine. But here, in my town-home, I'm surrounded. Smoke streams everywhere I look. It's a strange sight for sure.

Slowly and surely I'm making my way in the world. I'm going to do exactly what I want from here on out, as long as it doesn't hurt someone else. I'm in exploratory mode. Tactile mode. Single mode....whatever....whenever....

M

3 comments:

Dragon said...

Hold strong and labels are not important.

Kel said...

It's funny you posted this -- I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you are. We haven't seen you in quite awhile. Keep your chin up! Dragon is right. Labels are not important, as long as you're being true to yourself - that's all that matters... :)

Mama Llama said...

That is right. And exploratory mode is perfect. Good for you!!
Be well, Mon!
p.s. I'm BACK!