My head is spinning.
I found out by way of a wayward email today just what Hubcap has been saying about me. I'm beyond hurt. Beyond mortified that he is telling what he is telling, and pissed as hell. I am staying here, in the frozen north so the kids can be close to him, and he's telling tales so tall the Jolly Green Giant couldn't get to the top of them...
Really though, I'm just having a hard time period. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of insanity sometimes. The only thing that keeps me sane are the kids. They keep me focused and moving forward. Then I think..the thing that is driving me insane is this place...or I should say the lack of community here. I'm not sure I'd be any better off anywhere else either. I think I'm just going through a hard time...period.
I want to like it here, but this cold is getting to me. We've just started into winter and I'm already feeling done with it. Then I think...I'm miserable in the heat of the summer here as well. I want to be coastal again, but I'm not convinced that is really the answer either. A huge part of me knows I need to make peace with me...no matter where I am. I need to learn not to let things matter so much to me.
In this email today...I was called a "cold hearted bitch, who walked away with 80 grand after getting him to pay off my student loans and credit card bills...OMG....what the fuck...how is that possible that he even believes that. He knows I don't have 80 grand...he totally lied...fucking bold faced lied. He's lying to everyone about what happened, what I've done and what he has and has not done. He only wants to be daddy when it suits him.
When am I going to go postal on him and tell him just what a fucktard he really is?? Maybe he knows this, in fact I'm sure he does. He knows me. He knows I didn't take advantage of him, but he also has no explanation about why I left him other than turning me into the bitch from hell who only wants money. If that's the case, then why do I only have less than a grand in my checking account now??? I just want out of this whole thing.
I want to feel good again. I have moments when I do. When I'm around my real friends and I know that they know me, and know that I'm not a monster, that I'm a good mother.
You know, I'm just flat out tired. I need a break, I need a vacation. I don't even get my long weekend over New Years because he "has to work"...so that means I have to keep the kids on Friday....I know I'm letting him do this. I also know that if I don't take my kids, it puts them in a precarious place that I'm not willing to let them be in. It's a hard circle to get my head around. Just how much to I not cooperate, and then let them be at his mercy with his drunken stoned moods.
I'm not willing to put my babies there in that place, even at my own expense. So I hire a sitter once a week so I can have some "me" time...then he hassles me about that. He doesn't get it.
It's been so hard for me to write. I don't know were I am.
I just want it to not be so hard all the time. I want to have a week, to wake up, sleep in, and rest. I want to go to the beach.
More than likely I will continue working every day...rising at 5:30am and going to bed at 1:00am. I need to sleep but can't. I've let my kids move into my bed with me because we all need the cuddle time.
The reality of being a single parent with two small children weighs heavily on me most of the time. I know he is around some, but it's never really anything that helps me, or that I can count on.
I'm sorry this is so long and blubbery..but I've felt like I need to start writing and right now this is what is coming out of me.
It sort of amazes me that this is harder than it was when I was living with him, but in a different way. The only difference is that now I have momentary lapses of pure joy at times...but they are short lived to say the least, but at least my friends....they are there now.