Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Brain Freeze

My head is spinning.

I found out by way of a wayward email today just what Hubcap has been saying about me. I'm beyond hurt. Beyond mortified that he is telling what he is telling, and pissed as hell. I am staying here, in the frozen north so the kids can be close to him, and he's telling tales so tall the Jolly Green Giant couldn't get to the top of them...

Breathe...deep breath......

Really though, I'm just having a hard time period. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of insanity sometimes. The only thing that keeps me sane are the kids. They keep me focused and moving forward. Then I think..the thing that is driving me insane is this place...or I should say the lack of community here. I'm not sure I'd be any better off anywhere else either. I think I'm just going through a hard time...period.

I want to like it here, but this cold is getting to me. We've just started into winter and I'm already feeling done with it. Then I think...I'm miserable in the heat of the summer here as well. I want to be coastal again, but I'm not convinced that is really the answer either. A huge part of me knows I need to make peace with matter where I am. I need to learn not to let things matter so much to me.

In this email today...I was called a "cold hearted bitch, who walked away with 80 grand after getting him to pay off my student loans and credit card bills...OMG....what the is that possible that he even believes that. He knows I don't have 80 grand...he totally lied...fucking bold faced lied. He's lying to everyone about what happened, what I've done and what he has and has not done. He only wants to be daddy when it suits him.

When am I going to go postal on him and tell him just what a fucktard he really is?? Maybe he knows this, in fact I'm sure he does. He knows me. He knows I didn't take advantage of him, but he also has no explanation about why I left him other than turning me into the bitch from hell who only wants money. If that's the case, then why do I only have less than a grand in my checking account now??? I just want out of this whole thing.

I want to feel good again. I have moments when I do. When I'm around my real friends and I know that they know me, and know that I'm not a monster, that I'm a good mother.

You know, I'm just flat out tired. I need a break, I need a vacation. I don't even get my long weekend over New Years because he "has to work" that means I have to keep the kids on Friday....I know I'm letting him do this. I also know that if I don't take my kids, it puts them in a precarious place that I'm not willing to let them be in. It's a hard circle to get my head around. Just how much to I not cooperate, and then let them be at his mercy with his drunken stoned moods.

I'm not willing to put my babies there in that place, even at my own expense. So I hire a sitter once a week so I can have some "me" time...then he hassles me about that. He doesn't get it.

It's been so hard for me to write. I don't know were I am.

I just want it to not be so hard all the time. I want to have a week, to wake up, sleep in, and rest. I want to go to the beach.

More than likely I will continue working every day...rising at 5:30am and going to bed at 1:00am. I need to sleep but can't. I've let my kids move into my bed with me because we all need the cuddle time.

The reality of being a single parent with two small children weighs heavily on me most of the time. I know he is around some, but it's never really anything that helps me, or that I can count on.

I'm sorry this is so long and blubbery..but I've felt like I need to start writing and right now this is what is coming out of me.

It sort of amazes me that this is harder than it was when I was living with him, but in a different way. The only difference is that now I have momentary lapses of pure joy at times...but they are short lived to say the least, but at least my friends....they are there now.



Camlin said...

I know this is a tough road for you. I've been there - and in some ways I am there. My ex and I are on good terms, he's great as a father, and we share custody 50-50 which gives us both what we need. And he's never had to lie about our separation....but...and this is a big thing for me...I've never really liked the city I live in. I'm having a hard time connecting with people here. Most of my friends live in a nearby city - a city that's far more liberal, where there seem to be a lot of lesbians, where the attitudes and values of the community more closely reflect my own. Yet, I'm electing to stay here, at least until Emily is older, for her sake. Because this is the only home she's known. Because she needs to be physically close to both parents while she is so young. I get all of that, and yet it's hard some days.

I don't think there's much you can do about the rumor mill, except to continue to live your life with integrity, and love your children as much as you can...if we lived closer, you could just drop them by for a visit, while you went out to get the time you need. That time is important. I'm sure it is harder for you right now, but I hope you soon begin to reap the rewards of your new, independent life.

Kat said...

He trashes you because he needs somw way to absolve himself of any responsibility in the break up. Most people see through this crap. I know its difficult, but try to rise above it for the sake of the kids. I would give it awhile and see if he comes around, or see if he's trashing you to the kids. If so, thats totally unacceptable.

Earth Muffin said...

You do not need to apologize to your readers for your "blubbering". This blog is YOUR space to write what you want/need to write. We keep coming back because we care about you and want to read what you write. Always remember that.

Hubcap is a fucktard. (He he, that word always makes me giggle just a bit!) And there's nothing you can do about it. You deserve the sitter so you can have some "me" time. Don't ever let him feel guilty about that, and don't let him start backing out of his weekends on a regular basis. Do what you need to do to keep the kids safe, but hold him accountable as well. This will become a pattern with him if you let it, so don't let it.

I think you're right that a change of scenery will not necessarily fix how you're feeling. It's a process you need to go through. Just hang in there...the best is yet to come.

And, HEY, how come we readers haven't heard about that date yet?!

maxine said...

When I was going through this I would have forwarded the email to him and ask him flat out how he could be so hateful and slanderous toward the mother of his children. Maybe even refute his lies point by point and send it to everyone in my address file that he might have emailed in such a way.

Now that I am removed from that sort of thing, I might be able to let it go. I think I would at the very least have to mention it to him and let him know I was disappointed in the choices he has mede in regard to lying to people about me.

makingspacethejourneyout said...

Hey Mon, glad you're posting again! I'm sorry Hubcap is being turdy. Given that he's in a pretty advanced state of addiction, I'd venture a guess that he's not writing or speaking sober... drunk/stoned ramblings are assaholic, but not to be taken seriously.

Sending hugs for your winter and yourself. Be good to yourself, don't let him get to ya. Don't confuse the great guy he is in his right mind with the asshat who lets his life be run by addiction.