Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A Day...or a Week In My Life
Goodness it's late. I've tried to go to sleep. I did in fact go to sleep, on my couch. I called my girl to say goodnight when I woke up, then went to bed. Now the fun begins. I wake up and can't sleep. I clock watch. I dread going to work tomorrow.
I feel like I live a half life. Half real, half holding back. I'm not sure when I'm going to find the courage to finally break through the walls I need too. I had no idea this process, this coming out process would take me literally years. That I'd need to have a final experiment with a man. That I'd fall in love the first time I reached out to someone.
My mind wanders in a million directions, and I really feel like I need some time off to just process it all.
I have made many decisions this year. Who do I tell, when do I tell, do I even need to tell? Is it any of so and so's business who I sleep with? But if I don't tell, does that mean I'm "hiding"? All questions to ponder. I sometimes think I'm walking a tightrope. If I do the wrong thing, surely I'll tip and fall down into the rabbit hole.
A good friend of mine at work keeps bringing up lesbianism. I can't figure out if she is figuring me out..or leaning that way herself...I have no interest in this person other than being friends, but it's a sticky situation.
I think this is the core reason I want to move. I can move and just "come out"..period. I can tell people here, and because I won't have to deal with them on a daily basis, I can relax a bit. I can live my life in a more honest truthful place.
I really am having a hard time with this right now. For as honest as I am being most of the time, there is the part of me that is totally compartmentalized. I have made a promise to myself though. I will not hide things from "her". I won't compartmentalize in my relationship again. I feel safe opening up and telling her the dirty secrets I haven't told anyone else to speak of. I even told her about my blog so she can read it. It's so very different than the life I lived with Hubcap.
I also wonder, just how much do I tell the kidlets? They are so little, my gut says just be normal, act normal, and they won't question it. If I make a big deal of it, then it will be a big deal for them. My only worry is when Hubcap finds out. Hopefully by that time I'll have moved and not have to deal with him on a daily basis, at least for awhile. I suspect he will eventually follow me there, as he won't want to be that far away from the kids...but we shall see.
I'm just so emotional of late. So vulnerable.
Some of the things I love about my new "girlfriend", yes I'm going to call her that. I have said the love word, I have taken the personals down. I think she officially counts as my girlfriend at this point.
She is wonderful, have I told you that? She honestly makes me feel more loved, and more cared for than I have since I was a child, and I'm not sure she even tries. She's just that way. I know she is intense....as most Leo's are. At the same time, she is so calming for me. We hang out, cook, and really don't feel much of a need to even leave the house. We talk constantly...in a good way. I can tell her hard things and not only is she okay with them, she is objective and has a good opinion. I hope I can be as much of a help to her as she is to me. I just really am enjoying this. I'm enjoying not being scared of "what" she is thinking, as she just tells me.
We had such a nice Valentines day weekend. I gave her a box of personal products so she wouldn't have to "pack" to come see me. She left her robe, and I keep going in the closet and smelling it. She gave me the most wonderful letter. I have re-read it at least 20 times, and along with a big bunch of red flowers and a cute little stufty.
I went out on a "date" with Small Son on Friday night to see "Avatar". She just hung out at my house, and when I got home rubbed my back. She gets my kids and my need to see and be with my kids..I'll never get over how huge this really is..that she is not threatened by my big freaking scary life.
I was in some pretty serious pain Saturday night, and instead of the usual ignoring me, making me feel guilty stuff that I'm used too...she laid with me, rubbed my knees and back, and we spooned and talked. It was amazing. We fit..our bodies fit.
To say that I'm happy about her being in my life is an understatement. I'm grateful I've found someone who not only puts up with me, but understands me, loves me, and finds me sexy. I hope she knows I feel the same about her.
Okay...enough babbling....I'm finally getting sleepy...
Oh..and VOTE VOTE VOTE for me please!!!!
Posted by Mon at 12:38 AM