Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Day...or a Week In My Life

Goodness it's late. I've tried to go to sleep. I did in fact go to sleep, on my couch. I called my girl to say goodnight when I woke up, then went to bed. Now the fun begins. I wake up and can't sleep. I clock watch. I dread going to work tomorrow.

I feel like I live a half life. Half real, half holding back. I'm not sure when I'm going to find the courage to finally break through the walls I need too. I had no idea this process, this coming out process would take me literally years. That I'd need to have a final experiment with a man. That I'd fall in love the first time I reached out to someone.

My mind wanders in a million directions, and I really feel like I need some time off to just process it all.

I have made many decisions this year. Who do I tell, when do I tell, do I even need to tell? Is it any of so and so's business who I sleep with? But if I don't tell, does that mean I'm "hiding"? All questions to ponder. I sometimes think I'm walking a tightrope. If I do the wrong thing, surely I'll tip and fall down into the rabbit hole.

A good friend of mine at work keeps bringing up lesbianism. I can't figure out if she is figuring me out..or leaning that way herself...I have no interest in this person other than being friends, but it's a sticky situation.

I think this is the core reason I want to move. I can move and just "come out"..period. I can tell people here, and because I won't have to deal with them on a daily basis, I can relax a bit. I can live my life in a more honest truthful place.

I really am having a hard time with this right now. For as honest as I am being most of the time, there is the part of me that is totally compartmentalized. I have made a promise to myself though. I will not hide things from "her". I won't compartmentalize in my relationship again. I feel safe opening up and telling her the dirty secrets I haven't told anyone else to speak of. I even told her about my blog so she can read it. It's so very different than the life I lived with Hubcap.

I also wonder, just how much do I tell the kidlets? They are so little, my gut says just be normal, act normal, and they won't question it. If I make a big deal of it, then it will be a big deal for them. My only worry is when Hubcap finds out. Hopefully by that time I'll have moved and not have to deal with him on a daily basis, at least for awhile. I suspect he will eventually follow me there, as he won't want to be that far away from the kids...but we shall see.

I'm just so emotional of late. So vulnerable.

Some of the things I love about my new "girlfriend", yes I'm going to call her that. I have said the love word, I have taken the personals down. I think she officially counts as my girlfriend at this point.

She is wonderful, have I told you that? She honestly makes me feel more loved, and more cared for than I have since I was a child, and I'm not sure she even tries. She's just that way. I know she is most Leo's are. At the same time, she is so calming for me. We hang out, cook, and really don't feel much of a need to even leave the house. We talk a good way. I can tell her hard things and not only is she okay with them, she is objective and has a good opinion. I hope I can be as much of a help to her as she is to me. I just really am enjoying this. I'm enjoying not being scared of "what" she is thinking, as she just tells me.

We had such a nice Valentines day weekend. I gave her a box of personal products so she wouldn't have to "pack" to come see me. She left her robe, and I keep going in the closet and smelling it. She gave me the most wonderful letter. I have re-read it at least 20 times, and along with a big bunch of red flowers and a cute little stufty.

I went out on a "date" with Small Son on Friday night to see "Avatar". She just hung out at my house, and when I got home rubbed my back. She gets my kids and my need to see and be with my kids..I'll never get over how huge this really is..that she is not threatened by my big freaking scary life.

I was in some pretty serious pain Saturday night, and instead of the usual ignoring me, making me feel guilty stuff that I'm used too...she laid with me, rubbed my knees and back, and we spooned and talked. It was amazing. We fit..our bodies fit.

To say that I'm happy about her being in my life is an understatement. I'm grateful I've found someone who not only puts up with me, but understands me, loves me, and finds me sexy. I hope she knows I feel the same about her.

Okay...enough babbling....I'm finally getting sleepy...

Oh..and VOTE VOTE VOTE for me please!!!!



Camlin said...

It's a never-ending process, as I am discovering.

My ex and I treat it in a very matter-of-fact way. When Emily asks why her mom and dad can't be together, he responds "Well, I like to go out with women, and so does mommy." Of course, I'm out to him, which makes it much easier.

So happy for you!

David said...

Don't worry about compartmentalizing. Work is work. You don't need to tell your business there. You are getting paid for work, not for being straight or gay. I just go in and do my work and I don't give a damn if people think I am gay. I pretty much make it a rule to not reveal much at work-- sexuality, family, issues, politics, etc. I will talk about hobbies, movies, cooking, travels, the weather. Trust me, it makes it easier to compartmentalize. That way you can save your true self for your partner, the compartment that really and truly matters. Oh, it helps to do a damn good job at work so people know that that's what you're there for.

C said...

it's a process, M, and just when you think you have gotten through it all, here it comes again on another level. your private life has nuttin to do with the people at work. you dont owe them anything. but i remember when i first came out, i felt the need to belong to some kind of community or social group... or something like that and i felt like telling everyone-- guess what? i'm a lesbian... yet at the same time i didnt want everyone to know. we are so happy to have finally found ourselves that its hard to keep it to ourselves, i thought everyone i told would have the same excitement as i did, but that's not true. also, its just so freeing to finally let out your secret.... i say have bounderies. not everyone is safe. bathe yourself in your happiness and embrace your womanhood... you dont need anyone elses approval. as far as hubcap goes, he doesnt need to know until he needs to know. you dont want to think he would hold it against you but men change as you well know. you will know when and if the time is ever right to tell him.
you sound just like me when i met diane. all the things you share i felt too. FINALLY to be understood and feel loved and cared about. enjoy it, you deserve it. she sounds wonderful.


Kelly said...

Congratulations! Your blog is a finalist in The 2009 Lezzy Awards in the following category/ies: Best Lesbian "Out Later In LIfe" Blog!

Voting runs from February 22nd at 12:00 pm EDT to 12:00 am EDT March 2nd. Please visit for The Lezzy Rules, FAQ, and to pick up a voting graphic for your blog or podcast website.In the mean time feel free to Twitter and Facebook your ass off for votes! There's nothing like some friendly lesbian competition!

If you have any questions please feel free to reach me at

Good luck!

Managing Editor

Charisse said...

WOW!!! I don't know that I am "late in life" (I will only be 30 this summer) but apparently I am later in life than the rest of my friends and family. I just found your blog through the Lezzy awards as I was voting for LesbianDad because that's the only one of the blogs I had ever found.

I have always been involved with men. But I have also always been attracted to women, more so than men. It was just easier to fall in with men. I didn't have to give as much of myself to make them happy. I was in one other lesbian relationship that....failed to come to head, I guess. I fell very hard for her...

Finding Le Sigh, as I call her, has meant everything to me. She means everything to me. It is so nice to be loved and accepted and wanted and...just AND. As I have told friends and family the majority of the response I have gotten is, "its about time you figured this out - we have always known you belonged with women."