Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Tortilla Flat

So much to blog about tonight, I don't really know where to start. So I'll start with one of my favorite books...

"To think, all those years I lay in that chicken house, and I did not know any pleasure. But now, oh, now I am very happy."--John Steinbeck

I picked this up again this week and was sucked into it like being sucked into a good cup of coffee ...honestly, Steinbeck is one of my favorites, and I think a great deal of that comes from the fact he writes so much about Monterrey CA and I can see it, I can feel it and I can smell it, so strong is that area in my memory.

Anyway...I write.

I had a great weekend this weekend. The kids and I met "her" in Missoula at the hotel and had fun at the water park. We let the kids swim until they could swim no more, then stuffed them with pizza, soda, cookies, crackers and candy and took them swimming again. To say the kids had a good time is an understatement. After I showered them, they went to bed and were in a swim coma before I got out of my shower.

I went next door to her room, (adjoining) and we had some rum and coke, and laid on the bed. It was so comfortable, so right. We talked, we made love, and I told her I loved her. It surprised me, and it didn't. I've been holding this back for weeks. Thankfully, I heard those very scary words back in my ear. We were holding each other so tight, it was impossible to let go. Finally, I crawled out of her bed, and back to my own, and drifted off to sleep.

The next day, we took the kids swimming again, and after not too much time, the kids were ready to go back to our rooms, and we all crashed for an hour or so before we had to get ready to go. Then we went out to a great place to eat..the same place we went on our first date, which is a Mongolian BBQ/Noodle place. The kids loved watching their food being cooked, and it felt so so good to just be there with them..and with her. It felt so peaceful. The kids loved her, and talked about missing her on the way home. They really didn't have any clue as to what our relationship really is, but that's for later. Right now, they just need to know that we are "friends". I was proud of both of us, as we managed to keep our hands off of each other and stay prim and proper when the kids were around.

As we were leaving the restaurant I got the kids in their car seats, video players going and walked around to the other side of her truck, and stood there in the parking lot and totally kissed her, in public, and it felt so good.

As I was driving home, I realized a few things. Here I was, driving through the scenic Montana country side, listening to the Indigo Girls, and pondering my life. I had an epiphany, I decided right then and there, that I was going to move to Missoula as soon as I could. So many reasons, and they all make perfect sense and feel right deep down inside.

Even taking her out of the equation, Missoula is a place I would much rather live. It is a college town. It has live music, culture events, real book stores, more support services for the LGBT community. It will be easier being a queer parent there. It has rivers i.e. water, for the Cancer/water sign part of me that is drying up here. I've never been into lakes much. It needs to be a moving, flowing water source, so that pretty much leaves rivers and the ocean.

That aside, it would put me closer to her and further away from Hubcap. Still it's only 110 miles between the two towns, so meeting him to exchange the kids won't be that hard.

Then there is the connection to my dad, and my mom that I feel there. I grew up listening to my folks talk about Missoula. My dad went to college there, at U of M and received both his BA and MA degree from there. My mom worked there and has lots of stories to tell about it. It always seemed so far off when I was a kid. Like someplace out in outer space. Now it feels like this could very well be the last place I move too. I've pondered other places, but it really doesn't feel like it's in the cards, at least right now. It was suddenly so clear that this was the right thing. Maybe I can settle down there and raise my kids in my dad's favorite place.

The other thing is, my stinky ass boss is on my ass again. He's on me, and I've had it. I'm officially looking now. I had my mom revamp my resume and cover letters today. They are still in process, but are nearly done. I'm looking in Missoula as well as Helena. I'm not going to let this miserable excuse for a man make me miserable again.

I've made the executive decision that I will not let other people control my destiny any more. I will not give them that power. I'm almost out of this mess, I can feel it. It's been a long time coming now, three years since I started blogging, 3 1/2 years since I fell in love with you know who....

Now I'm living alone with my kids, red curtains on my walls, and have my own big screen TV...who'd have thunk it???



C said...

i am SO happy for you!
you are living your dreams.
last year at this time, you couldnt even believe it would happen.

give yourself a huge hug from me, and a ginormous badge of courage to stick in your front yard!

does "she" have an initial?

M & ?

oh lord, if her name starts with an M you will be the chocolate candy couple! bwahahahaha m & m



c & d


Earth Muffin said...

So happy for you! Enjoy this time of new love and look forward to a wide open future.