Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The hell that I call divorce and house selling is never going to end. I can't believe our house is really ever going to sell. I hate my realtor, and plan on firing his sorry ass as soon as I can.

I am going to meet "her" in Missoula this weekend and she is going to meet the kidlets. Adjoining rooms, indoor water park and good fun, I think we can all use some.

I really am doing okay, it's just this constant gnawing at me, like a sore tooth funny enough, that makes this sometimes feel unbearable. My connections to Hubcap are tenuous at best right now. I emailed him today because he has not responded to my question last week about finalizing the divorce, and how much more time does he really need. Well today I told him that I thought June 1 was fair. Now of course he isn't talking to me. Big surprise really, what I don't get is why he can't see that this doesn't work on me anymore?

Not only that, but I called him tonight, due to the "right of first refusal" clause in our separation agreement, and asked him if he'd like to have Little Miss for a few hours on Friday night while I take Small Son to the movies to see "Avatar". He told me "NO", that I'd better get a babysitter. Asswipe. He doesn't want to spend any time with his kids that he is not "required" to do. My therapist seems to think he will fade off into the great blue yonder, as things become final. I almost don't care. I almost don't care about child support even if he'd just leave us alone. I'm sorry for my kids, but they are never going to have the dad I want them to have. They are never going to have the kind of dad that I had.

They have a sorry ass excuse of a dad that really doesn't give a shit about them. He could give a rip if I put them with a sitter, if they really have enough to eat, if their home work is done. He doesn't know they cry for him, nor does he seem to care. I've told him over and over that they want to spend time with him. How can anyone turn their back on kids as beautiful and wonderful as mine?

I don't and never will understand where his sense of duty and obligation went. That he hates me, doesn't really matter to me. That he won't do shit for his own kids and just assumes that I'm the one that "needs" to do this because "he didn't ask for this" makes me nearly hate what little part of him is still left inside.

Oh well, all I can do is what I can do, and that is to make sure my babies know I'm here and not going anywhere...



kimber p said...

Mon, I went thru something so similar when my kids' father and I split up, what you need to do to protect the interest of yourself and your children is keep a log of every single time he refuses the offer of keeping his kids for a visit, or every time he uses the kids to get back at you for his own anger and keep it faithfully.

I know that he's going to do whatever he can as the divorce gets closer to slice your heart open, and you'll want all the evidence you can get to prove to a court that he's been a very absent, very non-committal type father. Custody cases can be very scary things if not handled right and a person that you think you know so well can turn into something extremely ugly and unpredictable at a moment's notice.

I wish you only the best and that this all works out with the house and that you'll be free of this manipulation very soon...

C said...

amen sistah. if you read my earliest entries on my blog, you will find the exact same words about my kids dad.
its fucking unbelievable he can just walk away from the kids he used to live for, isnt it...?
i'll never understand and today, the kids see him for what he is.

just be there for them, as you are. you cannot be both parents to them but your consistancy will make such a difference and give them security they cant get from him.

somehow, your love and tenderness will be enough.

its heartwrenching to see them cry for their dad. i lived through that, too. hopefully one day he will realize what he is missing, in them, mine never did but ya never know.

have fun this weekend.


Camlin said...

I'm so sorry...I have no real words of wisdom here, but C and Kimber have some really good thoughts.

And have fun. You deserve it!

OurBig said...

I do agree with your therapist, much of this will pass. Your kids will watch it all and they will "get" whatever needs to be got as they grow up. Steady message is YOU are always there for them.

Good luck meeting halfway!