Thursday, March 4, 2010

Maybe Next Year!!!

I didn't win "The Lezzies", but I'm so honored to even be nominated...I've been secretly lusting after that for the whole 3 years I've been blogging, both on this blog, and my older closed down blog, "Bearsmountain".

The great thing is though, that my very good friend "Making Space" did win...I'm so freaking happy for her. She has quite the journey, and story to tell. I remember a few years back when she emailed me, and we became good online friends...I couldn't be more pleased for her. Also, Grumpy Granny was nominated like me, and she really has been great to me over the years as well. I think we are all just very lucky to be recognized, and for any of those that did vote for me, I really really appreciate it and want to thank you.

I've been so stressed from Hubcap this week, it just seems to never end. I sometimes wonder just when this freaking nightmare of a divorce is going to end. He blames me for everything, and I know he is saying stuff about me to the kids, just because they say stuff to me. Then it's all I can do to not give them the third degree....I can't run "daddy" down to them...even though I know he is doing it to me. I refuse to hurt my kids.

I've been doing a lot of thinking on forgiveness and hurt. Why is it people feel the need to hurt each other? I'm not saying I'm immune to this, obviously I'm not, as I want to ram Hubcap into a cement wall most of the time, but why is it impossible for me to let it go most of the time?

He never fails to get a dig in on me. I booked Small Son's Birthday Party this week, and told him, that I had to book it on "his" weekend, since "my" weekend was Easter weekend. He got all huffy and said something to the effect "You didn't talk to me about it and now you want me to pay HALF"? I told him I'd really like it if he did, but I sure wasn't holding my breath, as he never wants to do anything where the kids are concerned, that all he HAD to do was get the kids to Small Son's party and I would do the rest. It continually amazes me that this man I was married to for so long, doesn't seem to give a shit about his own kids. He does what he "has" to do, but no more, ever. It makes no sense to me. We have beautiful, wonderful kids and I honestly don't know where his sense of duty and obligation to them went. Probably up in a cloud of pot smoke....just sayin'.

I just want to get past this daily stress of feeling like I'm going to break literally into a million pieces. Like there just isn't "enough" of me to go around. I can't get sick, since he won't help with the kids, I can't take a night off to just go to bed early cause he won't take the kids unless it's "his" weekend..he has to put them to bed a whole four days a month.....I guess that's enough for him. Not that I want my kids to not be with me, but I sure would love to just have someone say sometime...."Good God you look tired, why don't you let me put the kids to bed and you go take a nap".... I can't get my head around the fact this is NEVER going to happen. That this is LIFE as a single parent. I have to get my head around this feeling of being so very alone where the kids are concerned. Being mad is not helping me in the slightest.

I've come out to my sister, and I'm almost there with my mom...I just can't get over the "hump" to tell her for some reason. I'm not sure why, as I'm not worried about her, she is very liberal, and honestly I'm sure she already knows, since years ago I accidentally sent her that erroneous blog post...If you are a long time reader you may remember that.

I know I was sitting at my desk at work today, thinking, I'm really going through this "coming out" thing. In the back of my head, all this time, I think I kept thinking that journey was for "other people". I'm starting to realize I am one of those "other" people after all. There is nothing special or remarkable about me. I'm having to go through the pain of it..just like everyone else.

Well enough for now....



Mel's Way or No Way said...

Sounds like you are in a rough spot for sure! I was the child of parents that played the "he said, she said" game with us kids and understand how hurtful it can be. Just try to remain strong and be the bigger person. One day your kids will be old enough to realize who was there for them and who behaved better.

It always amazes me how someone who once claimed to love you so can be so hateful to you now. If he ever really loved you, he would want you to be happy-with or without him.
Hang in there lady. :)

C said...

oh M, i so know where you're at right now... my ex behaved the exact same way and would get his digs in every chance he could. i feel for you, hon... its true they turn into someone you dont even recognise anymore... bastards..
unfortuneatly, it wont be until the kids are older young adults when they will realize how he is, as mine have done the past few years.. i too never put him down to them, it only makes things worse. just be consistant with your love, your routines, and your being there for them. it will pay off in the end. he is a loser. it is his loss not being in their lives like that. HIS. and theirs, too. you are prolly grieving the loss of the husband/father you thought he always would be, and now isnt.
its SO normal to be mad, enraged, hurt, and frustrated... no one gives us a break, man i have felt that way so many times... mine was off vacationing and doing things he should have done with the kids. it helps on your part, to let go of the expectations you may still have of how he should be doing this and that with the kids... because you will be discopointed everytime.. expect nothing, then it wont hurt so much.
it's not right for so many dads to just forget their obligations... as mine told me over and over "he was paying me [child support] to raise them! hows that for a fucker? they are his kids too. and today, he has little relationship with them and wonders why...
i used to go to the batting cages to rid my anger and frustration... and put his face on every ball i hit. it helped, actually.

hang in there M, you are a great mom and just let your consistancy, love, and fun be the role model for the kidlets..
fill your life up with people who will enjoy your kiddies, and love them.. when they repeat something bad he has said about you, let them know that its not true, and that you love them. i told mine that daddy was confused... hah! fucked up is a better word.

i'm sending good mojo your way..
you are living your dream, and doing your best. thats all you can do for today... and you and the kids WILL be ok. maybe it will turn out to be a blessing in disguise that he isnt there too much, if he's going to be a negative nelly, they are better off without him.


Camlin said...

I know it's hard, being on your own - but you are a great mom, and you are doing the best that you can for your kids under very difficult circumstances. I wish it could be different for you...

makingspacethejourneyout said...

You're an awesome mom and I wish you a quick resolution to the divorce. For the rest, you've gotten much better advice than I know how to give.

I'm starting to feel like you're describing, one of those "other" people. It's kind of scary and kind of empowering. Like walking into a familiar room but discovering it's on another planet.

We'll get there. Thanks for your congrats and kind words. You've been a great friend and support.

Kel said...

My son's father and I split up when he was 4. He is now 19, and doesn't even remember us together, not very clearly anyway. What he does remember are the things his dad did and didn't do with him when he was little. Like, bothering to show up for more than a handful of soccer games over 8 seasons, sometimes he played both fall and spring. His dad's suicide attempt -- unsuccessful I might add. The time he and the new wife, and her kids went to Florida for vacation, and he wasn't even asked to go along.

He appreciates now that I didn't bad mouth any of his dad's side of the family, even though they all did me. He figured all of that out on his own as he grew up.

Those are the things your kidlets will remember. That you were the one who remained positive. They will appreciate the fact that all they from you was positive, and probably pity him for being so negative. Keep your head up, and be strong. You're the influence that matters.

Grumpy Granny said...

Hey, sorry I didn't get over sooner to congratulate you on being nominated!! So belated congratulations! ;-)

As for the rest--you are doing the absolute right thing by not sinking to your soon to be former husband's level and the kids know this even if they don't or can't verbalize it. They will realize that you took the higher ground and did not use them as pieces in a dysfunctional board game later.

This, too, shall pass!!