The great thing is though, that my very good friend "Making Space" did win...I'm so freaking happy for her. She has quite the journey, and story to tell. I remember a few years back when she emailed me, and we became good online friends...I couldn't be more pleased for her. Also, Grumpy Granny was nominated like me, and she really has been great to me over the years as well. I think we are all just very lucky to be recognized, and for any of those that did vote for me, I really really appreciate it and want to thank you.
I've been so stressed from Hubcap this week, it just seems to never end. I sometimes wonder just when this freaking nightmare of a divorce is going to end. He blames me for everything, and I know he is saying stuff about me to the kids, just because they say stuff to me. Then it's all I can do to not give them the third degree....I can't run "daddy" down to them...even though I know he is doing it to me. I refuse to hurt my kids.
I've been doing a lot of thinking on forgiveness and hurt. Why is it people feel the need to hurt each other? I'm not saying I'm immune to this, obviously I'm not, as I want to ram Hubcap into a cement wall most of the time, but why is it impossible for me to let it go most of the time?
He never fails to get a dig in on me. I booked Small Son's Birthday Party this week, and told him, that I had to book it on "his" weekend, since "my" weekend was Easter weekend. He got all huffy and said something to the effect "You didn't talk to me about it and now you want me to pay HALF"? I told him I'd really like it if he did, but I sure wasn't holding my breath, as he never wants to do anything where the kids are concerned, that all he HAD to do was get the kids to Small Son's party and I would do the rest. It continually amazes me that this man I was married to for so long, doesn't seem to give a shit about his own kids. He does what he "has" to do, but no more, ever. It makes no sense to me. We have beautiful, wonderful kids and I honestly don't know where his sense of duty and obligation to them went. Probably up in a cloud of pot smoke....just sayin'.
I just want to get past this daily stress of feeling like I'm going to break literally into a million pieces. Like there just isn't "enough" of me to go around. I can't get sick, since he won't help with the kids, I can't take a night off to just go to bed early cause he won't take the kids unless it's "his" weekend..he has to put them to bed a whole four days a month.....I guess that's enough for him. Not that I want my kids to not be with me, but I sure would love to just have someone say sometime...."Good God you look tired, why don't you let me put the kids to bed and you go take a nap".... I can't get my head around the fact this is NEVER going to happen. That this is LIFE as a single parent. I have to get my head around this feeling of being so very alone where the kids are concerned. Being mad is not helping me in the slightest.
I've come out to my sister, and I'm almost there with my mom...I just can't get over the "hump" to tell her for some reason. I'm not sure why, as I'm not worried about her, she is very liberal, and honestly I'm sure she already knows, since years ago I accidentally sent her that erroneous blog post...If you are a long time reader you may remember that.
I know I was sitting at my desk at work today, thinking, I'm really going through this "coming out" thing. In the back of my head, all this time, I think I kept thinking that journey was for "other people". I'm starting to realize I am one of those "other" people after all. There is nothing special or remarkable about me. I'm having to go through the pain of it..just like everyone else.
Well enough for now....