Monday, March 8, 2010

A Weathered Heart

I've been thinking a lot about the loves in my life today. I've had many. I came of age in the eighties, and like most of us back then, there wasn't really much to worry about other than getting pregnant by sleeping around. I was a virgin until I was 19, and then I decided one night I was tired of it, and went to the fair on a hot summer night, and met up with a guy I liked, and Bam!!

It was done.

I was now among the many that slept with people as easily as shaking hands. At this point, I must have been on a quest or a mission to have my way with as many men/boys as I could.

Only once during this time did I "fall in love", if you can even call it this now.

This was with a guy I met through a friend. He was super tall, beautiful with dark hair and eyes, his name was Eric, and we had a few months of fun times, then he went off and enlisted in the Army....after that I pined for him, or for what I thought should be "us".

Looking back now, it was more fun to "miss him" than it was to actually "be" with him. Maybe I had bad luck, or maybe I just wasn't into it, but I went though more men than I can even count now. I finally ended up getting married to a short little balding man who was younger than I was when I was 24.

This, of course, ended in disaster. He was a schmuck...a thief...a liar, but one thing we did well was talk. We'd talk and talk, and then talk some more. It took me years to see the "he" that he really was....

I then went on to chapter two of my love life...more guys...Never did I have a problem "getting" them, but I did have a problem keeping them, as most of them were what I thought I should want, but really didn't.

Somewhere during this time, I met up with a woman named "Kara" who was bisexual.

I went to her house several times, and we hung out, but she was married, and even back then, it wierded me out, even though I knew she and her husband wanted to sleep with me, I only wanted to sleep with her, so we never did anything, not even kiss.

Looking back now, I really wish I had. Maybe it would have opened my eyes back then...

Oh well, I still sit here, nearly 46 years old, and worry about "coming out" to my mom. I guess it's never going to be an easy thing to do, but I so badly want to do it. I'm feeling stifled because I'm not sharing my life with her really. She gets half my life.

I don't get to tell her about this wonderful woman I've fallen so in love with....this woman who rubs my knees when they hurt, and kisses me until I can't kiss anymore. This woman who makes me feel more loved and cared for than anyone ever has in my entire life...

I feel like I'm being dishonest to my girlfriend by not telling my mom, like I'm denying something beautiful by sheer omission.

I'm almost ready to do this, some how I'll find a way to do this. It's weighing heavy on my soul, because I so want to tell her so I can share this person with her.

I know hands down my mom will love her. I'm pretty sure my mom will be happy for me, so why is it so so hard to work up the guts to tell her?

Maybe this stress is no different if you are 20 years old, or 46 years still holds the possibility of rejection from some of the people you love the most...

I've all along since this journey has begun, I've assumed it would be "easier" for me because I'm older...but now I have to question that very thought. It's been easier so far because the people I've told have embraced me and loved me with open arms. Anyone whom I'm not sure of the reaction I'll get, I haven't I'm not putting myself at risk. Part of this is just because I don't really feel like sharing this portion of my life with the people I work with now, and part of it is just plain old fear. Fear for how people will treat my kids, or if they will tell Hubcap before I'm ready for him to know...

So many things to think on...


1 comment:

D.D. said...

I did the same thing for much of my life. I found it so easy to walk away from a guy; I got married and felt nothing remotely romantic about the guy. I was, I think now, trying to straighten myself out, even though I knew that the marriage would inevitably end and that I didn't want to be with a guy, really.

The difference between your story and mine, I think, is that I knew I was gay, and had even been out, but found that hurdle of parents and religion and rejection from family / friends (or possibility of it) so frightening. Not only did I waste my own time, but I wasted their time as well.