Spinning....

Is there a song that makes you melt inside?  Every time you hear it, you just melt, fall back into a big down comforter of softness, and melt into the song?  For me, it's the song "I Love You" by Sarah McLaughlin.  I adore that song.  Mirrorball reminds me of driving down Hwy 1, from San Francisco to Santa Cruz, soaking in the warm sunshine, smoking Marboro's....listening to Mirrorball over and over.  Good times, and sad times for me.

I sit here sometimes and just wonder where on earth the time has gone.  How am I almost 46?  I don't mind 46, in fact I rather like it, but the journey to here sped by with such fury...I blinked, and 10 years were just gone.  It makes me wonder how many chances I wasted.  How many things should I have done, and didn't because I was afraid.  Afraid of fear.  Quite the revelation now.  I really am enjoying my 40's..even with the pain.  I've become authentic inside of myself, for myself.

I'm finally settling into me.  Doing what I want for me, for the kids.  Running on instinct, and knowing instinctively, that it will be the right choice, because it's a gut reaction.  My gut never led my dad, nor myself down the wrong road.  Where my mistakes have come, were from NOT listening to my gut.  So from here on out, I'm working on listening to my inner voice.  My truthful honest choices will be the best ones.

So where does this lead me?  It leads me to ponder making garden pavers myself.  It leaves me wondering just how hard it would be to build a kiln in my yard.  Things that didn't seem possible before, are all the sudden working for me.

I went on a shopping spree yesterday, online.  I realized my "good" tshirts were going on 3 years old.  My jeans were becoming tattered with holes, worn spots...my shoes, though comfortable were starting to look comfortable.

So I bought out Lands End, Lane Bryant, Victoria's Secret and Zappos.com.  I am wearing a new, wonderful pair of Doc Martins, and feeling like I can't wait to get some new clothes.  I'm going to cut my hair, and I believe I'm going to get a 2nd tattoo.  I'm wondering if tattooing in your 40's is addicting?  I keep thinking about the feeling of getting my first one.  The pain.  The places my mind went...and then the way my GF worships my tattoo...and think I really do want more.  Why not decorate my body during the 2nd half of my life???

I'm even content with my Dell Laptop, not feeling the need any longer to run out and buy a new Mac.  I thought I'd do that as soon as I sold my house, but instead I keep tapping away on my Dell.  I've never made that computer permanent.  I've never put my photo's, nor my iTunes on it...I'm considering it...just to prove to myself I can change...I can make due and learn something new.  As I become happier in my life, "things" are not as important to me.