Thursday, July 22, 2010

Insurmountable Joy and Sadness

I had a conversation tonight with a dear friend, that made me sad, and it made me reflect on my own life. I value life, now more than ever.

Today I spoke with a new therapist, for Small Son. I've decided he needs therapy, as he is having a very hard time dealing with this divorce, and all it means in his life. He is finding it hard to tell me, because I believe he feels he is being disloyal to his daddy. It's time. I figured it would come eventually, and it's here.

This therapist was recommended to me by a friend at work.

He wants to involve Fucktard in therapy, which I'm all for. I think he needs to be involved, possibly more than I do. So now I have to tell Fucktard that I've initiated this process. I will, but I know it's going to cause an be it I suppose. I'm also thinking Fucktard will relate to this therapist, and maybe in some sort of back door way, it might help him. Anyway, I've got my fingers crossed.

I get my house next week...finally. It's been a long time coming. I'm taking Small Son with me to the walk through, so he can finally see it. He wants to go so bad, and I think it will be good for him to go with me. I'm more excited than I can say.

Financially, I'm approaching crunch time. Still so much to buy for the house and funds are dwindling but, I feel in my gut, that it will be all right. That this is what I've been working for my whole life. My own house. I've picked out paint. I've picked out my tractor mower. I've bought the much needed flatbed trailer, and I've given my heart the most wonderful strong women I've ever met.

I feel so connected to her. I can talk to her about anything, everything, for hours. I've never felt this way in my life. I know I can depend on her, really depend on her to work with me, to hold my hand and support me in my weakness. I feel like things are so possible with her, and I don't feel alone. I think she is beautiful.

Where am I going with this? I'm pondering my life, the women in my life. I've said it before, I get and have gotten all of my emotional meals from women for most of my life. My dad and my son are really the only exception to this. It is women I go to when I hurt, be it my best friend or my mom, or my little girl when I need to snuggle her. It is women I call when I'm filled with joy. I guess it's just my turn, in this life, to trust in my female bonds, of which I have many. I am truly blessed. I didn't realize I had so many really good friends, until I accepted who and what I am.

So the things I'm doing for myself this week. I bought a guitar for me, and for Small Son, and intend on learning together. Something is calling me to learn to play the guitar, and I'm listening.

I'm following my gut....listening to my inner voice, and trying so hard to take care of myself so that I can take care of my loved ones.

I bought myself a kick ass cowboy hat and wore it to T-Ball practice tonight...I looked like the dyke I am..and was loving it. I especially loved the look I got from Fucktard, as I walked by him and didn't look at him.

I've drowned myself in the Indigo Girls this week, and that is ALWAYS good for me.

I've committed to adopting a new kitty when we move. His name is Zip..soon to be called Zippy and he lives at a cat sanctuary now. He's white and tabby, 5 years old, declawed, and soon to be very spoiled.

I told my last friend in the world I need to tell, or sort of told her, that I'm queer. I'm still alive and getting stronger by the day.

I've decided that it's not stupid to get the tattoo I really want on my leg, a copy of the hand Amy Ray has on her forearm. I decided she is what pulled me through this journey, and that honoring that was something that was spiritual, and would always make me feel after the move, I get my 2nd tattoo...and I intend on decorating my body with tattoo's for the rest of my life!!!




Grumpy Granny said...

Good luck with therapy all around. At the risk of sounding "high and mighty", the first step you can take is to stop referring to your ex as "Fucktard". Even though your son will probably never read this blog, trust me, he gets the "vibes" you send off when you even think that way. I speak from my own personal experience and from being a paralegal in custody cases. The cases where the parents were "at odds" were nearly always the cases where the kids suffered the most.

Never trying to tell you what to do, cuz I've been in your shoes, but just saying that negative energy and feelings flow in the atmosphere, and kids are VERY sensitive to them because they haven't learned how to turn off their telepathy with words yet.

Hang in there!


Camlin said...

Before you commit to a therapist, make sure that he/she is gblt friendly and supportive. You don't want fucktard getting the upper hand in the situation.

Yes. Do learn to play the guitar. Singing is therapeutic. And maybe someday we can jam together.

love, love, love to you. Ain't it grand?

~seelenschmerz~ said...

first, thanks for giving me a new 'name' to call my kids' father! lol
no, really..."Grumpy" is right...don't waste your beautiful energies on creating negative energies because of him...i can say that with confidence now as i've been divorced from him long enough...i wasted too many years in anger over him and my previous 'forced' other life and wish i hadn't wasted those first few years with all that negative energy shit i allowed him to have over me and the children.

therapy sounds like a good idea for Small Son...but be cautious and heed Camlin's advise - i had my daughter in therapy and she ended up hating me (not anymore, thank goodness) as the therapist was not gay friendly and placed all the blame on me making me look like a horrible parent.

everything you do, you do for yourself and your children (and your wonderful woman) from here on in...don't allow the negative "energ vampires" like fucktard to fuck it up

positive thoughts your way :-)