So here is the backstory.
We had our part of the escrow signing on the house on Thursday.
I can't tell you how much I was dreading this.
Anyway, when I got there, Hubcap was not there, and I asked if I could sign the papers alone. They happily obliged me, and I sat in that tiny room by myself and signed my house away with the realtor I don't like and the woman that worked for the title company.
Hubcap got there shortly after I did and waited in the waiting room, and when I left I didn't see him. This was my preference, as it really felt like I was signing away my previous life in lots of ways.
So later on that night, when I got home, he was leaving before I even got in my house. Same thing on Friday night. So when he called the kids on Friday night, I asked him,
"Okay, what are you mad at this time?"
It took a bit of me pushing, but finally he yelled at me..
"We should have signed those papers together!"
"You made me wait until you were done!"
"You made them do it twice!"
"It's always about "YOU", he said.
It' goes on, but you get the gist.
I told him I was sorry if it hurt his feelings, but I needed to do it alone. Then I asked about Small Son's Birthday this year. It falls on Friday, which is his weekend. He yelled at me...
"If you had read the PARENTING PLAN...you would KNOW you get him on EVEN years..."
He went on to call me self riotous and self centered.
Then I said, "Well do you want to keep him for his birthday or not?"
"Of course I want him", he said.
"Well then you keep him weekend", I said
"I guess YOU don't want him on his birthday then", he said.
"That is not what I said, I said if you want to keep him on his birthday it's fine with me, but I want to bring him a gift" I said.
"No, if I keep him on his birthday, you CAN'T see him"...
I then said, "well forget it then"...I'll keep him.
We dropped it at that and I haven't brought it back up at all, but then I haven't talked to him since.
The thing that made me sickest though, was he yelled at me me...
"I hope you choke on all the money YOU are going to get from MY inheritance"....I hung up on him at that point. I sounded like toxic waste coming out of his mouth.
I literally felt as if I were going to vomit when I hung up.
I had a friend over, who I thought was just stopping by to get the router I was giving to her, so I asked her to watch the kids and went upstairs and called GF.
It really comes down to this, I've let myself fall into a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse from him. I feel guilty if I don't do what he wants, but I don't want to do it so I feel guilty. I try not too "set" him off.
I've spent the entire weekend sick over this....thinking how he comes into my home and brings this shit in with him every day. I let him do this to me....
Soooo....I'm going to have the locks changed tomorrow. I'm going to start picking up my own kids, and yes, we can start sticking to the parenting plan. I honestly was feeling unsafe last night. I couldn't sleep because he seems so unstable to me, so not the man I married, that I really felt unable to go to sleep. I laid there wishing GF were with me so I wouldn't be alone. Wishing GF's little dog Jack were here to bark. I've never felt that way before.
I felt his hate of me this weekend in a huge way. I never thought he'd turn it on me...but he did.
I also spent part of last night upset at Small Son for a bit because I bought an Xbox, and he told his dad. I think that comment he made on Friday about me "choking" on the money made me feel guilty again, even though I've been planning on this purchase for awhile. I wanted one so I could play upstairs in my room, and I all the sudden feel the need to justify what I do and why.
Why does it matter what I do with my fundage as long as I take care of my kids?
It certainly has been a reality check for me this weekend, because I realized how easy it is to fall into these types of patterns even if you never have before. But then again, maybe I've been walking this subtle line for a long time and didn't know it.
If you have any good wishes to send out to the universe for me this week, please do, I suspect this is going to be an emotional brutal week for me.
Mon
