Sunday, March 21, 2010

Toxic Waste and Me

I've spent the weekend literally sick to my stomach over Hubcap.

So here is the backstory.

We had our part of the escrow signing on the house on Thursday.

I can't tell you how much I was dreading this.

Anyway, when I got there, Hubcap was not there, and I asked if I could sign the papers alone. They happily obliged me, and I sat in that tiny room by myself and signed my house away with the realtor I don't like and the woman that worked for the title company.

Hubcap got there shortly after I did and waited in the waiting room, and when I left I didn't see him. This was my preference, as it really felt like I was signing away my previous life in lots of ways.

So later on that night, when I got home, he was leaving before I even got in my house. Same thing on Friday night. So when he called the kids on Friday night, I asked him,

"Okay, what are you mad at this time?"

It took a bit of me pushing, but finally he yelled at me..

"We should have signed those papers together!"

"You made me wait until you were done!"

"You made them do it twice!"

"It's always about "YOU", he said.

It' goes on, but you get the gist.

I told him I was sorry if it hurt his feelings, but I needed to do it alone. Then I asked about Small Son's Birthday this year. It falls on Friday, which is his weekend. He yelled at me...

"If you had read the PARENTING PLAN...you would KNOW you get him on EVEN years..."

He went on to call me self riotous and self centered.

Then I said, "Well do you want to keep him for his birthday or not?"

"Of course I want him", he said.

"Well then you keep him weekend", I said

"I guess YOU don't want him on his birthday then", he said.

"That is not what I said, I said if you want to keep him on his birthday it's fine with me, but I want to bring him a gift" I said.

"No, if I keep him on his birthday, you CAN'T see him"...

I then said, "well forget it then"...I'll keep him.

We dropped it at that and I haven't brought it back up at all, but then I haven't talked to him since.

The thing that made me sickest though, was he yelled at me me...

"I hope you choke on all the money YOU are going to get from MY inheritance"....I hung up on him at that point. I sounded like toxic waste coming out of his mouth.

I literally felt as if I were going to vomit when I hung up.

I had a friend over, who I thought was just stopping by to get the router I was giving to her, so I asked her to watch the kids and went upstairs and called GF.

It really comes down to this, I've let myself fall into a pattern of verbal and emotional abuse from him. I feel guilty if I don't do what he wants, but I don't want to do it so I feel guilty. I try not too "set" him off.

I've spent the entire weekend sick over this....thinking how he comes into my home and brings this shit in with him every day. I let him do this to me....

Soooo....I'm going to have the locks changed tomorrow. I'm going to start picking up my own kids, and yes, we can start sticking to the parenting plan. I honestly was feeling unsafe last night. I couldn't sleep because he seems so unstable to me, so not the man I married, that I really felt unable to go to sleep. I laid there wishing GF were with me so I wouldn't be alone. Wishing GF's little dog Jack were here to bark. I've never felt that way before.

I felt his hate of me this weekend in a huge way. I never thought he'd turn it on me...but he did.

I also spent part of last night upset at Small Son for a bit because I bought an Xbox, and he told his dad. I think that comment he made on Friday about me "choking" on the money made me feel guilty again, even though I've been planning on this purchase for awhile. I wanted one so I could play upstairs in my room, and I all the sudden feel the need to justify what I do and why.

Why does it matter what I do with my fundage as long as I take care of my kids?

It certainly has been a reality check for me this weekend, because I realized how easy it is to fall into these types of patterns even if you never have before. But then again, maybe I've been walking this subtle line for a long time and didn't know it.

If you have any good wishes to send out to the universe for me this week, please do, I suspect this is going to be an emotional brutal week for me.

Mon

11 comments:

Kat said...

Do change the locks. Am I to understand you've been allowing him to go to and fro from your house? That should stop pronto. And yes, just stick with the parenting plan so there's clear boundaries. The more you step away from him the more clearly you will be able to see all this shit for what it is. Just my two cents. Take care of yourself.

Mon said...

Yep Kat, he has a key. In the beginning, it worked better, he'd bring the kids home, meet me here, and then leave. Keep in mind I didn't want them sitting out waiting for me in sub-zero temps...that and he was acting like a human then.

Now, it's warm out, and I'm just going to start picking the kids up myself...he can see them as the parenting plan dictates...

Avril Fleur said...

Sending you vibrations of peace and love from Canada, my friend. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You deserve all the happiness that is coming your way.

makingspacethejourneyout said...

Sending out tons of good wishes to the universe for your today and all week. Blessings and safety to you and your little ones.

Mel's Way or No Way said...

You are worth more than that. He has his issues and he is the one responsible to deal with them. You can't fix the situation and tip-toeing around him and compromising yourself only gives him more power over you. Be strong, take control and live your life for you and your children. That's my 2 cents. Plus, I would definitely be changing the locks.

Camlin said...

Change the locks. He is entering your space, and you should feel safe in your own space.

What you do with your money is none of his business.

If you can't be with small son on his birthday, plan an alternate day, and make it clear to both hubass and your son that you are celebrating with him in your own way, because you want to honour his birthday.

Good vibes heading your way! Always!

C said...

awww hon, whatta prick he is being. i think all that rage that he is directing at you is really towards himself for fucking up his life. just let that shit and the other verbal defacation that spews from his mouth role off your shoulders like dust in the wind.

my ex always came and went in my house too, for the kids sake, but when his wifey was around, i had to go out to the car to get them, i wasnt even allowed to speak to him and he would either ignore me or treat me like shit when i would ask questions about the kids when he brought them back. he was a fucker. hubcap is being a fucker. change the locks. dont let him in. he lost that privalage by being disrespectful to you.

and if he DARES drop those kiddies off and leaves before you arrive, call the po po and he will lose his custody rights... thats abandonment and they are not old enough to be "dropped off alone"...

set your bounderies honey and stick to them like glue!

ya know when you eat summit bad and you get the runs later....? treat what he says to you like that- flush it.

his words cant upset you, without your permission.

dont give him ANY power... and the feeling guilty? its unjustified. you are letting him have that power over you too, hon. the thing is like you said, it's been like that for so long, you are used to it.

you have NOTHING to feel guilty for.

be happy, hon.

c

C said...

awww hon, whatta prick he is being. i think all that rage that he is directing at you is really towards himself for fucking up his life. just let that shit and the other verbal defacation that spews from his mouth role off your shoulders like dust in the wind.

my ex always came and went in my house too, for the kids sake, but when his wifey was around, i had to go out to the car to get them, i wasnt even allowed to speak to him and he would either ignore me or treat me like shit when i would ask questions about the kids when he brought them back. he was a fucker. hubcap is being a fucker. change the locks. dont let him in. he lost that privalage by being disrespectful to you.

and if he DARES drop those kiddies off and leaves before you arrive, call the po po and he will lose his custody rights... thats abandonment and they are not old enough to be "dropped off alone"...

set your bounderies honey and stick to them like glue!

ya know when you eat summit bad and you get the runs later....? treat what he says to you like that- flush it.

his words cant upset you, without your permission.

dont give him ANY power... and the feeling guilty? its unjustified. you are letting him have that power over you too, hon. the thing is like you said, it's been like that for so long, you are used to it.

you have NOTHING to feel guilty for.

be happy, hon.

c

babey said...

i'm sorry

julie said...

Mon,
Thank you for everything,
I hope you changed the locks!
I want my friends safe!
Julie

~seelenschmerz~ said...

Mon, you just commented on my profile when i basically reiterated something similar..i divorced the f*cker's ass (sorry for the foul lingo) 9 yrs ago and he STILL thinks he can interfere in my life but i won't let him...basically, your ex should NOT be interfering in your life. you should actually not be having any communication with him other than what pertains to the children, their medical care and visitation...i wonder, did your lawyer not advise you on this? these men really need a kick in their asses once and for all and we women need to STOP allowing them to continue the fear pattern...my heart goes out to your situation...we share something similar, you and i, but remember: the control is now in YOUR hands...lay down the rules for him, even if the authorities need to get involved. good thing to change the locks and force HIM to follow the divorce rules. btw, he doesn't NEED to know about your gf...it's NONE of his business. i'm here for you any time you need.
hugs,
~wicked~