Friday, July 31, 2009

How do you explain to someone how music shoots straight to your soul?

Some songs, I listen to them over and over, and its a straight shot in shoots me straight my gut.

Every time.

It's soul food.

It's a nuance, a feeling. It's unexplainable.

Yesterday, at work, when I was crying so hard over and over inside, and being strong on the outside, I put "Amazing Grace" on my iPod, curtosy of Aretha....over and over, I listened to Gospel Music.

The only religious music I can listen too, is done by the likes of the Queen of Soul herself..and a few others. It's not the religious aspect of it that does me in, it's the soul food. It's the feeling. It's the big legs and strong voices, and eternal love that is carried in their voice.

Tonight, and for almost the last year, it's been "Three County Highway" by the Indigo Girls.

I can't get enough. I listen to it, over and over.

I then think I should put on something else, and I try...but I have to put it back on. I can't bare not to hear that song. It must be the song, that has gotten me through the last year, more than any other.

The part where Amy sings:

"It's been a warm winter and a cold spring, Everywhere I've been's felt wrong to me, everything I've kept, and what I never should have thrown away, I wanted you for all those yesterdays" grabs me...speaks to me, then the end, where she sings so beautifully

"One day we're going to laugh instead of cry, one day I'm coming home to stay it's true, Baybee that's the last ticket home I'm gonna buy....It's been a warm winter and a cold spring, everywhere I've beens felt wrong to me, "so put your head on my heart, and lay down in the crook of my arm, everything's OK, we've been found again...been found again..." It makes me melt. That is what love is. Lay down on me, put your head on my arm, and it will all be OK baybee.....over and over...I hear this...

I think it's knowing that it will all be is scary. As scary as it's been for the last two years of trying to make this move, this's even scarier to be here. I try to be brave....but there is no arm to lie I listen...I suck it in. I stay strong. I can't expect to have everything all at once, and I know it's a process...but it's so huge for me right now, so bigger than life.

I sit on my new furniture, in my new house, and I can't really believe I've done it. I've left. I've started a new life for real. It's still baby steps...but they are forward moving steps. I'm free to fall in love. I'm free to hang my red curtains....I'm free to eat nachos for a week if I want too. It is amazing.

I wonder if I've got the guts to go back to school, and do what I really want...something with computers....I've been thinking about it, and I haven't told anyone.

I want to be a potter again. I want to smell that dank cool smell that only a pottery studio has..must from the clay. I want to feel my hands get rough for a reason.

As much as I want all of this, I realize for the first time in a million years, I can do this. I can go back to being a potter if I want too. I can listen to ARay sing over and over and over and not have to worry about anyone complaining.

I can kiss my kids until they are sick of it. I'm in control for the first time in my grown up life really.

I've even been thinking that maybe renting is better for me than buying a new place. I'm not sure I really like all the responsibility that goes along with owning a house. I love being able to call the owner and tell them the toilet is plugged and not have to worry about calling the plumber myself. I like not mowing my own lawn. I've owned, and it was nice. It was also damned nice to get out of that house.


MakingSpace said...

You! Can! Do! It! Love love love love love your posts sistah.

Grumpy Granny said...

Hey, OC, or should I say, Mon? Love the new digs!! I totally agree with you on the renting vs buying. If I were not with G, I would probably be renting a 1 BR apartment or a TINY house somewhere with just enough land to put in a few tomato plants. I LIKE the idea of having a landlord to call to fix things. I'm not handy, so what? At least now I have a wife who is and who loves doing it.

I have been reading your journey (both physically and emotionally) and I am so happy for you. There really is nothing better than having your own space. Enjoy! You've really taken the biggest step. Everything else will work out in its own time.

Take care,

em for mighty said...

i listened to "mad world"by tears for fears over & over & over after my brother died last december. i don't know why this song helps me, but it does.

today i went to pick out my room at the co-op im moving into in a couple weeks. YAY! i can't wait to be on my own again. it's perfect. i realized i wasn't ready to be a homeowner & sold my house & felt so relieved!! & now, not only am i not buying anytime soon, but im going way to the other side of the scope and moving into a co-op! im so happy im not "normal"!!

C said...

music gives us what we have no words to ask for. i have songs like that, actually, closer to fine is one for me. it got me through the tough times. alot of melissa etheridge has, as well. its been like that for me as far back as i can remember even as a girl.
let your freedom embrace you, enjoy as you have earned it. fill yourself up first. then when you are full and are able to handle it, she will appear. you cant give from an empty cup. so FILL 'ER UP, sistah. do those things you only dreamed of, before. they are the stuff that will complete you.


Anonymous said...

Personally I think music is amazing. To me, it has a feeling. Some feel good, some feel amazing, and some not good at all and I would rather hear nails on a chalk board.

You have come a long way I think and you keep pushing forward which is great. There are many women out there that couldn't do what you do. Keep at it, because you seem far happier then you were before.

I agree on renting, at the moment, I can't see myself buying another place. So much better.