Monday, January 4, 2010

"Her"

Sitting here pondering and thinking of this weekend, and all that happened and all that it meant to me.

So much change on a million levels.

What can I say about it? Probably not making much sense since I'm still trying to "process" it in my head.

One thing that was apparent to me, was that I didn't want her to go home today. I think the mere fact that we live so far apart is a very good thing right now. Everything just "worked" this weekend. Hang out time..wonderful....sex...wonderful...going out together was wonderful. It felt so normal to me.

To be with someone I wasn't immediately ready to kick out of my house, out of my life, was pretty amazing to me. I was lying with her on the couch last night, just thinking how it was so wonderful to be with someone physically that I was so into emotionally. It's a huge change for me and I don't really know how to verbalize it.

When I got my "tattoo" this weekend, the tattoo called us "life partners". Where does that come from? I mean we both clarified with her that we hadn't known each other that long, but it seems that I did get to experience things I never have. One of them was someone making assumptions about my life. It was okay for me, but it did make me realize I've actually crossed the road and now I have to figure out how to live on this side of the street full time.

I think one of the things I do find so attractive about butch lesbians is the utter braveness of it. There is no hiding who you are from the world. I have that option, but when you live your life in that place where everyone knows you are a dyke, your experiences are different for sure. I got a taste of that this weekend and it honestly thrilled me, and didn't really scare me. I guess I feel ready to deal with it.

I've made the executive decision that though I'm not ready to "announce" to the world I'm a dyke, that I am ready to tell the truth. If I am asked, I will be truthful. I'm not going to deny it any longer to make other people feel comfortable, or to keep myself comfortable. Comfortable is complacent and I don't want to be complacent any more.

I'm working on being brave.

I hope I'm being brave.

It just all felt so normal today when I woke up with her in my bed. It felt like I've always thought it should feel and didn't. I didn't feel insecure. I didn't feel like I had to hide the "real" me from her. In fact quite the opposite. It was a lesson in not hiding, and more importantly not feeling the need to hide.

I've tattooed a goddess on my back and I believe the meaning is quite apparent. It's a step I've taken to remind myself of who I really am.

One more step down the yellow brick road of authenticity!

Mon

9 comments:

Haizey said...

i love the openness and honesty in this post. good for you.

Camlin said...

You are being brave.

Becoming authentic in your own life is a process. It doesn't happen overnight.

Here's to sex! Woo hoo!

Jude said...

It took me a long time to peel back all of the layers that were hiding the real me.

At times I became discouraged with people who were uncomfortable with my butchness. And another layer was removed when I realized that they owned those feelings, not me.

It is a long process but so worth the journey.

Earth Muffin said...

Congrats, Mon. You deserve to feel this way.

C said...

congrats, hon! you are brave and more importantly, true to yourself.

look back to the other blog you had last year at this time and you will be blown away by how far you have come!

c

Monkey Outlaw said...

Wow love the honesty here. Wait till you are finally at the place where you don't care about what the small minded small town people think of you! It's amazing and you are on a even more amazing journey - Good luck to you :)

makingspacethejourneyout said...

I'm so happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm like giddy from joy from reading this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! And other similar sentiments!!!!!!!

lesbo said...

i'm so happy for you! so so happy that your weekend was so fabulous.

latenightlatte said...

I've been waiting to comment through the last few posts... can't wait any more. Hooray for you and the goddess. Love the attitude. Love the color, too, btw.