Sitting here pondering and thinking of this weekend, and all that happened and all that it meant to me.
So much change on a million levels.
What can I say about it? Probably not making much sense since I'm still trying to "process" it in my head.
One thing that was apparent to me, was that I didn't want her to go home today. I think the mere fact that we live so far apart is a very good thing right now. Everything just "worked" this weekend. Hang out time..wonderful....sex...wonderful...going out together was wonderful. It felt so normal to me.
To be with someone I wasn't immediately ready to kick out of my house, out of my life, was pretty amazing to me. I was lying with her on the couch last night, just thinking how it was so wonderful to be with someone physically that I was so into emotionally. It's a huge change for me and I don't really know how to verbalize it.
When I got my "tattoo" this weekend, the tattoo called us "life partners". Where does that come from? I mean we both clarified with her that we hadn't known each other that long, but it seems that I did get to experience things I never have. One of them was someone making assumptions about my life. It was okay for me, but it did make me realize I've actually crossed the road and now I have to figure out how to live on this side of the street full time.
I think one of the things I do find so attractive about butch lesbians is the utter braveness of it. There is no hiding who you are from the world. I have that option, but when you live your life in that place where everyone knows you are a dyke, your experiences are different for sure. I got a taste of that this weekend and it honestly thrilled me, and didn't really scare me. I guess I feel ready to deal with it.
I've made the executive decision that though I'm not ready to "announce" to the world I'm a dyke, that I am ready to tell the truth. If I am asked, I will be truthful. I'm not going to deny it any longer to make other people feel comfortable, or to keep myself comfortable. Comfortable is complacent and I don't want to be complacent any more.
I'm working on being brave.
I hope I'm being brave.
It just all felt so normal today when I woke up with her in my bed. It felt like I've always thought it should feel and didn't. I didn't feel insecure. I didn't feel like I had to hide the "real" me from her. In fact quite the opposite. It was a lesson in not hiding, and more importantly not feeling the need to hide.
I've tattooed a goddess on my back and I believe the meaning is quite apparent. It's a step I've taken to remind myself of who I really am.
One more step down the yellow brick road of authenticity!