Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A "New Normal"?

Can't get this phrase out of my head today.

Really feel funky tonight, I even ate Cheez-it's in my bed and I NEVER eat crackers in my bed, and rarely eat in my bed at all, tonight, I was in the mood for crumbs I guess.

I keep thinking how I want things to "get back to normal". But what is normal for me now????

Normal is worrying that my kids are sick and that I can't call Hubcap to have a small conference on whether or not to "stay" home from school, because we all know how that will end up. I'll call, he'll go.."what do you want me to do about it?" and I'll get pissed and hang up, and still probably make the decision myself, in a more resentful place than where I started....so now, normal is...me making the decision...same as before, but different. If I haven't lost you yet, you get a cookie, except I'll need to rain check it to you because I have to bake them...but I digress...

Normal used to be feeling like I had to "hide" me from nearly everyone here where I live. I'm getting impatient with that. I'm getting blatant to the point it's probably not going to be long until the cat is out of the proverbial bag.

Heck, I don't know. I don't know what is normal for me anymore, except that I'm having a hard time tonight because I'm dreading this week. I'm dreading not selling the house, and I'm dreading selling it. I'm dreading going back to work this week because my Stinky Boss is coming back from vacation. I'm dreading the fact I'm not digging my job, and the State just imposed a hiring freeze. I'm dreading the fact I have no clean laundry. I feel so fucking overwhelmed most of the time.

I was talking to a friend tonight...Okay okay, it was my "new" friend about how each person processes things differently and when it comes to emotional issues, I am certainly one that will talk about it until you are tired of hearing it. Then after I got off the phone, it occurred to me that though this is very true, I'm also really good at pretending "everything is OK" to everyone in my life. The mantra going through my head is usually something like this.

Friend (any friend will do): "How are you doing?"

Me: "Oh, I'm fine, and how are you?" (all the while thinking, I'm not fine...damnit...I hate my job...my kids are sick and I can't really stay home with them, I don't want to do my laundry, I don't feel good, I need a vacation, I'm going to fall over from being so tired)

Friend: "That's cool, what are you doing this weekend?"

Me: "Oh nothing much, just the usual" (which consists of doing mounds of laundry, cooking, listening to children whine, trying to figure out just how I'm going to pay the bills this month, wondering if I can still get that cheese on sale at the grocery, cleaning toilets, falling asleep on the couch because I can't stay awake....)

I know I'm being factious...but you get the picture.

I'm just impatient. Also, the more time I have off of work (i.e. long weekends), the more I want and crave it. The more I want to just sit down, write a book and sell it so I don't have to work anymore. I'm sure half of this is because Aunt Flo came on Sunday, and I'm moody and tired, but that thought also rings true. I want out of this life, into my new one. I want out of this twilight almost done with the divorce thing, but not quite.

I want to feel relaxed like I did this weekend...like I could just chill out.

I had such a good weekend too...

She got here on Friday and we BBQed steaks, hung out in the house, then went to bed and cuddled. When we woke up on Saturday morning, it was so easy, so comfortable. We seem to have that way about us. We went out for a late lunch, went to the grocery and then she helped me move Small Son's bed upstairs to Little Misses room. We had to take apart this somewhat large lodge-pole twin bed and reassemble it. Do you know we managed this without one scuff?? Not a cross word, not a "you should do it this way" nothing...we both knew what we were doing, and we had fun. It's been a long time since I had so much fun doing something so mundane as moving furniture. Ask anyone that knows me, moving is not my forte'...

Saturday night proved to be even more relaxed and fun, and easy and just plain good. Not sure what is going on here, but it's hard to see her go on Sunday. I didn't want her too, that's for sure. But it's back to "real" life then, kids come home from Hubcap's...dinner, baths...etc...

Still...I can't help but wonder what it would be like to live my life in a place of peace, comfort and joy on a daily basis....

And just because I'm in the mood...a little Stevie treat for you....:)



Camlin said...

It takes time.

I haven't quite found normal yet, although I'm closer. Be patient. It will all come together.

Hubcap needs a good kick in the...whatever.

Monkey Outlaw said...

Normal ... I dread feeling that way sometimes, can be so boring and unchalleging. You will be content soon, time really does that to one's heart and mind. This will make you stronger and make the wall of contentment stronger :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe how you feel with her is really normal. Not familiar, but normal. I think that might be nice...