Thursday, April 15, 2010

The ARAY in Me....!

Wow, it's been a long time since I wrote. Not sure where I should even start at this point.

First, you probably want to know why I named this post, "The ARAY in Me..!"? (Amy Ray, of the Indigo Girls, in case you didn't know)

Well here is the thing. Ever since I began this journey, she has been who and what I went to for the strength to keep walking. The balm that's eased my soul, and the light that has taken my breath away to make sure I don't waver in my queerness. I hope that makes sense. Simply stated, she has given me the strength to come out, to listen to my inner voice, and the courage to fall in love, and I should say, fall in love like I never have before, she is simply amazing to me.

I was reading my old blog this week, "Bearsmountain" which I closed down last year.

(Go take a look, you know you want too, it's a good read if I do say so myself, I think I have it open again, but if you have any trouble, let me know).

It took my breath away to see what I was going through back then. I'm going to open it back up for a bit, if any of you new readers want to see where I've been, how I've gotten here, and how long it took me. I was feeling way to vulnerable to open back up for a long time, but it's good for my mental health at this point to see just how far I've come in one short year.

Bearsmountain is where I made the most intense blog friends. It is a place I bared my soul, over and over again for over two years. The friends I made though that blog, are still with me. I still feel their guidance and love helping me along my journey.

I guess you might say this week has been full of excitement and lots of reflection.

The biggest news of all...I BOUGHT A HOUSE!!! Yes, that's right, let me say it again, I BOUGHT A HOUSE OF MY OWN....It's perfect. It's out in the country, away from the town I live in now. It is a manufactured home, that was built in 1997. It has a view to kill for. It has 1 1/2 acres of grass for my kids to play on. It has both a jacuzzi tub inside, and a hot tub on the elevated screened in deck. It has a very over sized garage, with enough space for my girlfriend to set up her photography studio that she is closing down soon. I never in a million years thought I could find a place like this I could afford, let alone, qualify and buy it myself. OMG...this is so so huge. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel sure of what I'm doing.

The second thing is that by the end of April, my divorce will be final..really final. This too is so huge I can't get my head around it. I finally felt ready to let go of the power I had created by keeping Hubcap semi-dependent on me. It's hard to say that, but it was like the card I could pull out, and wave at him when I wanted him to do what I wanted. Sick, twisted, but the truth.

I changed the locks on my house, and he hasn't come near it since. When I told him he couldn't speak to the children if he called drunk, he quit calling drunk. It was like when I exacted my REAL power, he took heed and listened...

The drama is nearly over I think. I'm nearly out of this mess, and ready to really begin to live my life on my own terms. Things I thought I'd have to give up when I left hubcap suddenly seem attainable on my own. I never thought I'd have a yard like this again, now I'm going to have one that was better than the last one. One I picked out and paid for. I'm going to be able to look out my new sunny family room and watch the deer in my yard again. I'm going to be able to toss the kidlets on the back of my 4-wheeler again and take them riding whenever I want, right out my back door.

I'm going to buy a tractor lawnmower that I get to drive, and I'm going to buy an additional 4-wheeler so my girlfriend and I can take the kids out together, and so we can go out together. I'm so looking forward to this, since my knees have taken a dump on me, riding is the one thing I won't have to give up. I can get out in nature and not have to torture myself with the pain of hiking. I'm going to teach her to ride, though I suspect she will be a natural at it, since she used to ride a motorcycle. She will be able to make good use of it to get out and take photography trips on her own if she wishes.

I was so scared to leave hubcap because then, it meant giving up the things I loved most. My yard, my 4-wheeling trips and camping. My girlfriend is going to teach me how to tow my trailer so we can camp....

The life of fear I've been leading for the last few years seems to be leaving at a rapid pace now. I can't tell you just how huge buying this house feels to me in such a good way. It shows I can provide a home for my children. It shows I can find the place of my dreams, and honestly, the moment I looked at the listing on the Internet, my heart dropped. I ''knew" it was the right place. When I got there, I new with even a stronger certainty that it was the right place. My old house never felt like "my" house, it was always his. With his artwork that I couldn't stand to his mom's jello molds on the walls, to the ugly funeral looking urn thing that was on my kitchen counter that he got from his first marriage. It all felt icky and wrong. The place in that house, where I felt comfortable was the yard. That was mine. But this new yard, will be even more mine. It already has the beginnings of a garden. We are going to build a fire pit.

I am setting the kind of example now for my children I can be proud of. Not fear based, but strength based. I want my kids to be strong. Showing them I'm strong and that I love them is the best gift I can give them.

I'm not even really scared of bringing my girlfriend into their lives. I think it's going to be a great match. For all of us, right down to her little shelty named Jack.



C said...

WOWSIE WOW WOW! i figured summit was brewin with you and am SO glad to hear all of this great news! congratufuckinglations on buying your own home, M! ohmygod that is so powerful!!!! i'm doin the happy dance for ya as i write!

you have worked loooooooOng and hard to attain this, and you deserve it!

you must show us more pics when you get settled in! the view from the hottub is just absolutely amazing of the mountains... wow you can sit on that deck for hours just absorbing eye candy views! in the winter it will be so beautiful!

i totally understand "closer to fine" it helped me so much back in the day, too. i am very sad to hear that melissa and tammy etheridge broke up after 9 years...
i am so sad about it. melissa is my fave lesbian... after ellen... lol.

you enjoy all these wonderful things coming into your life... let the love flow, baby!

i also think its good to go back and see how far you have come from the old blog cuz we can forget to see the big picture.. let it be your souveneer of your old life, when your kids were born etc and a compliment to your new life when you were born!

hugs, sistah!


Camlin said...

From one aray fan and coming-out sister to another - isn't life absolutely amazing! Congrats on the new house. I am so coming to sit in your hot tub!

Anonymous said...

This is so fabulous!!!!! So so so so happy for you!!!!!!!!! Love the inspiration. Livin' the dream. LOVE IT!!