Saturday, May 1, 2010

I'ts All About You

Having so much trouble writing lately.  I think of all these wonderful things, then I'm too tired to write.

This has been something that has been floating around my head for awhile.

One of Hubcaps favorite things to say to me is:  "It's all about you"....It's amazing the different meaning this simple phrase takes on when someone else says it to me.

He said:  "It's all about you....this are selfish....."

She said:  As she's stroking my hair, "It's all about you baby....let me love you.......It's all about you...."

He says when I ask him to pick up his kids:  "Why should I do that? It's always ALL ABOUT YOU?", even though I remind him, it's really ALL about the kids...

But she says:  " are tired, go take a nap, I'll watch the kids..."It's all about you" she looks at me lovingly.

I've never had anyone treat me like this before.  Like I can actually take a break, and become a human who is tired, who needs a nap, and doesn't need to explain "why"....

I'm tired, and I'm falling more in love every day.

More to write, but not much time to write it out.

My house closes escrow on July 30th.....

Hubcap has "figured" out about me and my girl....he was predictably nasty.

I talked to "HER"...the old "her", if you all remember this week.

She reminded me that I had given him a hundred chances...lists..expectations...etc...

She reminded me how I used to call her in a panic at night so we could talk because he was doing this to me way back then.

I needed to hear this from someone that was there with me.  I needed to be reminded that I'm not making this all up in my head, like I sometimes feel I am after he gets done with me.

I'm caught up in a million nuances and what ifs...

I am finally really divorced....the papers were filed by my attorney at the courthouse on Friday.

He told me that I "had" change my name back to my maiden name, that he didn't want me to have "his" name.

I told him, NO, my name will remain the same, because I need my name to remain the same as my kids...he didn't get it.  It's not that I want his name, but I must keep myself united with my children.

The light is finally peeking through the dark mists at the end of the proverbial tunnel.



C said...

yeah the bastards, when they find out about "her" they think its all about them and they wanna get in on it. screw his opinion. all you have left in common now with him, are the kids. and that's ok...

see the difference between someone who is themself being selfish and childish, and some one who loves you and wants to selflessly give? its amazing to be understood like that, isnt it? men dont get it. thats why i am with a woman.. i need that intimacy that only another woman can give. i NEED it. i cant settle for feeling alone in a relationship, even when he was there.

glad things are well for you, sistah...

focus on you and the kids future...


Camlin said...

When he says "it's all about you" does he have any idea that he's making the situation all about him?? Probably not...

You take your responsibilities seriously. You work hard. You are an amazing mom. And isn't it....isn't it wonderful to have someone in your life who gets it, and who can give you as much as you give them?

I'm finally beginning to understand that last bit.... :)

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Congrats on finally being divorced.

Now go be happy with someone who loves and treats you right.

~seelenschmerz~ said... is the time - finally - that it really IS about YOU...fuck children's father is very similar now that he, too, knows about Her...they can't deal with the rejection and make it all about themselves in a negative way...but who really cares? it's irrelevant in the journey of YOUR life (and your children's lives).
and btw...when your children are older, you may wish to think about changing back to YOUR name...having his surname is only a nasty reminder of him and keeps you 'tied'...when the children are older, reverting back to your maiden name will be understood by them.
my children were 9 & 12 when i divorced their father and they never felt 'disconnected' from him simply because i changed back to my maiden name...and now, in less than 4 days, i'll be shedding THAT name as well (my maiden name) to take on HER name and i'm totally pumped about it ;-)
hugs and smiles as always

makingspacethejourneyout said...

Thank you for this, and for writing more. Thank you so much.