Thursday, May 13, 2010

On Coming Out...Really Comming Out...

Where have I been?'s been a wild ride for me the last few weeks...

I came out to one of my very good friends last night.  One I wasn't sure what her reaction would be.  She can be uber religious, and judgmental.  Last night she wasn't.  Last night I told her about my life, that I was tired filtering it for her.  Tired of NOT sharing my real life with her.

If you all remember back to the woman that stayed with me last fall, right after I got out of the hospital, the one who moved away and came back, this is the friend I'm talking about.  She looked at me when I told her, and said "it's going to take me awhile to get used to it, and why didn't you tell me?"  I told her simply I was telling her now, that she was super important to me.  That our friendship meant a lot to me, and I needed her in my life.  She told me she just wanted me to be happy, then asked me all the typical questions about "how" this happens.  I told her simply that I fell in love.  That I'd been in this place for a long time, not acting on it, then someone came into my life and I fell in love.  I didn't tell her the whole story, that is my own private Idaho for sure, and she knows and is friends with the first woman I fell in love with, and I think for everyone's sake, it's better if that particular detail does stay in the closet.  I know, and she knows.  My woman knows, and we are actually meeting up with "her" next weekend so they can meet.  No one else needs to know this.

I did realize last night, why I am friends with this woman though.  In the end, she hugged me, told me she loved me, and could she still "come over and hang out with me and the kids?"  Dumb question.  I told her that was exactly why she needed to know, because I wanted her in my life.  My kids need her and so do I.  She told me she loved that I "shared" my kids with her, that she adored them.  I told her that I adored how she adored them.

With is woman, I've forged a bond that is strong enough to make it though this for sure.  It gave me faith that I am moving in the right, forward direction.  Two more people to tell, then the rest, they can just guess.  I don't owe anyone any explanations about my life.  I want to be truthful.

I read Melissa Etheridges book this week, and the thing that was so profound for me, was a statement she made.  After she had been to hell and back, she said, "I am standing in my own truth"...of course I'm paraphrasing this, but you get the gist.  I'm finally living a truthful life.  I'm being honest in a way I've never been before.  I'm not willing to compromise myself.  I'm strong, and I will keep walking, arthritic knees and all. 

I find myself floating in moments of extreme happiness.  Just little glimpses of it, but they are there, coming to the surface.  Finding me.  Looking for me.  Little bits of perfect spirits floating around me.  It's wonderous.  I find great joy in my kids, every day.  I am having the best sex of my life for sure.  That alone is freaking amazing.  God..who knew??  I spend hours just kissing.

My friend last night, told me she had been dating this guy, and that she never knew sex could last an hour.  All I could think of is....only an hour??? days, me...lasts hours...hours and unbelievable amount of time that amazes me each time.  I shouldn't call it sex...I should say making love, because that's what it is.  I've never felt more connected in my life. 

It's hard to believe just where I was even one short year ago.  I was so miserable, so unsure and unhappy.  Now I'm finding my way.

Hubcap still has a pretty major ability to take me down 40 rungs on the proverbial ladder, but I'm working on it.  I'm trying to not react to him, not engage.  It's hard, and I can't always manage it...but I'm working on it.

I'm going to try to start writing more.  I'm feeling more sure of myself.  Each time I tell my GF that I'm tired, or I don't want to talk, I get a feeling of fear deep down inside, like I'm disappointing her.  But she keeps reassuring me "it's okay honey"....god...I need this...her my life so much.  I just fucking love her so much.

So there you go, I will try to get on here, and write a little more often.



Mel's Way or No Way said...

Big congrats on this step. Sometimes people can still surprise us.

C said...

i am so happy for you that your life has become what you strived for it to be for so long.

are you in your new house yet? and the jacuzzi?

more pictures when you can...

take care...


Em said...

Coming out is something we end up doing our entire lives. Over and over. (It would almost be worth being famous, just to be able to get it all done in one go round.)

No matter how it goes, coming out to people really does make a difference to us all. Well done you.

Dragon said...

Congrats to you!!!! That is awesome you found the strength to do that. And also that is awesome for your friend. She is able to accept you for who you are and love you no matter what, that is a true friend. Awesome!

Earth Muffin said...

It's great to read about you being in such a positive place! You deserve it, you've earned it.

~seelenschmerz~ said...

you're doing well...and i'm very happy to hear (read) that you're finally happy steps took you to an entire better life for yourself (and those who around you who love you) are the power of strength you never knew you were, eh? lol
hugs and happy smiles for ya

Nulaanne said...

I was married at one time and the longest we had was about 20min or so. With my Honey OMG hours and hours, I do know what you mean when you talk about making love.

Isn't being out wonderful. So freeing.

Grumpy Granny said...

Beautiful, wonderful! Congratulations--you deserve it and why shouldn't YOUR life be all about you??