Where have I been?
...it's been a wild ride for me the last few weeks...
I came out to one of my very good friends last night. One I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. She can be religious, and judgmental. Last night she wasn't. Last night I told her about my life, that I was tired filtering it for her. Tired of NOT sharing my real life with her.
If you all remember back to the woman that stayed with me last fall, right after I got out of the hospital, the one who moved away and came back, this is the friend I'm talking about. She looked at me when I told her, and said "it's going to take me awhile to get used to it, and why didn't you tell me?" I told her simply I was telling her now, that she was super important to me. That our friendship meant a lot to me, and I needed her in my life. She told me she just wanted me to be happy, then asked me all the typical questions about "how" this happens. I told her simply that I fell in love. That I'd been in this place for a long time, not acting on it, then someone came into my life and I fell in love. I didn't tell her the whole story, that is my own private Idaho for sure, and she knows and is friends with the first woman I fell in love with, and I think for everyone's sake, it's better if that particular detail does stay in the closet. I know, and she knows. My woman knows, and we are actually meeting up with "her" next weekend so they can meet. No one else needs to know this.
I did realize last night, why I am friends with this woman though. In the end, she hugged me, told me she loved me, and could she still "come over and hang out with me and the kids?" Dumb question. I told her that was exactly why she needed to know, because I wanted her in my life. My kids need her and so do I. She told me she loved that I "shared" my kids with her, that she adored them. I told her that I adored how she adored them.
With is woman, I've forged a bond that is strong enough to make it though this for sure. It gave me faith that I am moving in the right, forward direction. Two more people to tell, then the rest, they can just guess. I don't owe anyone any explanations about my life. I want to be truthful.
I read Melissa book this week, and the thing that was so profound for me, was a statement she made. After she had been to hell and back, she said, "I am standing in my own truth"...of course I'm paraphrasing this, but you get the gist. I'm finally living a truthful life. I'm being honest in a way I've never been before. I'm not willing to compromise myself. I'm strong, and I will keep walking, arthritic knees and all.
I find myself floating in moments of extreme happiness. Just little glimpses of it, but they are there, coming to the surface. Finding me. Looking for me. Little bits of perfect spirits floating around me. It's . I find great joy in my kids, every day. I am having the best sex of my life for sure. That alone is freaking amazing. God..who knew?? I spend hours just kissing.
My friend last night, told me she had been dating this guy, and that she never knew sex could last an hour. All I could think of is....only an hour??? Seriously...now days, SEX...sex... ... ....for me...lasts hours...hours and hours....an unbelievable amount of time that amazes me each time. I shouldn't call it sex...I should say making love, because that's what it is. I've never felt more connected in my life.
It's hard to believe just where I was even one short year ago. I was so miserable, so unsure and unhappy. Now I'm finding my way.
Hubcap still has a pretty major ability to take me down 40 rungs on the proverbial ladder, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to not react to him, not engage. It's hard, and I can't always manage it...but I'm working on it.
I'm going to try to start writing more. I'm feeling more sure of myself. Each time I tell my that I'm tired, or I don't want to talk, I get a feeling of fear deep down inside, like I'm disappointing her. But she keeps reassuring me "it's okay honey"....god...I need this...her ...in my life so much. I just fucking love her so much.
So there you go, I will try to get on here, and write a little more often.